feeling displaced?

last year i moved away from home and moved to a country which is quite similar to the country i grew up my whole life in and the entire year, the only way i could shake off feeling the way i felt which i couldnt explain for a long time was by distracting myself with an unhealthy amount of internet, that is to say i read soo much manga, watched youtube videos, i disregarded my health, mental wellbeing and just immersed myself into different worlds and attached as well as held onto anything that gave me a tad feeling for familiarity and normality.

i became so addicted to my phone, the first thing i saw before bed and right after waking up, i couldnt bear to stay a second with my very own thoughts, countless times i would feel like i am choking, suffocating and i would disregard it, countless times i would having a panic attack and cry but whilst at it i would disregard it, i would find my emotions spiraling and going off the rails, one second i feel like i am geniunely about to die, i cant breath and i feel sooo much pain that i would be tempted to pick up a knife to end my suffering but then in less than a minute i can breath and my mind is blank and i am laughing at my absurdity and i think to myself 'what happened?' but in normal fashion i would shake my head and move on with what i was doing, pretending what happened did not happen, because addressing it would mean addressing the root and that on its own would lead to a long journey that may or may not cause me to fall into 'depression' which i just couldnt be bothered to deal with.

i did not want to deal with my life, i did not want to address my issues because for some odd reason i feel like i am two people. i dont talk about myself in third person but i think like that sometimes. i know i am me but sometimes i feel like i am not me, i feel like a part of me is the weak pathetic desperate for attention person and i despise that 'me' and so i push that me down and i am left with my other me, the person i am now, a heartless, rude, sorta dishonest, 'b-itchy' me that gets snappy, wants to be alone and loves to distract and procastinate.

i dont necessarily like these parts of me but the illusion and belief that one weak and the other is strong is what makes me stick to who i am, the 'b-tchy- me that i hate.

anyways i digress.

i was going through so much yet i wasnt. it wasnt until recently i decided to stop and take a breath and ask myself what is going on. granted i am still flipflopping between actually trying to do something about my life and going full on into the distraction mode. but i made a discovery, i have been feeling sorta displaced, i use displaced for the lack of better term. i feel like i am there but not quite there, i feel like i am home but theres just the little/big things that doesnt make it feel like home. there are places and building, scenary that resemble home but there is just that one tree that isnt there to make the picture complete, or theres that one building with a different logo or colour. i cant say that i miss home or that i dont miss home, i have not yet dug deep in that emotional pool yet.

i honestly dont know the word for it, but it has been making me feel sort of out of place and yet at the same time in place, and i still do feel the same. i find myself wondering what can i do to force myself back to reality? and i wont lie, i have thought of extreme measures.

how can i force myself to acknowledge where i am and accept it in order to move on? frankly i can only think of extreme dangerous methods so i am open for suggestions if you have any.

is there anyone else going through this as well? how are you handling it? unhealthily like me or better ? i hope better.

feel free to rant off and complain or just discuss in this thread.