gingersnappen’s ramblings👩🏻‍💻

I probably overshare here. Maybe I should replace “probably” with “definitely” considering the length and sometimes content of my posts 😬 eh. Haven’t fully figured out how I feel about this yet.

scared, nervous, distressed, overwhelmed, ashamed, panicked to the point where I don’t even feel it coiling and constricting around me. I just feel numb instead, and heavy, and nauseous. My brain is pulling me in 5000 directions at once and yet I’m not moving or processing anything. Worried. Hateful towards myself. Don’t even have energy to feel so the numbness remains but that’s even heavier than emotions that show themselves in an obvious way. I’m not functioning in the way I want to. I can’t focus at all - I have adhd so to an extent it’s normal but this, how I am right now isn’t anywhere near my normal capacity for focus and other functions. I’m burnt out and I don’t have time or room or support to be burnt out. How the hell do I recover when I keep getting worse and worse? I have the motivation and the energy and the desire to get out so why am I not in control of the situation, why am I not changing at all despite how hard I’m trying? Despite all the support I’m trying to get which hasn’t helped at all and has actually made things worse for me so far? What if this isn’t something that can be “fixed” just like how my adhd can’t be fixed? I don’t want this I didn’t choose this brain. I want to scream “help help help please please please” but that’s obnoxious and won’t accomplish anything, even if I someday find support that is helpful I need to also hold up my end, accept the support, and try to change. I thought I was trying but no one else believes I am and I don’t see any positive results so maybe I’m not trying hard enough.. I don’t have energy, I want to give up openly. Not on life but on my commitments and on functioning. I’d like a refund for this part of my life please and thank you. Ahhh the urge to just, take my brain out, bounce it against the wall a few times and idk just have it not in my head is so tempting. It feels like my head is being placed in a high pressure vacuum and I think I might be having sensory overload- help please really I don’t know why I’m asking how can people help? How can I even help myself cause I’m not having one of those immediate breakdowns that can be helped by grounding strategies or coping mechanisms, these are just things I feel and have to deal with and can’t do anything about to my knowledge. I want a new brain. Curse the people who say adhd is a blessing I know you mean well but it sucks and I don’t like having it, it’s making my non-adhd issues worse in multiple ways. What do I do, what should I do, how can I function again.. questions I ask here but don’t expect an answer to from someone else.... I want a hug but virtual hugs aren’t the same and I can’t ask for or access a physical one. I don’t even have that many issues why am I so selfish? I can’t, I have to get out of this thread, literally don’t know want to do anymore. Please let me stop feeling this way soon I’m so distressed and negative headspace isn’t fun. I forgot to eat today and my brain has been fried for lord knows how long. Please let me recover soon. I- I have to stop autocorrect is the only think keeping them from being completely gibberish. Devolving, bye

