VENT

The thing is…

When i was younger

I didn’t care all that much

When i didn’t get to have a party with my friends

Cause i still got presents from my family

And that's all little kids really care about

The presents

But year after year went by

And i still didn't get to have one

It was okay though in my kid mind

Cause I understood party places were expensive

And i couldn't invite friends over

Due to the house looking like trash

So i understood

And wasn’t too phased

Because i saw my friends at co-op

Then

Up comes my thirteenth birthday

I have archery friends and co-op friends

Plenty to invite to a party

I'm all excited for this year

Because my mother said yes

to a party at home with my friends—

Oh…

the ability be excited

Such a treasure i never cherished

—and then covid with its lockdowns happen

And my mother blocks all my friends’ contacts

Because they’re queer

I never even got to invite anyone

My thirteenth came and went

My Fourteenth?

No friends

Fifteenth?

Same thing

Now my sixteenth is coming up

Its my "Sweet Sixteen"

I'm going to be Sixteen in nine days

And ive never had a party with my friends

Why does this hurt me so much

Why does it bother me so *** much

Oh yeah

Because I can have a party

My mother has welcomed the idea with open arms

But i have no one to invite

No one my mother approves of anyway

I'd rather go unalive in my bed

than have an awkward party/”hangout”

with two people i'm barely friends with

That’s how you know you’re close to me

If i would invite you to a party

I clung to someone toxic for so long

Someone who led me to SHing

Who guilt tripped me

Till i was strung up in her web with a noose

Because i wanted A Normal experience

I hate how i know

that if i was public schooled

Id probably have jumped out my window by now

god damnit