Writting on empty

I woke up today, went down the stairs and has no idea what to do. It was blank. Why? No idea. My sister was still sleeping at the time. I look at her getting out of bed, do her morning routine, asked: "Will you be able to listen to me about my issues."

"I can, but I already know."

I was introduced to a blog yesterday. The blogger writes, everyday about the issues she pondered. Liked the idea. Why not? I though. Because I don't know what to do any ways.

Maybe, I though to myself, it will help me sort out my thinkings. I try to ignore most of my thoughts. I used to think a lot, way too much. Until the tangled, until I was lost in depression. Scary place. Don't want to go back there. Time goes on, I realize the need to face myself in order to truly breakthrough.

Write online, not offline. That is for the same reason, because I don't want to do this alone. On my own. No one will read here. It doesn't matter. Does it?

I can't tell everything to the listeners I came across. It's hard. Very hard to do so.

I am constantly afraid to cross the boundaries. Questions questions questions.

Cried, haven't in a long time. She said: "I think your problem is trivial,"

"What problem you're talking about."

"Your gender identity problem." Tired of this shit. Hurts. You don't understand, how fucking lucky you, you all are... How long can I keep going? I want to make it out of here. Do I want gender reassignment surgery? Not sure. The need to be acknowledged correctly grew, hurts. Shame, pain. Stupid fucking repressed country. When will I be able to get out of here? When I have enough money. Go anywhere,do anything.

What am I good at?

What is my passion?

I'm just a piece of shit. Death, dying sounds pleasant. Very much so. A lot of people think about suicide, act on it. Run away.

I won't run away. I will make it out of here, for sure. Why? Stubborn? Stupid? Coward?

Eager to write this, not sure why. Can't wait until night time, I'm still at work, it will not take long.

Events can change pretty quickly in the day. Before I cried, I had a lot of fun (yesterday). It's stupid I know, running with kids in the playground for 1 hour 30 minutes? Stupid, stupid. Still had the time of my life.

Writing a game, visual novel. Not that difficult, an interactive story with pictures is what it is. Love to draw, never satisfied with it. Probably considers it one of my worst failures.

Chatting in a group? Is weird, still is. Though I was pass the social phobic phase? Not really. But managed. Don't know why she's into it, she invited me in. Was cool, is trivial either way. Shouldn't do if not interested.

People people. I like them, or do I not? Interacting is hard for the most parts, chatting was way easier (not in group of unfamiliar people). Such low self esteem, is it low self esteem problems?

He called me baby, met twice. Messaged me? Why? Is he gay? Is he into females looking like males who are taller than him? Just flirty? Still reply. Wait, says he is "married" to another girl on Facebook. Should keep my distance. Who the f*ck cares, take opportunities to interact. Want a lover, bad (not that guy).

So it's just sexually frustration? He asked. Hah. Maybe. Probably. Can't express properly gender-wise.

"I don't think your problem is serious," lol.

Have a strong urge to break free. How? When? Tries. Keep trying. because it's life.

11:44PM. I am writing this because I am afraid. Probably of my past. I tell others that I think too much and that I am existential. That is not right, it was the closest I could get to describe myself. I think too much about my feelings, overanalyze them. Is there a word to describe that?

When I am truly me, I became weird, incomprehensive, it's embarrassing. Not sure why. I change very fast, people influence me in a matter of days. It's bizarre and makes me seems like another person from time to time, it bothers me. A lot of things bothers me about myself. My worries were far from delusional. When you are you, it's awkward. You pretend, you act up. It's not perfect, a poor acting but hey, at least it works a little bit. Right?

How can some people not learn common senses like others? I barely look at everything, it's hard for me to concentrate on several senses at once. I would talk, and my vision is a blur. Is it normal? It bothers me sometimes. I wish I was more on the normal side. It's uncomfortable to have to see a question mark from your friend when you tried to describe him how you are feeling. It's trivial. It's okay not to express fully to people. What I need is to understand myself.

I did notice that someone takes the time to up vote my posts. I didn't expect anyone to look at this. Thank you, it means something to me. This week is gonna be busy. I will go on vacations with my company to the beach for 4 days, plan to return one day earlier because I want to attend a seminar... I went to a few seminars lately, I don't know if it will help me develop financially. They did a lot of advertisement "If you attend my class you will... if you sign up now, you will have a discount of... etc." so generic. Probably are aching to make money with their stupid courses.

Why do I still go? Good question. Because they are inspiring, the speakers, they are unlike me. Unlike the people I am surrounded with. They are so positive, and that is inspiring, which is the reason why I kept going. It inspires even someone like me. At least there is something to look forward to.

