sage's space
i really just wanna document how much better my life has gotten since summer 2020. i joined then because i felt lost with my gender and identity. i'm still a little lost but now the journey to find who i am is more enjoyable now
it's been bothering me for a while that i don't really know who i am. i use stuff like mbti and kins and personality tests to figure out who i am but there's always either someone else i want to be or someone i feel like i should relate to when i don't.
now, ik this does not sound like an improvement at all, but in the summer of 2020, i was trying to pretend to be someone else. since i hadn't interacted with anyone irl for months, i was thinking i was somebody else and trying to push away other aspects of myself. now i'm trying to find out who i am naturally. there's always the urge to pretend to be somebody else, but i'm trying to move past that.
i'm still feeling lost. im getting slightly better of a grip on my sense of self but when other people come into the picture it all come crashing down. i love interacting w people but i never feel like they're supposed to be there. i think im connecting myself to fiction too much. i try to hinge on "what would [character] do?" but often i cant even answer THAT question bc everyday stuff isnt covered in fiction. idk. i started having a crush on my childhood best friend. shes straight though. all the more reason to playfully flirt with her and make sure i dont really say it genuinely until my feelings go away!
funny thing actually- i turned out to be a boy, and then she started dating a girl. and then i turned out to be gay. so it's all cool now. still having identity issues but it's gotten better. other things have gotten worse, though. turned down my mom asking if i wanted a therapist even though i do want one??? just think it might be a waste of time.