Not processing anything still feel horrible and don’t even care that I’m writing sentence fragments strung together in a run on sentence. Want to rip my brain out and mince it before putting it in a blender as if to show how this feels in a physical way, I want to hide and run and collapse and do so many things and instead I’m laying here frozen, confused, and overwhelmed. I don’t know how I feel anymore there’s too much that I can’t describe, I’ve gotten some of it out but not all. I don’t even have large issues like dissociative disorders or bpd so I can’t imagine how much people with those and other extremely hard conditions suffer, maybe my descriptions of how I feel are overdramatic though. I’d normally tell myself to shut up and stop doing this, ignore yourself it doesn’t matter and push though whatever it is. That usually allows me to drag myself through whatever it is but it’s bad for me on the long run and now maybe I’m having to deal with the aftermath. I want to drag myself through again, I have to grit my teeth there is literally no other way I know how to function except to keep trying, I’m used to ramming myself at brick walls until I get through and I’m hardly ever to walk around them so please please brain let me work normally for once. I hate this, I hate being ashamed of feeling and existing and I hate being scared to express care about people not because I think they’ll reject me but because I think they will feel uncomfortable. I don’t want that, I don’t want my existence to do that and asking if I’m a bother can be bothersome so I just clam clam clam it up and that’s bad too. I hate the phantom pains that keep coming back lately and I hate the dent I feel in my body because of what’s physically missing. I don’t even know why I am feeling like this it isn’t anything specific or the aforementioned things, those things bother me but it’s not why I’m like this. Why haven’t I found therapists or psychiatrists or literally any professionals or non professionals that are helpful I’ve talked to so many and I’m lucky to have access to them, what the ***. Meds give me side effects and don’t give me any benefits, I keep trying new ones and none of them work. I want one to work. I’m not taking good care of my body because I literally forget - this current med makes food look like styrofoam fakes and I lose understanding of why anyone would want to consume food, leading to me being accidentally restrictive - and who is gonna take care of me if I don’t? I think I’m giving up and I don’t want to, I am so ashamed but even if I don’t give up I know I’m gonna fail things. I try and I fail and I want to learn and improve but I’m not improving, I’m tired of trying and weary of this cycle. It would be better if I failed new things, but these are old problems and it’s like I haven’t aged a bit since middle school. I feel like a child in an almost adult body who has aged backwards, everyone said I was mature for my age when I was young - I had to be - and now some people tell me I’m a delinquent destined to be homeless due to incapability of functioning. I didn’t choose this. Or did I? Did I choose this without knowing and self destruct and argh my stupidity I can’t even tell the difference between what’s my fault or something out of my control. A lot of confusing things seems like both because humans are complex creatures and yet some things seem simple, duality clashes constantly as if my brain wasn’t overloaded enough. And what am I accomplishing by wasting my time here? Being here isn’t helping me function more and I still feel the same after typing these nonsense essay posts. I don’t have enough words to express myself. I learned vocab to help but I still feel empty. What’s the point of expressing myself if I feel awful afterwards? If people still don’t seem to get it? And if they do listen and understand that doesn’t make me feel any better because I’m in the same situation, so...? I’m literally only here because I can’t seem to stop trying, I want to get better so badly, I hope that someday I can be better... I’m growing impatient and I want to make progress n o w. Why am I here, feeling like I’m rolling down a moving sidewalk (those flat escalators in some airports) that’s on its way up? Trying to hang on, and find purchase, but ultimately continuing to roll further and further down. Maybe I’m on the wrong platform, maybe I should take the stairs instead but I should stop rolling and get up before deciding. And I’m still rolling. What even is this analogy. And why am I still talking. “Hthrhrjdbheje” is one of my more coherent current thoughts. Gonna end this abruptly because I don’t know what to say anymore, bye.

Fujygghfdt whyyyy do I have to take this exam I *will* actually fail. I’m not diminishing myself, I actually won’t do well because I didn’t study, my brain was too occupied being half nonfunctional. I’ve accepted the bad grade, but ahahaha I want my $94 back 🥲 so I probably won’t cancel and walk out, I’ll just drag myself through like I always have 😀👍 same for tomorrow’s college exam and the AP exam after that fhghghf goodbye three years’ plus worth of work because it’s 100% not gonna show on the test, yay! Genuinely though! Because we love freezing and mental breakdowns in an unfamiliar environment where you don’t know anyone!

I decided that after today’s exam I deserve a goddamn treat, regardless of whether I absolutely bomb it or not. Why? Because I am acutely aware of all the effort I put in that got thrown away and has no chance of showing itself on an exam. Let’s say a miracle happens, the entire test is algebra and not calculus, and then I get a five - that would be great but it also doesn’t show my efforts because it’s a number. I want a moment to try and appreciate that if no one else will. Smh.

If only I could get a hug before and after the exam, I’m needy sorry - wait no - this is supposed to be a post with positive connotation, don’t complain or yearn for things you don’t and can’t have, me! I will content myself with pretend hugs and imaginary steady support. I can complain about that and other things *after* this week.

Running out of things to say that are fake positive, I need a new brain! Um, I hope you’re doing okay silent upvoter, and if you’re not then know I’m sending you silent support right back :0 💕 I always have the urge to say “done” like we do in SC/HH :,) I’ll indulge that urge today even if it feels a bit silly! Done! ✨

After some reflection and a conversation with my mom, I realized something that I forgot to mention in my first post. Or rather, I didn’t go into detail about it in my first post but I think it’s worth it to elaborate here. Beware, this is really long.

