Voidy's Diary
((Replies welcome:3))
Hi,
I have borderline, dysthymia, panic disorder and anxiety.
Every day I struggle in one way or another, whether that be full on breakdowns or bodily tremors and anxiety tics (twitches? I don't know the right term)
I struggle heavily with an almost possessive need to be with and around my partner, but going there is also very exhausting because it takes planning and preparation to venture outside. I have a strict schedule to adhere to, that ultimately gets altered anytime I feel it's too overwhelming.
I don't often get to come on here, but when I do I find Mindfulness the safest place for my mind, and I hope this thread will help too. I have a physical diary, for the extremely personal bits and noting things down to mention to people who need to know. But I also need this extra space
As of rn (17/02/22) I'm also physically ill. And while a headcold is pretty easy to handle, I'm also struggling with stomach issues due to bad eating habits, and onsets of chest infection and tonsillitis too. This, on top of all the other things I'm dealing with (That I simply don't have the energy to write about right now), are squeezing me and squishing me back into my little hole in the ground, metaphorically ofc. I'm tired. I'm in the UK and I have a 'Talking Changes' assessment on 19th, I'm hoping they can help because I was recently discharged from counselling, and the institute I used to be an outpatient at won't take me back.
I guess that's all for today.
@VoidyBlep Hello, Voidy, and thanks for sharing your diary with us. It takes courage to put your feelings out there and I'm touched by the steps you are taking to work things out toward becoming the best you. Hang in there.
@MidwesternCalmSeeker Thank you <3
(( 28/02/2022 )) TW: Mention of meds and weight management
I feel like summer is coming really, really fast... and in the summer, due to being overweight, I physically find it hard to cope in the warmth.
Today I had a Doctor's appointment... It was prioritised for talking about my insomnia, which I got help for and am going onto sleep medication as of tomorrow, hopefully I will have my mornings back soon...
I also talked to them about my breathing. Now, I have been a heavy, deep breather all my life, it's just the way my lungs are made. Understandably it got worse with smoking, which I started at 18yo (dumb, I know, I wish I didn't) and it's getting real bad again...
My logical personal explanation for this was my weight, which I mentioned to the doctor. She wants me in the General Practice for a face-to-face to check my lungs and chest out, hopefully this will disqualify any potentially serious issues. Otherwise, the only thing I can think is maybe it's my sinuses? I don't know though, I guess we'll find out
In regards to me relating this to my weight, she has medically encouraged me to make healthier choices, so today I have been planning what I'll do, when I'll do it, etc etc
I don't have any money until 11th March, so I'll be dealing with cruddy food until then, but then I will be doing a healthier shop with support and encouragement from my sister, who I'm taking as a 'Health Sponsor' so-to-speak.
I will buy veggies, fruits, nuts, plain meats etc etc, I have a drawer full of spices ready and waiting at home, and I will begin my journey into a healthier eating life I guess
I'm really scared that I won't be able to do it, I'm scared I'll stay fat forever. My tummy is beginning to overhang, my (pardon the TMI) breasts are too heavy and they really hurt my back now, and I just feel plain repulsed by myself. I ignore the mirrors in my house unless I need them to pluck my chin and neck, yes you heard that right, and no I don't have PCOS, it's because of my weight. (Sorry if that sounds snarky, you can understand my frustration, and I have been tested for PCOS)
I feel horrific, I look disgusting, and I honestly just wanna curl up in giant hoodies and sweatpants forever and walk with my head down to hide. I don't even understand how my boyfriend still finds me sexy at this point, I'm surprised he hasn't left.
@VoidyBlep
I'm also planning to work out, I actually own Insanity MAX: 30 - Of course I won't being ham on this, I'm going to go into it with a beginner's mind and take it slowly, steadily and only do what I'm able.
Alongside this I'm hoping to try yoga, as has been suggested to me for my joints and also mental health
I'm so freaking scared, I have so many nice clothes that I own and even more in wishlists on apps and whatnot to buy 'if I get skinny' like is that even healthy? Who knows
But what I do know is that if I do get to a healthy weight, and I know I don't need to be skinny I need to be HEALTHY, then I wanna be able to dress up, I wanna wear a dress in the summer, where a crop and shorts to bathe in the sun, and not dehydrate in 5 minutes because I sweat so damn much.
I have incentive: My health, my self-esteem and these pretty clothes. I also wanna like the way I look, and ofc there's the 'I wanna look good for you' with my partner, so there's motivation there... it's just finding a way to manifest and use that motivation.