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calmWatermelon413
2,464 M Hopeful Heart 4
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts405 Forum posts19 Forum upvotes48 Current upvotes48 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2023 Member sinceMay 29, 2022
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Tired Man Corner
Journals & Diaries / by calmWatermelon413
Last post
 June 19th, 2022
...See more I have been suffering from anxiety and other feelings for a while. I think keeping a diary might help me see how things progress if any. These are interlinked, in that I feel that my past mistakes make my present and future situation bleak, but I have tried to split them up so that it is easier to understand. I feel sadness and regret because I feel I have wasted a lot of time and money until now, and did not apply myself to develop a skill, to learn something in depth, or strengthen one of my weak-points such as maths, or apply myself in any other way that would have given me now a better chance or place in life. I feel loneliness because I don’t have more close friends, people that I can depend on if things become dire. It is just me. Also because I don’t have a significant other, and I don’t feel like I bring much to the table. A lot of the women around my age are in a batter place in life and most still want children, which I don’t, so I can’t find anyone. I feel fear and anxiety keenly, because I don’t feel like I have much control of the future. I feel unskilled and when I lose my current job I won’t have another income that will cover my mother’s needs. As an only child to single parent, the entire responsibility falls on me and I fear that if she falls sick I won’t be able to care or provide for her. I fear falling sick, getting injured at work, or that my anxiety, stress and depression will render me unable to work, or to be a burden to my mother in any other way, either caring for me or having to work. I am angry at myself for all my past mistakes. I am angry that I let myself gain weight and now I feel that one of the few things I had going for me is gone. I am angry at myself for spending so much money and time in video games. I am angry at myself for spending so much money in food delivery during covid, more than anyone else I know. I am angry at myself for not doing what I said I was going to do 10 years ago, learn programming or learn to draw even as hobbies. I have to start now from zero and have a lot less time. I am angry at myself for comparing myself to other, and to continue doing so, because I know it makes things worse. I am tired of everything.
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Just feel like quitting life.
35 & Over Community / by calmWatermelon413
Last post
 June 22nd, 2022
...See more I don't want to live like this: Worrying about the future, what will happen when I lose my job, how will I care for my mother. How will I find someone who likes me and can accept me with all my flaws. How can I make very good friends in a society that does not foster that (asian country, with strong family but not friendship ties). I just want someone to take over, to take lead and I can just be support. continue working my job then move to something lower when I lose my job, and stay out of the way. I don't like having to make the decisions but here I am, having to decide a dozen of things. And the one choice I want to take I cannot, because I must be here for my mother. I love her so much, she is such a wonderful person and has suffered so much, I just want to make that she is okay and when she needs help I can afford it. I wish I was rich, then I wouldn't have to worry. I know it is crazy to say this, and maybe a bit reductive, but money would solve all of my problems. It sounds simple, and yet so hard: If I was smart I could get another degree that is in high demand and get into that industry. But I am not smart, so I am stuck in this dead end job.
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Feeling like a failure because of my past, makes me anxious of the future.
Anxiety Support / by calmWatermelon413
Last post
 June 13th, 2022
...See more I feel that I have one duty in life, to care for my mother. But I didn't study hard and work hard, and played too hard. So now, at 40, I only have a little bit of money left, and I feel that I am in a dead end job with no skills, and most likely I won't be able to do my job in 5 or 10 years because of how physically intensive it is. So I need to pivot now to some other job, but with no skills is difficult. So i need to develop a skill, but I am not smart, so I don't know what I can pick up. And I need to figure it out soon and develop the skill before I am 45, before it is too late and un-hireable (my country has serious ageism problem). I feel like I am a massive screw up.
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