I am - or, err, was - the ‘head’ aka club leader of a mental health awareness club at my school. I was involved in many other clubs and student leadership roles but that role is the one that sticks out to me the most, now that I’m in the position I am in. I made it my business to be aware of all resources the school provided to students so I could promote them through the club. I emphasized mental health services the most because of the club’s purpose. My advisor was actually the school counselor and the club advisor. When I sought out help from the school for my own mental health issues, I asked my advisor if I could speak to the school psychiatrist that I had advertised to so many other students myself. The school really liked to encourage students to seek out help and support if they needed it, so I felt confident in my decision. However, my advisor then contacted the psychiatrist and scheduled an appointment with him for me behind my back, and didn’t even negotiate what time we would meet together with me. I was confused - if I was the one seeking support and the one wanting an appointment as the patient, shouldn’t *I* be the one to schedule a time with him? I was the one going, after all, not her, and I did not ask her to schedule that for me. She had no permission to do so. I only found out that she had done this when she sent me an email out of the blue with a time, saying I had an appointment with him then. I found out later from my parents that she had created an email chain with him about times, adding my parents’ emails on but not mine. Keep in mind that this is a boarding school, so they assumed that I was with my advisor and had given her permission to do this.

I brushed this off in the moment, thinking that she meant well and that it was okay. She had put me in a tough position because I had another commitment during that time, and had to tell them last minute (about two hours before) that I wouldn’t be able to make it. However, I told myself to get over it - my mental health was more important, and I prepared myself for the appointment I did not expect to have.

That was when I got an email from the Academic Dean. Oohhh that email, hahaha, that absolutely wonderful (sarcasm) email. In that email was a list of all the assignments and tests I had turned in late or done badly on. At the end, the Dean said that they had reason to suspect that there was some sort of academic dishonesty going on. He encouraged me to reflect on my actions, and said that this was a warning - if I didn’t improve my behavior then they might send me in front of the discipline committee, which is made up of a few student leaders. The DC (discipline committee) process involved those students hearing everything that happened, the school’s accusation against me and my defense, and they would make a decision about whether they wanted to punish me and how. They would then take this recommendation and give it to the Head of school (the principal) who would either agree or disagree (most of the time he agreed) and then make a school wide speech about it, detailing the situation but leaving names out so that everyone knew someone was punished - and what punishment they got - for whatever situation. It’s a small school, so many students usually figure out who it is. Knowing that I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but also knowing I had no power to stop the school from forcing me through this process, absolutely terrified me. I immediately showed my advisor this email by forwarding it and then proceeded to write a reply. In my reply, I took accountability for all the late assignments and fail grades I received, saying I understood that those would have severe consequences and impact my grades. I said I understood why my teachers were concerned, and that I understood why the Deans were brought into things because the way I acted academically during that month was drastically different from how I had been in previous years. However, I stood my ground and said I did not believe I was academically dishonest. I said that I was seeking mental health support on top of academic support, which was completely true, and said I hoped I would be able to improve and not appear in front of the discipline committee. Last of all I emphasized that I am an extremely introspective person. The Dean’s email gave me the impression he did not believe that this was the case, and I wanted to clarify that I wasn’t the reckless and misbehaving person he thought I was. He had encouraged me to take accountability for my actions, and I had already taken accountability. It hurt me to see he thought I wasn’t blaming myself for everything, shaming myself for all I did wrong that year (which was pretty much just receiving bad grades and having poor mental health) and trying so so so hard to improve both on my own and with support. I asked my advisor if she would read over the email before I sent it. She said no, because she thought anything I could say in reply would make things worse for me. She didn’t even want to look at my response, and assumed that it was bad without reading it. So, I went to my parents and asked them to read it, but when I received a text back from them I had already sent the email on my own (by accident, but oh well, let’s pretend it wasn’t on accident).

My advisor later read my reply because I had attached her on the email chain. She later told me she was surprised and impressed that I was so reflective, and that she thought I had communicated my stance in a mature manner. I was hurt to hear she was surprised. I have always been this way, determined to take accountability, communicate, and improve. She, the adult at school whose responsibility to support me and advocate on my behalf, believe in me and help me the best she could when I came to her with issues, never thought that I had those positive traits. She didn’t believe I was good enough, even though I had proved that I had those traits time and time again in the past. I guess she never recognized me as a whole, because my ability to communicate, take accountability, and strive to grow at all times are among the few things I’m actually proud of myself for. 💔 She meant well, and was trying to compliment me when she said she was surprised, but felt like a betrayal. She never gave me a chance when she refused to proofread my reply, and that spoke more to me than a flimsy peace offering compliment could.

Anyways, I got a bit off topic. That email from the Dean gave me a lot of stress and anxiety. I was already anxious about speaking to the psychiatrist, and anxious because I was failing my classes, so the anxiety I felt from fear I was going to be expelled from school and ostracized from my peers for something I didn’t do was overwhelming. When I spoke to the psychiatrist I was shaking and emotional from all that had happened during the past few weeks, and blubbering about the email from the Deans.

