What Have I Done?

For the past few months I've been getting myself physically, mentally, and educationally prepared for the military. I've already gone through the process with the contract and everything, but lately things from my past have been resurfacing and my ship date got moved back significantly since I tested positive for COVID, thus having to quarantine. Basically, every day it gets closer to my new ship date, I think more and more about taking my own life to avoid it because I don't have the same motivation or drive as I did before. I feel like an imposter where the more I try to sculpt myself into this military persona, the more I'm losing who I am and what I want out of life at my core. I thought that the military was for me because it could've made me less of a wreck and seen as more than worthless, but I realize now that what I was searching for at the time I enlisted was my own independence from family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but they've always been the overprotective, overbearing types of people. I'm never allowed to do anything wrong or be anything other than happy, because if I am, I'm given the cold shoulder until I feel a normal way again. They were all for me joining the military, and other people around me are too, which is why it's hurting me greatly to disappoint them and think less of me. I do have another path to go down if I do decide to tell my Petty Officer, but I'm afraid I'll lose everybody in this decision I'm trying to make for myself.