- Forum
- Journals & Diaries
- in the wonders of my mindš.
in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
and if I feel like it Iāll do my french thing tomorrow in the morning too. and hopefully my teachers gonna forget about it- except she wonāt itās a speaking test and we have to stand in front of the class and get judged and then the teachers gonna say something judgy in front of everyone and now everyone knows you failed
I couldāve came on a lot earlier I just donāt feel like talking about today.Ā
I had a full breakdown in history.Ā
I just realized how much I donāt wanna talk about it thatās it then I guessĀ
i didnāt wanna not post today but every part of my day was horrible and I donāt wanna talk about it so
.
friday. weāre 3 weeks in :ā) my friend is really really sick and hasnāt been to school this whole week except monday and when she missed 1 day before this week her attendance dropped to 85% and her mom would never let her be absent if it wasnāt that serious either way but it is. I left for bus again. Iāve been taking off my lanyard the minute Iād leave my lead class because my lead teacher is the only one that actually cares about that, they made it a thing now where itās part of your uniform and you could get a standards card if a teacher sees you not wearing yours but from your lanyard teachers can tell if you go home by bus or your own transport and Iāve been going when bus students were every day now.Ā
um okay. enough not talking about the bad stuff.Ā
so uh. my friend thatās absent sheās pretty much my only friend. I donāt actually have that many. everyoneās in friend groups and a lot of people donāt like me and Iāve been
stop crying stop crying stop crying stop stiefqdnosdfbajkyedbj
why am I crying :ā)Ā
I actually cant.Ā
Iāve been really lonely lately. and in that history class I started crying because in maths the class before someone threw a paper plane to my head and as stupid as it sounds it actually hurt like thereās no way that was paper, and then I turned around and it was someone I thought liked me (as a person we talked like once) and his friend and they were laughing so hard they couldnāt breathe they were laughing at meĀ
Iām gonna sit on the floor.Ā
yeah then his friend started making this face at me and doing this dance but yeah he was basically just being annoyingĀ
and now that guy cause one of thems in my lead class keeps staring at me or talking about me he talks about me so much and now the other guys in the class probably donāt like me cause heās friends with all the guys in the class and when heās there theyāre all staring at me so whatever anywhoĀ
my friends made it really really clear and obvious that she doesnāt care about me at all and if she got a new friend sheād leave me because the only thing Iām good for is so that she doesnāt look like she doesnāt have any friendsĀ
this took me a long time to write because I started crying halfway through but Iām gonna start going downstairs now
part 2 if I feel like it/jĀ
in music today I started crying too because I was talking to a teacher and then that same guy and his friend took what I was working on while I wasnāt looking and then I turned around and it wasnāt there and I looked at them first and they had it and they were just looking right at meĀ
I swear if they asked I wouldāve just given it to them I swear I would have. and then I went to get a xylophone thing from in front of our class and I walked in carefully and when I put it on my table it fell to the side and it was so loud and all the letter things fell out and I looked stupid and this one kid was just staring at me theyāre in my Islamic class and they were literally squinting at me and like fidgeting with something like whatāre you thinking about but now Iām just embarrassed
but after that with a while I started trying to fix it and the teacher got everyone quiet and started talking about idk I wasnāt listening and thatās when I started crying because. I felt so lonely. like Iāve been sitting on my own on the edge of some table that whole week and now I was too, everyone was just grabbing chairs from my table and moving with their friends and I was so alone. and the guys whole group of friends was staring at me and I started telling myself that I thought I could convince myself that I could be happy and I *** wasnāt and next years senior and senior we switch lead classes again either way and no one likes me from any lead class and Iāll never *** fit in because Iām too *** neurodivergent and depressed and ugly and different and I hate myself I hope I get h.it by a *** bus so I could float down or whatever comes after death and attend my imaginary funeral I actually hate myself so much I wanna s.hoot myself but at the same time I wanna make it to 20 but at the same time I wanna skip all the years before that and sort of just get a summary of it in a movie or something just to see if I actually do end up sent back to my countryĀ on the streetsĀ
im fine please stop xD
im not fine but itās pointlessĀ
š©·
I had to leave from the bus thing again today. I looked around and there were no cars but right when I started walking one just spawned behind me and it started beeping but I didnāt feel like running (not in a sewerslider way I was just tired) so I kept walking forward and I made it to the sidewalk as fast as I could which was pretty slowĀ
and then the car stopped in front of me for a while and I was like- oh wait- theyāre waiting for me to pass- but I felt bad so I started walking down the sidewalk so they could think Iām going there and go and they didĀ
and then I had to go back when they were gone and I was so tired that I just took my bag off and started dragging it on the floor till I made it to my apartment my bags so heavy I take everything in my bag every day because I donāt trust myself not to forget somethingĀ
I was supposed to either give my french teacher my book with the thing we were supposed to do or send her the presentation so I could present it next lessonĀ
and I did both just that morning right before frenchĀ
but I still didnāt do any. she was collecting books but I just pretended to continue writing and then she continued with everyone else and she was supposed to come back and take mine but I already put it in my bag and I was trying to look as natural as possibleĀ
I have everything done itās just. the pages before. sheās gonna write that sheās disappointed or something idk. I wanna rip the pages out and give her the book next lesson and pretend I forgot. I do everything Iām supposed to but what if she says Iām acceptable or something cause sometimes in the middle of class I might just shut off and skip a task to doodle (on another page) and Iām supposed to be better than that cause I was so good in year 7 and she still thinks I am and I keep disappointing her she doesnāt say that but Iām trying but every time I learn something i forget everything else and now I canāt explain how horrible I am at french and last year french was so bad I didnāt learn anything my teacher hated everyone idk Iām supposed to be better tho. idk.
