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Mental state or some sort of update. i dunno. im alive anyways

Journals & Diaries / by Endlesslystuck

January 25th, 2023

A rant That might or might not be triggering.

Journals & Diaries / by Endlesslystuck

August 22nd, 2022

...See more i dont know what to do. heres the thing.. im married and a month after moving in with my partner, i found out i am pregnant... if you already know me, or have seen my posts im a person that has a ton of problems. alot of issues. possibly depressed with anxiety. i am not a positive person and i really didnt want a child. i didnt want to bring a child into the mess i am. i tried not getting pregnant, i really tried but it takes two to have a child. when i first confirmed at the hospital of my pregnancy status i was already suspicious of it. i didnt want to be pregnant but at the same time i was terrified of not being pregnant because i might be letting my family and inlaws down. which in case it isnt clear im a huge people pleaser. (comes from having a father that put a price on every little form of affection or something of that sort.) i felt extremely bad for not being happy of the existence of my child and for having to bring a child into this world for these reasons. so my way of coping is thinking of myself as a vessel to bring the child to earth and guide them from the wrongs and into the right path. and also telling myself im not the only person with unresolved problems that became a parent. but i also i dont want to be the reason for causing the world to have one more fucked up individual in it. apart from that i feel very stressed at the idea of giving birth. i am terrified and not to mention the idea of being able to keep the child healthy and alive in my body is even more terrifying and i know that im not the first person in this world that has become pregnant. but im scared of mistakenly terminating the pregnancy because of my stress and my lack of food consumption (i find it hard to eat anything because i dont like any of the food at the house and im not the kind of person to speak up and tell her partner she wants this and that because of my personality (again developed as a result of having a father i wasnt able to talk to when i needed something), even though i know he will listen i just feel bad demanding things i want. it isnt that i cant eat the food at home but i dont want to. i dont like it. it makes me wanna puke even though i cook it) aside from food, i also hardly sleep. i am scared that these conditions will not be suitable to grow a human being and i dont know what to do. and it is easier to say to do it for the child but it is hard doing it. everytime i find myself stuck in a small problem, i find myself panicking as usual. like say i have to tell my partner rice or bread finished, i start getting anxious (he isnt a bad person and the wedding was arranged/forced by my parent) or say i mistakenly over used the detergents in washing dishes and cleaning, i dont know where to begin and say we need more of it or it has finished. and when i start panicking over these small issues and i am self aware so i instantly know i am panicking over some small stupid thing. and then i think to myself "is this really someone that can bring a child to earth and raise them right?" or "you really think you are deserve becoming a parent? why did God choose you?" then i instantly start crying over being a shitty parent already and possibly not being able to fully grow a healthy child inside me talk less of when the child comes out to earth. i honestly try to suppress the emotions and try not to think too much but it is really hard. the amount of times i cried as i typed this is something i am unsure of. i just wish God can take me away and i wont have to deal with my existence. anyways, these are thoughts that run across my mind on an almost daily basis and im worried the stress might lead to me having a miscarriage and the thing im most scared about is the idea of how many people would be disappointed in me and since the chances of miscarriage happening because of my actions and stress and whatnot it will be my fault and then i will be blamed for it and my inner self will take it and use it to weaponize it against me when it kicks me down as usual probably when i am going through my usual depressive modes. AND THE FACT THAT I AM THINKING THIS WAY MAKES ME HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE. What kind of person thinks this way GOD!. the one thing i dont want to do is burden others and be the reason of any negative thing or misfortune for others, my child included and so it is difficult because i dont give two shits about myself, which i should. and it is even more difficult because i need to care for myself in order to grow a child inside me and the one person i dont have the energy to deal with is myself and i know it is wrong. dont tell me that. and i know i should try my hardest, even if it isnt for myself but atleast for the child. and it is really hard. i dunno where to start and if i should? what if i end up fucking up and what if i fuck up after the child is born? YES I KNOW IT IS NORMAL but i am scared i am not going to be able to handle it. I am a very weak person mentally and so it is a serious stressful thing to me despite being so self aware and knowing what to do or think. it is much easier knowing and giving advice as opposed to being the one implementing it. and maybe you can say i should get therapy but i cant afford it, i dont have a credit card or money of any sort in my hand. i literally have nothing and i live in a house where everything is provided for me. i am a student with a degree and am studying for my masters but i went into a worser depression than usual and skipped out on most of my classes since april before i moved in and now im pregnant and in a country where i dunno the language and know any person except my partner. who can make life easier but my shitty personality wont let me do anything!!! God i hate myself, i feel cringe and pathetic for acting and thinking like this. like all i have to do is stop being this way and it is hard because of how deeply ingrained this personality of mine is. i dont know why i am typing this because i dont think i am looking for advice, maybe some sympathy? relatability? someone to listen to me? maybe i need someone to talk to but i dont have anyone i can let myself talk to so i guess strangers on the internet is enough for me. the voices and my worries got too much for me so i guess i decided to write it out to let it out because it is too much or maybe to document what im going through to read later in the future. anyways.. these are thoughts that are running through my mind alot lately.

