Tired Man Corner

I have been suffering from anxiety and other feelings for a while. I think keeping a diary might help me see how things progress if any.

These are interlinked, in that I feel that my past mistakes make my present and future situation bleak, but I have tried to split them up so that it is easier to understand.

I feel sadness and regret because I feel I have wasted a lot of time and money until now, and did not apply myself to develop a skill, to learn something in depth, or strengthen one of my weak-points such as maths, or apply myself in any other way that would have given me now a better chance or place in life.

I feel loneliness because I don’t have more close friends, people that I can depend on if things become dire. It is just me. Also because I don’t have a significant other, and I don’t feel like I bring much to the table. A lot of the women around my age are in a batter place in life and most still want children, which I don’t, so I can’t find anyone.

I feel fear and anxiety keenly, because I don’t feel like I have much control of the future. I feel unskilled and when I lose my current job I won’t have another income that will cover my mother’s needs. As an only child to single parent, the entire responsibility falls on me and I fear that if she falls sick I won’t be able to care or provide for her. I fear falling sick, getting injured at work, or that my anxiety, stress and depression will render me unable to work, or to be a burden to my mother in any other way, either caring for me or having to work.

I am angry at myself for all my past mistakes. I am angry that I let myself gain weight and now I feel that one of the few things I had going for me is gone. I am angry at myself for spending so much money and time in video games. I am angry at myself for spending so much money in food delivery during covid, more than anyone else I know. I am angry at myself for not doing what I said I was going to do 10 years ago, learn programming or learn to draw even as hobbies. I have to start now from zero and have a lot less time. I am angry at myself for comparing myself to other, and to continue doing so, because I know it makes things worse.

I am tired of everything.