The Grove of a Spruce Tree 🌲

Please don't read this or reply...it's white for a reason

Oh my *** goshness, what is wrong with me??? ;-; I haven't felt this way since-since the accident...but nothing provoked this except for a stupid bl**d test :') I remember the accident as if it was yesterday...the fighting, crashing glass, the fear TwT When I thought school was a safe place...this incident had to happen...I was only 7, why??? But I think it was the similar shock...I wasn't expecting the needle to go in so deep...too deep :') But why did it cause such a fear like that? My mind is racing, and I can't stop shaking...why does this trauma have to stay with me...I want to me free from this never-ending fear...bl**d...scared *~* Why...why....why??? *hugs self tight* I couldn't tell anyone about it, not even my own parents...emotional neglect...fear...confusion...f-fear T-T T-they didn't care about me...not one bit...I had to take care of myself and learn how to deal with emotions...didn't care that I was suffering...bullying...slander...hate...unloved T-T Why can't I take care of myself this time? B-bl**d...scary...index cards...those stupid index cards...why did I have that vision? I-I don't know what do do...I'm going in and out of sanity, and I have no one...my friends will never understand...never understand the fear...I likely have ptsd, and no one even knows...and I probably also have bipolar because right now, I feel like I'm in a mania stage...irritated...hateful of everyone...lost trust...l-lost again TvT adksadjkslad, I hate thissssss *~T Wh-whyyyyy :') Everyone thinks I'm f-faking this...lying...but this is all too real...they don't even feel like my memories...I'm so scared T-T I just want to be with someone who cares...and I want to love someone more than a friend too...I want someone who I can cuddle with and feel safe in their arms :') Why does everyone have the fortune of meeting someone like that, and every person I had a relationship with- failed T-T This *** sucks so much :D I'm fricking terrified... *~* Panicking....can't breathe T_T

Breathe, damn it, breatheeee T_T You'll be fine - your mind is just racing, and you're not thinking straight. However, you're not alone...people care about you and love you...I'm proud of you for ranting, Spruce, because I'm sure it felt so good to get all that off your chest <3 You're a beautiful and lovely person who deserves more than this trauma and flashback stage. You can do this - just stay focus, and think positive thoughts, my dear. You will overcome this, no matter how long this takes <3 Even if people may not quite understand what you're going through, you have close friends on here who are listening and always thinking about you. You've never had these kinds of people before, but you found them now and they're here for you, okay(?) <3 *hugs you* I'm proud of you, my love.. <3

Just when I thought I was drowning, this song came on, and I was feeling a tiny bit better 😌 ❤️ Such a beautiful song that felt like a warm hug to me 🤗

----

Tw. mention of the word bl**d, even though I censored it (since the word triggers me too 😀)

What time is it? It's entry timeeeeee 😛

----

Okay, so today was honestly a strange day for me. :/ I woke up with yet *another* headache, but it wasn't as bad as yesterday's. I actually finished another assignment in the morning, which definitely boosted my mood! ❤️ I was spending a bit more time in the group chats than usual, since I did feel a little mentally unstable, but overall, I thought today would be a pretty good day..

And then the afternoon came around.. Out of the blue, my parents started arguing, but it affected me a little more than it should had. I started screaming at them to stop their bickering and settle this like normal human beings. 😀 Then, I stormed out of the living room and locked myself in my room for a few hours. I was actually surprised of how immature and ridiculous I was in handling the situation, but that didn't change the fact that being at home with my parents is getting harder and harder each day.. Eventually, as some of you may have noticed, after getting a bl**d test today, I had a panic attack that eventually evolved into a full breakdown, mainly due to pretty freakish memories that I was recalling. :') However, after around 20-30 minutes of visualization exercises and deep breathing, I was able to recover from my breakdown effectively. ❤️

But the thing is...why can't June come quicker? I just want to start my summer internship already so I don't have to deal with my parents for 8-9 hours each day. I'm also getting more and more excited to go back to school in-person because with all the arguing and tension at home, it's getting more difficult to focus on myself and my schoolwork. Thankfully, none of the schoolwork I do this year will count since credits from my online school can't transfer over to my old school, so I'll have to be in 11th grade *again*, but I honestly don't care. 😀

----

Okay, now it's me just ranting, so I'll leave it here for now. Have a good weekend everyone! ❤️❤️❤️

Happy Astronomy Dayyyyyyyyyyy! 🪐 🔭 (At least for people who are in the realm of May 7th 😛😛 If not, you have an extra day to celebrate it on my terms 😀)

Get those telescopes out, people, and be excited to learnnnnnnnn 🔭 🤗 ❤️

Here’s a fun fact for ya: The Moon is drifting away from Earth at a rate of 1.5 inches (3.8 cm) a year. 😮✨

