Thoughts on a Friendship Ending
So, a few minutes ago I broke up with someone who had been there for me through very difficult times. I have some issues that cause me to become overly attached, then very distant when I feel abandoned. Tonight I decided to let this person know I showed up in her life after disappearing again because I felt lonely, I thought things would've been better if I hadn't, and that I would be hiding the chat. She said "this back and forth isn't working for me. Wish you the best". That stung but I expected it. I was trying to break up with her essentially and it stung that she said so succinctly what I was trying to say.
Are my trust issues going to be worse? Maybe. There's a part of me that hurts but I mostly feel relief after deleting the chat and blocking her. My attachment to her wasn't helpful and since our time together here, we never had any meaningful conversations. It's ironic since she has a mental illness where splitting is so common in views of people, and has admitted feeling a lack of interest in our friendship before too. At least I know that from all of this, people aren't always as they appear. That includes me, I guess. What I have noticed as well is that when you break up with someone, sometimes they'll want the last jab. I... can't say it doesn't bother me and that I'm not this way too. I can say that I'm learning and this friendship has taught me that ultimately, it's ok to let go of people. I spent days crying over this person, relapsed after we parted ways in 2018, then again late last year. All I ever wanted was for her to want to talk to me, as a friend. That seemed too much outside of this website. She was only interested in talking about her young child. That's fine because all I ever wanted to talk about were my problems. We had nothing in common.
I'll likely not befriend anyone several years older than me again, or someone who is at different points in life than me. Now I know how my brain responds to it (jealousy, anger, lashing out) and I know what is healthy and what isn't.
If I could say one thing to this person, it is that I hope no one ever abandons you in your time of need because they thought you weren't worth the emotional turmoil. I hope you understand the deep pain of abandonment even when it was foreseen. I'm sorry that you grew sick of me but I won't apologize for being in pain and for owning up to the reason I reached out to you. I won't apologize for the "back and forth" that you hate, that literally characterizes your mental illness but that no one in distress is immune to. Though I'm hurt, I won't cry for you. I understand your choice and I would've made the same - I did make the same. And I hope you will be ok in life, and that your children and husband will be well. I have grown up in the last 4 years, and sure quarantine has pushed me back into old habits as it has for a lot of people. I shouldn't need to defend myself. But hey, I'll give you more credit for saying to me what others couldn't so they ghosted me, and I'll give you credit for saying what I couldn't say to you.
The only lasting feeling I have from this breakup at this moment is relief. Relief that I no longer have to depend on you to soothe me. Relief that no one is perfect and some people just aren't meant to be friends. Relief that you cared for me when you did and relief that I'm finally free from one of the attachments that held me back. I can move forward now, thanks to you. It doesn't have to be a bitter ending. I can look back on the positives and remember those. Of course, the negatives will follow soon after. But I've got a great therapist who taught me "think of a positive memory and play it through and then pause". I won't fall into a depression over you. Not again. Not over anyone, if I can help it.
Next morning and immediately having thoughts of what happened, how things could've ended differently. I made the choice that I felt I needed to make. I've had to spend a few minutes telling myself that. Sometimes what is best for my mental health is doing what's incredibly painful at first but safer in there long run. Since I like to dwell, I'm going to have to throw myself into something productive and empowering like work or art. Just because someone decided I was too much for them after I expressed my desire to leave the rocky friendship doesn't mean I'm not worthy of self respect, self love, and good things. It is how she reacted and how she felt, and I can't change that. I can keep reminding myself that her, nor my, feelings don't equal facts. These intense emotions are a gift, she once said to me. I'm not going to hold onto the specific memory of her saying it to me, but others have said the same. The ability to walk away when I'm not being treated well is positive.
My brain wants me to keep finding "evidence" for justifying this. The evidence was in years of heartache and realization that neither of us was as invested in the friendship. Wherever she is, I hope she will be ok. Now it's time to shift focus onto making sure I'm ok today. There's much to do other than grieve the same friendship I've lost 3 times before.
Slight annoyance with myself and her. Not thinking of it as much. If anything, I want to move forward. She stopped caring about me so why am I holding onto her memory? It's better to let go. This is taking a physical toll on me though. I'm physically sick now, no appetite, fatigued and emotionally sicker. Distractions only last so long. When it's time to sleep, the imaginary conversations, the "I should've said this!", all of that comes back. Desire to self-reflect on why the relationship was so unstable. I reject people before they can reject me.
Some suggest learning to love my own company. Learn to enjoy being alone. Make a list of what I want in a friend. Make a list of my strengths. Make a list of my values in life. List after list after list. I'm not the only one who struggles with abandonment and rejection. You don't have to be mentally ill for that to hurt. It's how I handle it, though, and the intensity of it. Do I have more than depression and anxiety? I hope not. I think another diagnosis would wreck me. I'll be going on medication in the next month though.
Maybe then I won't be such a horrible person and I won't want others to feel the pain of what they did to me. Maybe that is truly what I need to make friends and keep them. Then I won't be so dramatic. People make me feel evil for having intense emotions. If meds is what I need to be normal, and these intense emotions are truly the nightmare I've always said they were, then fine. But I hate it when people say "you don't ever have to change" and then turn around and say you do. These thoughts are messy. I think I don't care anymore about it. I want to just lay in bed and wallow in my feelings. Sick of this life. I can't figure out what I possibly did to deserve it. I don't believe in past lives but this has me questioning it.
I'm upset that one person has sent me into the spiral of self-hate I was trying to avoid. Maybe time will make me forget. But whenever something like this happens, I think about other friends in school I lost. Those friends were vastly different than the people that have put up with me for years. One friend has been in and out of my life periodically for 14 years. Could the reason be because we don't talk as much anymore? I used to be jealous of her other friends when I was younger. I was able to grow out of that jealousy and I don't know how I did that. In other relationships, that jealousy took over and hate stepped in.
I remember being relieved when I sent this long confessional to my 14-year friend and she responded with empathy. I was feeling like a horrible friend and person. She went through every one of my points and laid out her thoughts on it. I think she is an example to follow but I don't know much about how her other friendships work now. She and I were speaking recently about her family. She has this wonderful internal glow about her that I can feel through a computer screen.
She has her faults though and I respect that she conducts herself in a manner that doesn't make her - or me - seem perfect. There's no idealization from either party. No phony love in order to boost my self-esteem or the other way around. No cold, distant behavior when she is in a mood. Understanding that my behavior when I'm in a mood isn't how I really feel about her all the time - understanding I've never asked for or expected. She just gave it out of the kindness of her heart. Each time she does that, I feel my icy heart thaw a little more hahah. We talk about misunderstandings and work through arguments without taking things too personally. That's the kind of friend I want and the kind of friend I want to be.