diary 04/26/2022

(comments okay)

feeling - overwhelmed & waves of horrible feelings keep coming over me and I'm just trying to ride it out

I am moving this week, and that is exhausting. Plus I've moved so much over the past several years. I just want to find some place that I can stay and some people I can be with, with some kind of longevity.

I moved into this shared house and I really hoped that that kind of community and longevity could exist here, but I overlooked a lot of red flags and didn't speak up about it or really acknowledge it to myself.

I also realized I had been in an abusive relationship but hadn't fully accepted that I was a survivor of that either - I just thought it was my responsibility to get over it without ever fully feeling the anger about it or accepting that some of the things that happened were wrong.

I think my denial of that contributed to me getting into another situation where I minimized my own needs & minimized things that were not working for me & didn't communicate ... but also I have tried to communicate, I just don't feel any reciprocity from my housemates and I see that they're struggling with things too. But it's really frustrating and ... yeah I just had to accept that I can't fix or change other people's problems.

Plus, the person I was in that relationship with happens to look a little bit like one of my housemates, and I never told them that because why would I want to talk about that? But I'm worried that my lack of transparency & my attempt to build a relationship anyway with this new person just created a really weird situation. I really want us to just be friends but at this moment I just can't handle it.

And now I just feel so overwhelmingly anxious and just shut myself in my room almost any time I hear my housemates around outside. Except for one housemate who I think has similar problems because we've talked about it and they're a really nice person but things still haven't changed enough for me to stay.

Sorry that's a lot of angst in a lot of words lol. I think what bothers me most is I am just giving up on having relationships with some of these people who I've lived with for months, and I hate doing that? But I also just have no idea how to continue with a relationship in a way that's authentic and doesn't feel like I'm ignoring my own boundaries. Maybe with time and once we don't live together it'll be better. But also there's definitely one person here that I want to just go no-contact with [for too many reasons to get into here].

Idk. Wish me luck with moving? At least I don't have too much stuff and I can borrow a car from my family. I'm looking forward to being elsewhere and just focusing on myself for a while. I also want to get back into therapy - I've been trying to do that but just having so much overwhelm and difficulty finding someone accessible and... yeah but maybe it'll be easier once my immediate physical environment is different and this house isn't taking up so much energy from me.

Ok. Thanks for reading if you read this far. I really just vented a lot.