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Shawdios
11,927 M Pacing Forward 6
PathStep 30 Compassion hearts760 Forum posts21 Forum upvotes40 Current upvotes40 Age GroupTeen Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceApril 16, 2022
Bio

Ello there! 


You can call me Shawn or Shaw!
I use all pronouns, I don't really care what you refer to me with. (Some simply give more serotonin than others) I identify as Non-binary 

Im an AuDHD (autistic and ADHD) brain, so my social skills are… very weak, apologies in advance. My memory is also practically non-existent, i will very likely forget the small details. 

Im almost 16, i turn as such on March 19. 

I personally struggle with SH, and I'm very open to talking about it. 
I also struggle with being a people pleaser, so its hard for me to say no or leave a group chat without the fear of someone feeling bad. 

~some music/artists I recommend~


•♦•


People won't be people
When they hear this sound
That's been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
People won't be people
No, the people won't be people when they hear this sound
Won't you show me what begins at the edge of town
People won't be people
When they hear this sound
That's been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
People won't be people
No, the people won't be people when they hear this sound
Won't you show me what begins at the edge of town
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
Kitchen is the cook, whoa, ey, oh
Scissors are the barbers, whoa, ey, oh
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
The full of actors
People won't be people
When they hear this sound
That's been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
People won't be people
No, the people won't be people when they hear this sound
Won't you show me what begins at the edge of town
People won't be people
When they hear this sound
That's been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
People won't be people
No, the people won't be people when they hear this sound
Won't you show me what begins at the edge of town
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
Kitchen is the cook, whoa, ey, oh
Scissors are the barbers, whoa, ey, oh
Singer is a crook, whoa, ey, oh
The full of actors
People won't be people
When they hear this sound
That's been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
People won't be people
No, the people won't be people when they hear this sound
Won't you show me what begins at the edge of town
People won't be people
When they hear this sound
That's been glowing in the dark at the edge of town
People won't be people
No, the people won't be people when they hear this sound
Won't you show me what begins at the edge of town


•♦•

Song - Band



Atlas - Battle




•♦•
I am starting to wonder if I am— uh
Attracted to abusive people
At the very least these people keep finding me
I guess it could be coincidence but I don't think it is
I think I go looking for them
I think a part of me wants this
I think that part of me wants strict rules
A relationship based on my ability to adhere to protocol
Explicit pass fail criteria
With no grey areas
Hoops of fire to jump through
Long nights of screaming and crying
And the peace, the calm that comes after
I don't want you to respect or value me for who I am
That is not special, anyone can do that
I want you to want more from me than that
I want you to more from me than me
I want someone who will treat me like I treat myself
I want conditional love
And if you refuse to be this person
If you say "Not me, I couldn't do that!"
That's okay
But if you are willing to learn
Then I can teach you

•♦•

CONDITIONAL LOVE - The Narcissist Cookbook

•♦•

I could sit here all day

Recite the words you used to say
I wrote them down on my wrist
Hating me would be better than this
You would ignore my calls
Ignore what I wrote on your wall
You probably tore up my list
You probably forgot that I exist
Tell me the truth what would you do
If I told you I'm coming to find you
He loves me he loves me not
He left me here I'm starting to rot
The way he talks gives me butterflies
Even if it's only pointless lies
But I don't give a damn
I only want to hold
Hold his hand
I want nothing more
Than to hear you knocking at my door
You moved away when i moved closer
You hated me you called me a monster
But I wont apologize
I miss the scared look in your eyes
When I said I'll always follow
Where you are is where I will go
Tell me the truth what would you do
If I told you I'm coming to find you
He loves me he loves me not
He left me here I'm starting to rot
The way he talks gives me butterflies
Even if it's only pointless lies
He loves me he loves me not
I pick the petals and I watch them drop
He's with me inside my head
And when I'm done the flowers dead
But I don't give a damn
I only want to hold
Hold his hand
Tell me the truth what would you do
If I told you I'm coming to find you
You'll run away and catch up slowly
You're my religion I swear you are holy
He loves me he loves me not
He left me here I'm starting to rot
The way he talks give me butterflies
Even if he's only bullshit lies
He loves me he loves me not
I pick the petals and I watch them drop
He's with me inside my head
And when I'm done the flowers dead
But I don't give a damn
Only want to hold his hand
I don't give a damn
I only want to hold
Hold his hand