**This** is the moment when the psychiatrist told me he thought I had chronic anxiety and that it was what was preventing me from doing good academic work. **This** was the moment when he recommended I go on a medical leave, and if I did that, the Deans would not be able to put me in front of the discipline committee immediately. **This** is another moment where someone did something without my permission or knowledge again, when he contacted the school and the deans that he was recommending me to go on a medical leave. And what a wonderful (again, sarcasm) decision that was. Everything started rolling faster and faster downhill from there.

I said in my first entry that I was threatened into a medical leave or else I would be accused of cheating. This is true: I received emails, was in meetings, and was pressured by various adults to go on this medical leave after my psychiatrist made the recommendation. However, I did not say that I was driven into an anxious state before I met with that doctor. That anxious state is what caused him to make the recommendation of a medical leave. If I had never received an email from the Deans, and if I were more levelheaded when I met with the psychiatrist, who knows what would have happened instead. The school, my psychiatrist, and my advisor all said I would be able to come back after my medical leave as long as I met their terms (being okay enough to come back within two weeks basically) and I was still driven by fear and anxiety, so when my advisor talked my parents into the idea of a medical leave as well and everyone around me was pressuring me to leave, I left. It was either have a mental breakdown every day because everyone wants me to leave, and then deal with a cheating accusation that was false while in this state, so of course I chose to leave, believing I could come back and things might be better. I did not know in this moment that they would not let me come back to school that year, even though I met their conditions for the medical leave. I did not know they would blame me for this, saying that I chose to go on the medical leave and that the psychiatrist who recommended me was working for me and not the school (apparently seeing him was an extra charge, he has a relationship with the school but isn’t employed by them, no one told me this and my parents also didn’t know until they were charged money for it). I did not know that they would cut off all contact with me, unceremoniously dumping me and asking me to move out of the dorm, preventing me from having access to campus or teachers or even printers. They changed the password to my school email but did not deactivate the email itself, saying I wasn’t allowed to have access to anything.

I accept all that has happened. I accept that I am not allowed to go back this year, not allowed the privileges a senior usually would have, not allowed to do the things I loved to do at school or have closure or pursue the short term future I had planned carefully for for years. I accept that I won’t receive the same quality of academic excellence at my new school and that I was not accepted into colleges I know I am qualified for because of the transfer and events on my record from this year. I even accept that I paid expensive tuition for a school year I never had, and only received less than half of it back, despite not being there for even one quarter of a semester. I have to accept these things, as I cannot turn back time. If anything, I have forced myself to remember I must be grateful I can still go to school, grateful that I am alive, grateful I am not depressed (I hope) or suicidal, grateful that I have a college I can go to next year even if it’s a college with an acceptance rate of 84% (and since it’s a state school and I’m an in-state applicant, the acceptance rate for applicants like me are basically 94%) and grateful that I refuse to let my previous school bring me down further than it already has.

However, the way I was treated when I sought help was unacceptable. The behavior of the school administration and the lack of support I received is unacceptable. I would have accepted receiving poor support, but being forced out in the way I have been is the opposite of support. I was pushed further down the drain I was already in when I asked for help. I am glad that I have a stable enough mindset to know I was in the right when I asked for support: if I was not in that mindset, I could have retreated into my shell, and I could have became unwilling to seek support let alone try to improve my situation. I could have lost all hope in receiving support without getting rejected and thrown away. I did not, and that is entirely due to my efforts to not sink further. I pulled myself up and made plans to salvage what I could. I would be lying if I said I do not regret asking for support, but I will not say that I completely regret it either.

I have processed these events but I have not moved on as much as I wish to, and I am still very very frustrated and sad. I still feel a bit betrayed even though I guess the school doesn’t owe me anything, since I gave so much to that school and received almost nothing back. Even the way I speak with my friends from the boarding school world is different; I talk to them less often since I don’t live with them, and I don’t feel it’s okay to speak about my feelings regarding my situation or talk about myself because I don’t want to make them sad. They have the things I want the most right now after all, and I don’t want to upset them any further than they already am on my behalf. I don’t want to risk making them feel that they don’t deserve to appreciate what they have because I’m not there to appreciate it too. I want them to appreciate everything fully, and hold the things they love closer to their hearts so they can experience the things I couldn’t. One of my best friends got into his dream school, and I haven’t even told me how devastated I feel about my own college dreams because I want him to be peacefully happy, without being burdened by sadness in the background because I am not in the same position. I may tell him eventually, but I don’t think I will tell him anytime soon, because he deserves to have this moment. I refuse to overshadow his happiness with my grief.