and moral ed presentation I think I managed to get out of? i was doing it with the absent person and I was just existing at the back of the class and if she asked me Iād explain that absent person has the presentation on her device and sheās not here. and my teacher read through the people that did it and got anyone that didnāt do it to send it to her and sheād go through them and make you present and obviously I didnāt send anything. and we got to the end of the class.Ā
but at some point she was looking around and I- think? counting. and she definitely- definitely looked at me and wrote my name down so she probably knows I didnāt presentĀ
and now I have an english presentation and the teacher asked me who I was working with and I was obviously working alone but I asked if it was okay if when absent person comes back we work together so that she doesnāt have to come back to a presentation she needs to do alone and I donāt have to do it alone and Iād just finish it off and give her her lines so that itās easier for her.Ā
and now she wrote my name and her name as one of the groups so now Iām definitely presenting and I know she wouldnāt forget about it or let me not do it and she said itās one of the days next week that weāre presentingĀ
Iām so *** tiredddĀ
why is it friday it doesnāt feel like a friday.Ā
my friends online but doesnāt wanna talk to me Ā
I donāt feel like talking to anyone so itās fineĀ
my brothers out with his friends today
idk where my dad went
ive been overeating to the point where it hurts like Iāve been throwing food in my mouth and crying so hard because I want to stop and I canāt and now I feel idk not good. actually hold on lemme go count the calories-Ā
Iāve been crying a lot but Iāll get numb again soonĀ
nvm someone through the box container thingĀ
nvm wait Iām figuring it outĀ
747 omg
im so stupid I keep wanting to lose weight and then eating my head offĀ
I want to go back to the worst part of my anorexia but at that time I had a um- state of mind. that I really really really canāt go back to. I was uneducated and immature and dumb and my weight was all I thought about and I canāt think and feel the way I did back then anymore so itās hardĀ
I failed my math test I forgot to talk about that.Ā
brb.
I went to drink water. and it was so disgusting I almost wanted to spit it outĀ
and now Iām eating more. itās fine because. Iāll feel better in the morning probablyĀ
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:47pm
9:48pm
9:48pm
9:48pm
9:48pmĀ
9:48pm
9:48pmĀ Ā
9:48pm
9:48pm
9:48pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:49pm
9:50pm
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50Ā
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:50
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:51
9:52
whyād that actually help distract me for a while
i genuinely feel so horrible tho I wanna skip to the next dayĀ
tomorrow isnāt gonna get betterĀ
I hear someone brb
no one came I just got sick- I already was sick I just feel sick..er.
byebye.Ā
@iloveyouxx I hope you're feeling better now š
@mytwistedsoul
aw thank you š I wrote a long post about last night and this morning and Iām not sure if Iām gonna post it but Iām not exactly better- xD Iāll just be off for the rest of the weekend probably š
@unassumingEyes
š©·thank you š I missed you, howāre you?/nfatš
i forgot we talked yesterday but still xD nfta* š©·
@iloveyouxx missed you too š©· i woke up to chaos today. Chaos just finished and i m exhausted and have to study. Isnt that lovely š« Ā
Howre you? Feeling any better?