My sister studies art in Paris. She returns home for summer vacations. She told me about her friends and life in France. Much less uptight, much better. That's the reason I want more money. Because I want to travel the world.

I met many nice international people on the internet, unlike in my real life, unlike this repressed country that I am in. I want to find people in the LGBTQ community, want to gather information on the gender reassignment therapy.

My sister is different from me, even when she is in Vietnam, she found group of people who are a little more aspiring. I, on the other hand, on the few occasion I tried, were met with people who are not as good. Or maybe it's the way I act towards them, I didn't search long enough, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence? I don't know, really don't know anything. No use comparing further. Low self esteem, so low.

We are here to listen and be listened, we all face difficulties in our lives ,some are going through traumatic things, some of us just wanted someone to talk to,but we are warriors, survivors and fighters. We can't let our past take over our lives,it's the past you can't let it define you because no matter what, there's always people that going to give a sheet if your having a good day or a bad day. Us strangers going through pain,traumatic things and horrors i find it easy talking about the hardships because I know I won't be judged upon my past. we got to fight ur inner demons trying to take us to insanity, we because when there's nobody there we have to be our own heroes and anchors ⚓ if you thinking about suicide I'm here and I care.

I am glad that I can write this, the phone application is terrible with the forum. My roommate is having a video call with her friend, they are so cheerful, how envious. We are on a trip to the beachwith the company.

It's crowded here because it's summer time so a lot of people had their vacations. I liked swimming even though there were so many people around and I had to make extra efforts to dodge them.

You know, it barely occurred to me that my controversial appearance would affect my social skills so much. I am biologically female, but I identify as male... And I look and act like one. I aspired to be like the males around me, at the end of the day, it is as it is. I probably am like other man, but I am not fully male. Female body, female voice. It's irritating.

I bought a tour guide around the place, after I pay, the driver said: "You're a man but you mumble like a girl." I just laughed it off, as I always do. How pathetic, how stupid. More than anything, maybe I wish I am a cisgender individual. How much easier life could have been. Thinking about trying to look feminine, it will take so much work. Too much work for something that goes against my will, goddamit.

You are not alone. One of my friend like you. Exactly like you. And she is okay right now. We are being friend since junior high school. And now she is 40. I can accept her. As him. Because his though. You are not alone. He go thruu a lot of thing. He also very spiritual person. So she can go truu a lot. Read a lot. Dont be shy with your self. Keep make a friend. Someday. You will find your way. He is a very great person now. Hanging your hope. She have advantage to go arround with girl. And also can go along with guys. You also could. She have many friend. So dont be depressed. Keep having friends.

I am so goddamn pissed at the moment, for some reason I cannot proceed things as planned, all the alternatives aren't working properly either. I am stressed. I don't know if I can do anything, it's discouraging most of the time. But yeah, I guess I will keep trying anyways. I am always abstract. Usually I don't like to go into details about what I do, it's not that interesting I guess. Today is not a busy day at work, I think I am overworking myself though. I have been doing stuffs everyday even on weekends so I probably didn't get enough rest as I used to which resulted in my state of frustration and tiredness.

More so with the fact that, for some reason, I cannot sign up on the prominent autoresponders I needed. One of them doesn't proceed the bills online, the other doesn't send me the verification code. I asked for support but now I need to wait, I am eager. It's so stupid that they are the biggest on the Internet yet they both died at the same time. Wait, I still see others being able to sign up. What the hell! I don't get it. Damn it!

So sleepy but I am a sensible one, I can't fully rest at my workplace. I should stop trying to work on that for today, maybe I'll check back tonight. Most of the times, I cannot stop asking myself what I am doing with my life. Am I a failure? I suck at various things, such as socialization, planning, decision making and persuasion. Come on, there is nowhere to go if you give up. Really, these are the things I'd rather not mention to the listeners or most people at that... Stupid, stupid.

It's hot.

Loneliness is when you do stuffs on your own and it's cool. Then at some point, you stop and stare at the scenery ahead and there is no one with you to share your thoughts and what you have been through. You feel disconnected and you don't know how to express, you don't know the right way to invite others into your life. You are scared that you are not strong enough and you feel like you are falling.

You think about it then you concluded being lonely is when you feel dependent on something outside of yourself, is when you feel like you cannot stand on your own. Being alone isn't sad, it isn't necessarily lonely. It's ultimately because you think you need someone else to ground you. You rely on the acknowledgements and acceptance they gave, you are a beggar, you rely on things you cannot control and you though to yourself why you are sad and why you are lonely. You blame them because they do not meet your criteria.

Why do you feel the need for acknowledgements from exterior sources? When you said it yourself, is it unreliable? You do not believe in yourself because you are weak. Exactly like that kid, you are running away.