a rant of some sort

Journals & Diaries / by Endlesslystuck

August 22nd, 2022

A letter of Apology

Journals & Diaries / by Endlesslystuck

March 4th, 2022

...See more To you whom i cannot bring myself to be honest to. I am sorry i am so sorry for everything i am sorry for my indifference i am sorry for my inability to care and sometimes show i care i am sorry i feel numb inside and have little interest in anything anymore i am sorry for not trying i am sorry for not wanting to be near you, its not you i swear. it is just so hard to breathe near you. i am sorry for wasting your time and effort in trying to make things work with me. i am sorry for avoiding you and hiding i am sorry for not showing and not being able to have interest in things you like im sorry for not being able to tolerate small things that are easy to let go off i am sorry for sounding irritated everytime i talk to you i am sorry for pushing you into having the same mindset im in, that is to say i am sorry for making you unhappy with my attitude towards life, i know i am making you turn into another me through my actions. i am sorry i have caused our relationship to be broken and not trying to fix it, these days dad says why dont i talk to you anymore, why i dont check on you.. we used to be so close. i am sorry i cannot remember what our friendship was like.... we spent a year away from each other and are no longer connecting, you and i are now in different lanes in life. im sorry i caused this. i am sorry for being a narcissistic piece of shit who only thinks about herself lately. i am sorry for not being nice and happy around you people i am sorry for giving up easily ... i am sorry for breaking you, for turning you into someone i hate. i look in the mirror and see you...empty eyes and a fake smile. i am so sorry for destroying your future i am sorry for being who i am. i am sorry for being confused and scared i am sorry for being helpless and hopeless i am sorry for everything. i am really really sorry for not being able to fix me. for not wanting to fix me, i am sorry for diving deep down into a dark hole i am sorry for seeking rock bottom. dont blame yourself. you are not at fault, i did this to me. i broke me, i ruined me for you. then i ruined you for me. to my friends, i wish you remember me fondly in your memories and not ever think of me. let me bear the fruits of who i am. let me suffer in silence. i am okay that way. i wont blame you so dont worry. just be happy and forget i exist. my existence is my own torture to bear, it is mine alone. i will live with this pain. if im being honest this pain make me feel better. so dont get me wrong, i am not dying in the silence. i deserve the punishment. i have to. if not, everything will be a lie and my life would be one big waste. let me delude myself into believing i am doing the right thing if not, ...it will be too cruel to expect me to accept my reality. i am okay.

Mental state

Journals & Diaries / by Endlesslystuck

November 30th, 2021

two steps forward, five steps back

Journals & Diaries / by Endlesslystuck

June 15th, 2021

feeling displaced?

Journals & Diaries / by Endlesslystuck

January 20th, 2021

...See more last year i moved away from home and moved to a country which is quite similar to the country i grew up my whole life in and the entire year, the only way i could shake off feeling the way i felt which i couldnt explain for a long time was by distracting myself with an unhealthy amount of internet, that is to say i read soo much manga, watched youtube videos, i disregarded my health, mental wellbeing and just immersed myself into different worlds and attached as well as held onto anything that gave me a tad feeling for familiarity and normality. i became so addicted to my phone, the first thing i saw before bed and right after waking up, i couldnt bear to stay a second with my very own thoughts, countless times i would feel like i am choking, suffocating and i would disregard it, countless times i would having a panic attack and cry but whilst at it i would disregard it, i would find my emotions spiraling and going off the rails, one second i feel like i am geniunely about to die, i cant breath and i feel sooo much pain that i would be tempted to pick up a knife to end my suffering but then in less than a minute i can breath and my mind is blank and i am laughing at my absurdity and i think to myself 'what happened?' but in normal fashion i would shake my head and move on with what i was doing, pretending what happened did not happen, because addressing it would mean addressing the root and that on its own would lead to a long journey that may or may not cause me to fall into 'depression' which i just couldnt be bothered to deal with. i did not want to deal with my life, i did not want to address my issues because for some odd reason i feel like i am two people. i dont talk about myself in third person but i think like that sometimes. i know i am me but sometimes i feel like i am not me, i feel like a part of me is the weak pathetic desperate for attention person and i despise that 'me' and so i push that me down and i am left with my other me, the person i am now, a heartless, rude, sorta dishonest, 'b-itchy' me that gets snappy, wants to be alone and loves to distract and procastinate. i dont necessarily like these parts of me but the illusion and belief that one weak and the other is strong is what makes me stick to who i am, the 'b-tchy- me that i hate. anyways i digress. i was going through so much yet i wasnt. it wasnt until recently i decided to stop and take a breath and ask myself what is going on. granted i am still flipflopping between actually trying to do something about my life and going full on into the distraction mode. but i made a discovery, i have been feeling sorta displaced, i use displaced for the lack of better term. i feel like i am there but not quite there, i feel like i am home but theres just the little/big things that doesnt make it feel like home. there are places and building, scenary that resemble home but there is just that one tree that isnt there to make the picture complete, or theres that one building with a different logo or colour. i cant say that i miss home or that i dont miss home, i have not yet dug deep in that emotional pool yet. i honestly dont know the word for it, but it has been making me feel sort of out of place and yet at the same time in place, and i still do feel the same. i find myself wondering what can i do to force myself back to reality? and i wont lie, i have thought of extreme measures. how can i force myself to acknowledge where i am and accept it in order to move on? frankly i can only think of extreme dangerous methods so i am open for suggestions if you have any. is there anyone else going through this as well? how are you handling it? unhealthily like me or better ? i hope better. feel free to rant off and complain or just discuss in this thread.

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