@unassumingEyes
aw. wish we could catch a breakĀ :') was your mom yelling again? that was upfront but you wanna talk about itš
I wish I could say stop studying so much but this years so hard and now I need to study so muchšitās still hard to care tho but then for you itās your parents and expectationsĀ you definitely study more than me. I really hope the year passes fast for both of us (if you want it to because I really want it to TvT) š©·
I donāt know but I showered today for the first time in-ā¦a while. itās not a depression thing I donāt even know why I havenāt in so long but at least I did today? and Iām still sick and not doing so great in my head xD and nightmares are still really bad and schools tomorrow andillstoplolwhyamistilltalking thankyou for asking tho š
can I put a louis photo here to lighten theā¦atmosphere xD ;-;š
@iloveyouxx we love louisĀ š
Tw it wasnt my mom exactly it was a whole situation where grandmother had an eye operation and she was staying at our house after and there were some complications yesterday and we didnt have our driver so we had to call my uncle from the other side of the city and he came and brought medicine and we waited to see if the medicine would work but it wasnt working so he took her to his home so that if there an emergency at night he cld drive her to the hospital and then mom had a migraine from the worry and yelled at us-
Sorry just ignore the rant-
I want the year to be over so bad omg and next year too can i just skip-
I get the nightmares like idk if my dreams are really nightmares its just dreams of me messing up so bad and i wake up so mad at myself xD
šŗšŗšŗ
Hope u feel better soon! (second time i said it but i gotta say it till it works xD)
my friend the absent for a week one went to the hospital and got diagnosed with something serious and sheās been put on a strict isolation to prevent it from spreading until she gets better and sheās not gonna be in school at all any time soon
im so worried and scared and sad Iām not even upset that sheās not coming now Iām just gonna look so targetable because of how um- friendless and weird and lonely Iām gonna look all the time.Ā
but Iām genuinely so sad it was so random that one day she came before she was absent for a week she was just a little sick and her throat hurt bad but idkĀ
I donāt even feel like anything anymore. those days she wasnāt there were so horrible for me not just her not being there but everyone thought they could do anything to me not because if she was there she would defend me but because itās just easier to pick on the lonely kidsĀ
what if she dies. hold on let me look up the probability. Ā
so for our age apparently itās more unlikely and younger people are- safer- or like have a better chance of getting better early.Ā
Iām not calm at all I just donāt know what to doĀ
Iām gonna make her something for the next time I see her. also the diagnosis isnāt like something bad to talk about I just feel wrong you know talking about my friends diagnosis even if no one here knows who Iām talking about Iām not even gonna tell my lead teacher if she asks or anyone elseĀ
I canāt even rest anymore my heart rate went up in a minute I didnāt even know I cared that much I genuinely didnātĀ
I havenāt even replied yetĀ
whyy do I always hate people until they *** die or something and then I realize oh *** I didnāt actually hate themĀ
or I just distance myself from people so much to the point where itās like we never knew each other and then I just lose everyone
but itās never like me making everyone leave and then crying about everyone leaving but something always happens and itās confusingĀ
in my dream my mom tried to kill me.
Tw stabbing killing iidk-
I donāt know. I donāt know what it had to do with anything and why and what it could mean
it was a longggg dream
Ā I actually remember a lot. ish.Ā
so. she lived far in this big dark ish place
she wanted to kill me cause idk.Ā
she had a bunch of daughters she was training (to kill meāØ)
one of her daughters was youngest and was supposed to pretend to be my friend and stuff
and I didnāt trust her
and then she took me to this place and then she felt bad and told me they were in there ready and it was all part of their plan
so we ran out and I still didnāt trust her
and then we went to her house
and then her mom (my mom-?) came home and the daughter told her she had a friend over and then she was like oh aw bsjbejs
and then she saw me and obviously thought I looked like me (she doesnāt know what I look like now irl but yk)Ā
and I said my name was Nadia (itās notāØ) I make a lot of my accounts and stuff with the name Nadia
and I was 9 years old and then I think the moms dad came and he saw me and he was like oh she looks so much like- me-
its a really long dream but yk main bitsĀ
so a lot later I think we were playing a game and idk what happened my real voice slipped out I think and my hair tie fell out and then her mom realized it was me and I saw her holding a knife and I was just acting stupid then she tried to stab me and idk what I did but she fell on the floor with the knife under her pointing upwards so she stabbed herself then I was running out and trying to escape and all her daughters were there and idk what happened afterĀ
:>Ā
I washed my hair today. I felt gross so I asked my dad if I could wash my hair and he looked at me so annoyed and he was like okay Iāll do it for you just wait and I was like bro never mind then cause what do you mean but later he was like youre gonna wash your hair and I was like yeah I want to and he was like okay go so. I washed my hair :> and then I spent a long time waiting for it to dry cause Iām scared Iāll somehow mess everything up using a blowdryer and then I spent a long time trying to straighten it and I straighten my hair almost everyday but today was the day to cry about having ugly natural hair and I was frying my hair so much that my lungs hurt and I put the ac so cold but it was still so hot and the air was like toxicĀ
my hairs not completely fried tho. I used a heat protectant :> a natural heat protectant, argon oil apparently cause I just found a big bottle of it in front of my mirror so my hair feels betterĀ
Iām gonna continue soon Iām just resting-