fear has returned
Welp I guess no matter how many healthy coping mechanisms I learn I am not yet able to shake the anxiety and trauma that accompanied me for so many years. The thought of my heart needing special tests that no one else my age needs has me drowning in that same fear of dying all over again. I’m going to go get a physical soon which will be really good all around and hopefully reassuring. But I can’t help but feel paralyzed with fear every time I feel my heart beat. It’s irregular. And when I’m stressed sometimes it has super scary rhythms that make it hard to breathe. The cardiologist said that since I’m a gray area I don’t need special medicine but I can’t help but feel uneasy about it. Doctors aren’t exactly known to be infallible. The main reason that this has plagued my mind all over again is because I’m afraid to fall asleep which then makes my anxiety so much worse. I used to cry until I finally passed out from exhaustion bc I was so scared that if I fell asleep I wouldn’t wake up. I know technically I have nothing to worry about as long as I have semi regular check ups but after this whole covid situation I just don’t know...anything health related is automatically so much more horrifying than it already was to me. Ugh. I just want to feel safe in my own body.
@agreeableHCR
I can so relate to your situation.
It can be really scary and to make matters worse, stress and anxiety can mimic the very symptoms you are being treated for. I have a prolapsing heart valve and have to go for annual echo tests to ensure the added pressure is not affecting my aorta. Initially, I was deathly afraid of being told that they need to replace my valve and/or that my aorta has swollen, or that I'd need surgery for an unrelated condition and end up in ICU again.
I've been under the care of my cardiologist for the past thirteen years now and with the right medication and appropriate lifestyle, we have been able to manage the symptoms and prevent any serious damage to my valve or aorta. I still don't know what to expect in the future. As I get older, the risks increase and the need for a valve replacement may start to outweigh the risks of surgery but that is not something I have control over. It's difficult not to stress or get anxious about the future or every time my chest starts fluttering but stressing about it and/or not sleeping due to it, only serves to add even further stress to my heart.
I completely and entirely understand when you say that doctors aren't infallable. It's a lesson I had to learn at a very young age. Yet, medicine has come a very long way and even though it is not an exact science, we couldn't ask to be in better hands these days.
The most I can tell you, is to listen to your cardiologist and trust in what they are doing and do your part by trying to remain calm and give your body the rest that it needs.
All of the best to you, stay strong 
Oh wow I’m at a loss for words thank you so so much for this response. I haven’t met anyone else who has a similar struggle so this is especially meaningful. And you’re absolutely right, medicine has come an incredibly long way and it’s okay to have faith in it, necessary even. I’m sorry to hear that you have had to and continue to deal with heart concerns but you are so brave and strong I really admire you. You give me something to aspire to. You have such a deep understanding of how you can best take care of yourself in spite of the scary uncertainty and it’s so inspiring. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for responding. I wish you nothing but the very best. You are one tough cookie 🍪♥️
@agreeableHCR
I'm just glad I could help, even if it was just by sharing my experience.
Don't let the chocolate chips fool you, I'm not such a tough cookie by nature, I'm just overbaked 
Beloved,
My heart stopped when I was 21 years old. I understand your fear... I am 99% dependent on a little battery in my chest.
If it stops, I stop. I'm using battery 500% faster than was projected. My heart does not beat on its own.
This may give you peace or make you hate me, but this is what I know as truth in my life (And I am a skeptic)
Every breath in my lungs is a gift.
The blood in my veins is a gift.
Every sunrise I see is a gift.
Every day I get to wake up to my wife is a gift.
I have feared death since I was a child... as a christian, I still do.
But in God and Jesus... somehow there is a peace I don't understand.
He knows my life, the days I will live... He knows when I will die, and because I have peace with Him... I can have peace in death.
I don't feel safe in my body, either. I check my pulse compulsively at times. If my heart skips a beat... I panic.
"You will keep in perfect peace
Him whose mind is steadfast
Because He trusts in You."
Isaiah 26:3
Shalom Shalom.
Oh I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to experience that. I may have to get one of those little batteries myself one day too but I should be grateful that an option like that exists at all. Modern medicine is really a beautiful thing. This is actually very reassuring. I’m a Christian too and sometimes I feel bad for feeling so scared because I worry that it seems like I do not trust in Him when I very much do. I just can’t help it sometimes, but it must be because every single moment is such a gift like you’ve said, I want to hold onto it for as long as possible. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me, it means a lot. I hope that you continue to live your life with the light you have shown me and get many many many more sunsets and mornings with your wife. Take care:)
@agreeableHCR
UGH yes.... You know Jesus. I love that.
There's a song I was just Jamming out to today... A lyric was this:
"You know, I died too,
I was Terrified"
I'm hitting you up on here. lol
@agreeableHCR- my heart goes out to you. Have you considered treatment for your anxiety? The heart irregularities sound vaguely familiar to the onset of a panic attack - which can be very frightening and real. My other first thought is what is your consumption of caffeine? Many people find coffee and similar products can affect heart rhythm. Please take care.
Thanks for your kind words!! Unfortunately I am very familiar with heart arrhythmia from anxiety but the heart issues I’m talking about is separate. Although that’s important to keep in mind! I had to have a cardiologist in high school when I passed out and they found that I fall into a gray area for a certain condition. You’re right that I ought to be careful with my caffeine intake as well so thanks for the reminder, it’s easy to forget that. I appreciate you reaching out! I hope you have a great week