•♦•

He loves me (he loves me not) - Baby bugs

•♦•

You didn't have to look my way
Your eyes still haunt me to this day
But you did, yes you did
You didn't have to say my name
Ignite my circuits and start a flame
But you did
Oh, Turpentine erase me whole
('Cause I) don't want to live my life alone
(Well I) was awaiting for you all my life
Oh
Why
Set me free, my honey
Bee
Honey
Bee
♪
You didn't have to smile at me
Your grin's the sweetest that I've ever seen
But you did, yes you did
You didn't have to offer your hand
'Cause since I've kissed it I am at your command
But you did
Oh, Turpentine erase me whole
('Cause I) don't want to live my life alone
(Well I) was waiting for you all my life
Oh
Why
Set me free, my honey
Bee
♪
Honey
Bee
♪
Hello goodbye, it was nice to know you
How I find myself without you
That I'll never know (That I will never know?)
I let myself go (I let myself go)
Hello goodbye, I'm rather crazy
And I never thought I was crazy
But what do I know? (But what do I know?)
I let myself go (I let myself go)
Honeybee
♪
Honeybee
♪
Hello goodbye, it was nice to know you
How I find myself without you
That I'll never know
I let myself go
Hello goodbye, I'm rather crazy
And I never thought I was crazy
But what do I know? (But what do I know?)
I let myself go (I let myself go)
Hello goodbye, it was nice to know you
How I find myself without you
Hello goodbye, I'm rather crazy
And I never thought that I was crazy
Hello goodbye, it was nice to know you
How I find myself without you
Hello goodbye, I'm rather crazy
And I never thought I was crazy
•♦•

Honeybee - Steam Powered Giraffe

•♦•
Spill your guts, sing your heart out
Throw it all away
Forgive don't forget, okay?

And I know that someday soon you'll look back
On all this and you'll laugh

Forgive, don't forget!
While you forgive, don't forget!
Okay?

Move along, move along, move along now
Even though your heart screams with regret
When the night ends, when the night ends
Find a way to carry on!

World keeps turning, undiscerning
And it's dragging all of us along by the neck
World keeps turning, we are burning
All our bandages

Move along, move along, move along now
Even though your heart screams with regret
Pick yourself up, when the night ends
Find a way to carry on!


Move along, move along, move along now
Even though your heart screams with regret

Spill your guts, sing your heart out
Throw it all away
Forgive don't forget, okay?

And I know that someday soon you'll look back
On all this and you'll laugh

Forgive, don't forget!
While you forgive, don't forget!
So I hope we meet again
So I hope we meet again
Someday!
•♦•


All you can hope for now are the scars to show for it!!! - STOMACH BOOK


•♦•


We'll meet again
Don't know where, don't know when
But I know we'll meet again
Some sunny day
Keep smiling through
Just like you always do
'Til the blue skies drive the dark clouds
Far away
So will you, please, say hello
To the folks that I know?
Tell them I won't be long
They'll be happy to know
That as you saw me go
I was singing this song
We'll meet again
Don't know where, don't know when
But I know we'll meet again
Some sunny day
We'll meet again
Don't know where, don't know when
But I know we'll meet again
Some sunny day
Keep smiling through
Just like you always do
'Til the blue skies drive the dark clouds
Far away
So will you, please, say hello
To the folks that I know?
Tell them I won't be long
They'll be happy to know
That as you saw me go
I was singing this song
We'll meet again
Don't know where, don't know when
But I know we'll meet again
Some sunny day