Everything hurts so badly in this moment, but I am strong enough to process it and get through it with the support I do have. I realize that my feelings about this can seem trivial as it’s completely revolved around school, and that I am still in a position of privilege despite all I was put through. I sometimes feel that I’m being silly and overdramatic since I’m still sad about something that happened in November. But this is how I feel, and I can’t control the brain chemicals that give me emotions. All I can do is process, reflect, and grow from the experience. Nothing can be done to erase what has happened, and I do not expect or want apologies from the school like my friends and family do. To me, an apology won’t fix anything - I won’t be able to go back and have things be the same as they were, have this past year erased from my life. I’d normally be grateful for the experience but I haven’t really grown from it at all so I’m not entirely grateful for that, but I digress. I am currently failing at my new school, but I am determined to cling on by my fingernails to graduate on time. I don’t want another year of this ridiculous phase. (:

feeling an abundance of frustrated emotions again. why do people do things without my permission? I wish that adults with the power to change parts of my situation would listen and make efforts to understand me. I’m trying so hard to communicate and I beat myself up every day thinking I’m communicating wrong even though a lot of the time it’s because they didn’t listen. Stupid mouth wasn’t clear enough and didn’t make sure they understood. Why why why why.

No, I must remind myself - communication is a two way street. I can try my best but if the other person doesn’t put in their part it’s not going to work. How do I differentiate between when it’s my fault or theirs though? I don’t want to blame them, I want to take responsibility. I say it’s me. I’m tired of that, can they put in some work too please? I’m not perfect and there is always room for me to improve. I don’t know how to tell others that in a manner they will listen to: I’ve tried before and it usually results in others lashing out, prompting me to go on a self-hate spiral until I rebuild myself in a different way in an effort to please. Or, maybe it is entirely my fault. I’m not sure how but I’m sure I’ll be able to figure out something to criticize about my communication style. Conflicted. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so introspective. the ever-present feelings of shame return, although passively. :/

I don’t know what I’m blubbering about, aha. Thank you for reading, have a lovely day or night.

For the past few days I’ve been feeling periods of numbness again. Or, I suppose I should say I was experiencing a lack of feeling. A few on Cups told me they hoped I would feel better: I didn’t know how to respond, because at the time I didn’t feel anything bad that warranted needing to feel better. I ended up thanking them because they meant well.

I am here because I started to feel again. Even though it’s mostly negative emotions, I’m relieved to have them back. I was finally able to identify how I felt and why I felt it. I know that I will always have myself as a potential source of support, and I don’t really know what will help when I don’t feel any emotion. So when I started sobbing, I was grateful. Not grateful enough to not be sad anymore but whatever, it’s okay.

I am among the most pesky invalidators of myself. I can never escape myself, and I have the largest arsenal of things to criticize about myself because I have - or at least I think I have - the greatest amount of knowledge about my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I hate that fact. I hate that I hate myself and I want to get better. Yet here I am, in a place of stagnancy, not getting better at all. Actually, I may have gotten worse.

Hmm, why did I even type that? That isn’t the thing that’s actively bothering me. It doesn’t passively bother me that much either, to be honest: it’s merely a fact that I dislike, but a fact that I have accepted nonetheless. What did I come here for again? Ah, yes.

I had an urge to message a friend about how I’ve been feeling lately. However, I refuse to act on that urge. I wanted to come here to say what I would have said to that friend, so I could resist my impulse more easily. Now that I’m actually typing random things out I no longer feel like my emotions would matter to him. That may be untrue, but I don’t care. I’m sad after losing something that he has. That’s why I want him to be happy in an untainted manner about it. I can get over my emotions on my own.

Besides, talking to him or any of my other friends for that matter won’t make me feel any less sad. I’d just be wallowing pointlessly in the hopes of some sort of saving grace that doesn’t exist. I must bear this, and be patient. I am determined to grow from this. I don’t think I’m going to say what I previously wanted to say to him here. I know it won’t help me, so I’m not going to waste the effort. Um, farewell then. Sending optional support, hugs, or anything appropriate that you, dear reader, may find helpful to you. That sentence doesn’t make a whole lot of sense - actually, I’m rambling so this doesn’t have any structure or meaning really anymore - so uh goodbye for real. (:

I think I’m grasping at a false image of an ideal I can’t reach. I don’t want to age up, because then I’ll be a legal adult. It feels like my childhood is over even though I know it’s stupid: my age is just a number and I will still be young after becoming a legal adult. It’s hard not to let societal pressures get to me, though. I want to feel like I had a good childhood, ya know? I certainly had it better than a lot of others, but I’m still not satisfied. I know I can’t change the past so I look forward to the future. I fear aging up and letting ‘the now’ pass me by, though - if I keep hanging on to the idea that “things will be better” then what will help things be better now? What will give me memories that I can look back on with satisfaction? Not because I want to brag to others or something, of course, but because then I can be a little more satisfied with myself. I accept I can’t change the past even though I don’t like that but I want to do things before my birthday that make me happy... genuinely happy, not the distracted kind that involves pretending my problems don’t exist. I shouldn’t wish for all my problems to go away because they won’t. Actually they make life better sometimes because they are challenges I can grow from even though I hate them. But I want to feel some sort of equilibrium where I can feel peaceful in a positive way even though life is chaotic. I don’t know how to describe it, um, this probably doesn’t make a ton of sense but I’m lost, you see. The way things are going I predict that I’ll turn 18 with a bad end, like I have for the other 17 years of my life where I have feared birthdays that bring arguments and pain and grief. I don’t want to look forward to my birthday, and I don’t want to make it a goal to have a good birthday for once. I just want to be able to give myself the gift of a good moment of peace before my birthday. Maybe that is too much to ask for. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to get there. I am the best person to figure out how I can get there and I’m stuck. How can I ask for help when the answer has to come from myself? Talking it out or I guess typing hasn’t helped me either, and I keep going in circles like this grasping at straws and chiding myself for overthinking, for placing value on myself and certain goals, for not being able to find a solution or new things to try... I’m so tired, and lost, and sad, and I hate this. I want out of here. At the same time I want to make “here” a better place, because I don’t enjoy wallowing in the attitude that the grass will be greener on the other side. I don’t know, this literally makes no sense, I’m getting in the way of myself and I don’t know how to stop. I’m going to leave this post for now, I’m full out rambling without too much of a filter and thrashing around because of false hope again. I can’t wait for someone to save me because they can’t, I have to save myself. My hope for some sort of a a white knight is unhealthy and foolish: I recognize the stupidity but I still cling on because I don’t know what else to cling on to. The goal there I guess might be to rely on myself but I’m not entirely there yet. I know that I don’t actually want a white knight, it’s just something I have as a placeholder for a solution I don’t have. I want someone to care in a way that will make me feel better, but I also don’t actually want that, because I shouldn’t rely on it. I shouldn’t subscribe to the idea that someone caring will suddenly make things better or will.. I don’t know, solve lots of things I currently cannot describe coherently. That’s a people pleasing habit of mine I should break. Arghhh why can’t I care for myself faster??

Okay, I actually should leave and distract myself with something productive. Grr. I’m sorry, although I don’t know why I’m apologizing. Bye. Take care, random reader scanning over the foolish words of an angsty teenager.

Hold up, sorry, one last thought from a frazzled ADHD brain. I want my father to get help for his anger management issues before my birthday. I guess that could be one step forward towards achieving my goal. I don’t know how that can happen though because he refuses to admit he has issues and I can’t force him to get help if he doesn’t want it. He has to do it himself, and I know I can’t convince him because I’ve tried everything I could think of so far during my short 17 years of life. He thinks that telling me he wants me to commit suicide is okay, and that saying similarly hurtful things to everyone around him is okay but it’s not and I can’t convince him that it’s not unless he wants to believe it himself. I haven’t spoken to him since the last time he told me he didn’t want me because I ran out of energy to try and mend our relationship, so I’ve been hiding under the pretense of giving him something he wants - my disappearance from his life. It’s foolish because I haven’t done anything wrong, and I hate feeling scared or panicked whenever I have to move rooms because he’s there or choose to sit for hours in a locked school or library alone so I can walk home and avoid him. I’m inconveniencing myself for him and it isn’t making anything better. What else can I do though? He has to take action and I can’t force professional mental health care on him. Even if this were somehow miraculously improved before my birthday it’s still not enough for me to achieve my goal; this piece is more about him than me, and I can’t figure out what *I* need for *myself*. Sigh. I feel an episode of numbed panic coming over me, great. So, here is an actual goodbye because I’m getting sensory overload that I refuse to let overwhelm me! Shshfhjejsb! Don’t ask me what that is supposed to mean because I myself don’t know! 😀👋