•♦•

We'll Meet Again - Vera Lynn

•♦•




Recent forum posts
VENT
Journals & Diaries / by Shawdios
Last post
 March 14th, 2023
...See more The thing is… When i was younger I didn’t care all that much When i didn’t get to have a party with my friends Cause i still got presents from my family And that's all little kids really care about The presents But year after year went by And i still didn't get to have one It was okay though in my kid mind Cause I understood party places were expensive And i couldn't invite friends over Due to the house looking like trash So i understood And wasn’t too phased Because i saw my friends at co-op Then Up comes my thirteenth birthday I have archery friends and co-op friends Plenty to invite to a party I'm all excited for this year Because my mother said yes to a party at home with my friends— Oh… the ability be excited Such a treasure i never cherished —and then covid with its lockdowns happen And my mother blocks all my friends’ contacts Because they’re queer I never even got to invite anyone My thirteenth came and went No party My Fourteenth? No friends Fifteenth? Same thing Now my sixteenth is coming up Its my "Sweet Sixteen" I'm going to be Sixteen in nine days And ive never had a party with my friends Why does this hurt me so much Why does it bother me so *** much Oh yeah Because I can have a party My mother has welcomed the idea with open arms But i have no one to invite No one my mother approves of anyway I'd rather go unalive in my bed than have an awkward party/”hangout” with two people i'm barely friends with That’s how you know you’re close to me If i would invite you to a party I clung to someone toxic for so long Someone who led me to SHing Who guilt tripped me Till i was strung up in her web with a noose Because i wanted A Normal experience I hate how i know that if i was public schooled Id probably have jumped out my window by now god damnit
SH and Autism overlap (TW for mention/admissions of SH(
Autism Support / by Shawdios
Last post
 February 16th, 2023
...See more I wanna ask Calling all autistics! I wanna know how many of us SH, and if there even are any others out there. I am an Autistic SHer and honestly i feel kinda alone in both communities. Most SHers don't get it when i say i find feeling the texture of my skin stimulating and pleasing when it's healing (they assume its a sexual thing). But if i turn to this community, i’m an outcast as a SHer, because “why in the world would you harm yourself like that?!” just trying to get a grasp on things and feel not as alone. [edited]
Shaws poems
Self-Harm Recovery / by Shawdios
Last post
 March 15th, 2023
...See more [TW, mild romanticism/metaphor/symbolism (not promoting)] The artist wonders how long Till the lines grow deeper And their brush more aggressive How slippery is the slope? they ponder As the farther up lines crawl Their brush imatates a kitten claws Drawing paint from the can Ever so slightly Eventually their brush will grow rusty What then? Will it knock some sense into the artist? Only time will tell But how much will Time tell? Will it tell the artist anything? Or are Time’s words falling on deaf ears The lines are pleasing to touch Their rough texture a craved stimuli So the artist relishes in the fruit of their labor As their fingers trail up and down the canvas Full of fading red lines Both new and old
Am I actually Ace? And how the labeling system we have is inefficient and confusing
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by Shawdios
Last post
 July 27th, 2022
...See more So I’ve been debating for the past year or so whether I’m actually Ace or not. curently I identify as aromantic pansexual, But I match the definition of asexual, I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone. I don’t really like the definition of a sexuality being who you’re sexually attracted to because if a girl is a lesbian then she doesn’t like guys or non-binary people sexually. And the same for a gay guy, he doesn’t like girls or non-binary people sexually. (unless I have the definition wrong, I’m sorry if I do) now does this mean that a gay guy is sexually aroused by male presenting people? And a lesbian girl is sexually aroused by female presenting people? If so, what about the non-binary folks? Are they excluded by definition? i have never found someone “hot” but I do know that I enjoy the experience of sex, so this is where I’m confused. I’ve tried to find definitions and I’ve come to the conclusion that the definitions and how we define it all isnt enough. So I personally define “sexuality” as what genitalia a person prefers their partner to have, including intersex people because I feel they are severely ignored in general. By my definition, I am pansexual, meaning I don’t have a preference for what my partner has and that I’m fine with whatever they have. so I divvy my attractions up into three areas: sexual attraction, Romantic attraction, and aesthetic atraction. romantic attraction is who you prefer to have as a romantic partner. (I.e. go on dates with, kiss affectionately, and romantic things in general) i identify as aromantic, meaning I don’t have romantic attraction to anyone. as for aesthetic attraction, I define this as who you are visually attracted to (I.e. who turns you on and arouses you by visual aspect alone) on this i identify as athetic basically this is what the current sexuality is (for the sake of familar terms I’m ace) how would you use this if you were attracted to a masculine presenting person? Mathetic and for female, femthetic and non-binary? Embthetic. Pan could also apply here, same with Demi or bi. Panthetic, demithetic, bithetic. (The difference between bi and pan in this area is pan is everyone vs Bi being just male and female presenting because yeah, some people aren’t visually attracted to embys and that’s fine) I’m sorry if this offends anyone or any group in the lgbtqia+ community, I didn’t not intend to do so, or invalidate anyone. This has the opposite intentions to vailidate the people who feel like I do and don’t know how to identify with the current labels I simply have been thinking about this a lot and these definitions make the most sense to me to use.
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