———

Entry time, yet again 😀

———

I don’t really know what to make of today, to be honest.. 😀 I mean, I was pretty numb all day and just did too much reading. :/ But, at least I got the chance to unwind and get a break from my never-ending schoolwork. ❤️

My parents actually didn’t argue today, which is the first time in so long. At least there was peace in the house for once! 😌 ❤️

However, I feel really empty, and I don’t know why.. :’) I just don’t feel human *at all*, and it’s kind of irritating. I mean, I was energetic as per usual, but I didn’t really feel like *me*, ya know? It’s weird, I know, and I’m not really sure how to describe it. :/ It’s like my brain is in a complete fog, and all of the emotions completely escaped from me. Although, it is pretty good to get a break from emotions every once in a while, so I guess it’s a good thing (?) 😀

I’m sure that I’ll have a breakdown tomorrow though, since I feel like absolutely nothing today emotionally. :’) And my neuro condition really affected me today, so I couldn’t even walk :’/ And as I write, my stomach is in so much pain.. But I have no emotions right now, so I don’t even know how to feel about anything.

I guess I just need to hold on and hope for the best, right? This will pass, just like every phase, and I’ll get stronger after every challenge such as this. ❤️

———

I’ll leave it here, since I’m pretty tired :’) See you tomorrow, everyone! 👋❤️

^ Two beautiful quotes that made this day worth it 🥲 ❤️

Tw. hinting to the d**th of a loved one

I thought I would be fine—that’s what I’ve been telling everyone. Again, I’m questioning whether people *really* care, I don’t know.. I want to wash away this pain…the feelings of guilt and despair. I’m trying to be okay, but life just keeps telling me otherwise…my mom will never be okay, will never get better.. Mother’s Day just reminds me of that fact.. I’m just feeling trapped and numb again just like yesterday…but my feelings are starting to break through, and I just want to hide and cry my eyes out…but no tears are coming out.. I don’t want to hold onto these memories any longer…I don’t even feel like my age anymore, and it’s frustrating me…I’ve never even really grown up emotionally since the age of 7 (at least it feels that way)—it’s like my trauma is trapping me in that age, and also because I’ve never really had a childhood to begin with. So how in the world am I supposed to keep going if it feels like I can’t get out of my past.. I need to let go and keep going, but I’m not sure how.. I guess I just need to accept how I’m feeling, because at least then I’ll be able to figure out how to cope with my negative emotions. I know I’m so much stronger and I’ve come so far, but it feels like I’ve hit a road stop.. Will I ever be able to break down the mental block so I can keep growing and maturing? I’ll never know, but I gotta keep trying, if that’s the only purpose I have in life. I just have to.. ❤️✨

It’s reminder timeeeeee 🤗 ❤️

✨ Tagging my friendsies: @Angelx28 @Sunisshiningandsoareyou @emotionalTalker2260 @Everlee @coldbreeze00 @mytwistedsoul @fearfearfear @BookishBlue13 @AGuardianAngel @Wheeki16 @CallMeScott @JennyINFP @SystemFireSkye @CupoSad076 @DonaldDraper @FreddieOnyx @jv13076 @BlueDarkAurora @TryingTBH2021 @taylorhugs12 @elli025 ✨

Here we are with another entryyyyyy 😌✨

———

Today was not such a bad day overall, even though the first half of the day was pretty awful. 😀

Tw. Mention of the possible d**th of a loved one (up to the upcoming line)

As many of you can tell, Mother’s Day is just not my kind of day.. With my mom’s progressively-worsening illness, it’s hard for me to think positively on a day like this- when we’re supposed to honor our mothers and cherish them. She doesn’t have much time to live, so it’s so difficult to be optimistic, if you know what I mean.. 🥲

-Tw ends here-

Other than that, my day wasn’t too bad! I was able to get yet another break from my schoolwork, so I was able to spend most of the day taking care of myself (which did include being on this site more often than usual just so I can successfully distract myself from my thoughts 😀). I may have had too much sugar in the afternoon, of course resulting in a sugar rush, but I used my energy to run a few laps around my neighborhood block, which was awesomeeeee 😛 No one really knows this on here, but running is definitely my favorite outdoor activity - the adrenaline rush is incomparably amazing ✌️😌✨

Right now, I’m just hoping I’ll be able to sleep, because I want to start the week right 🙏 I need to catch up on my assignments and other work that I need to do, so that’s what my goal is- to be more productive 😀 I have a feeling this week is going to be a good week, to be honest, which is so surprising given the recent events. But I’m going to be optimistic, and clearly I’m not numb anymore so I’ll actually have ✨motivation✨ 😛 Let this week be the best one ❤️❤️

———

Okay, so I’m going to stop here so I can get some sleep. Goodnight, and love ya allllllllll ❤️❤️❤️❤️✨

(*realized that I wasn't so active in my grove today* 😮)

Hey hey, everyone! It's entry time againnnnnn 🤗

----

Today was actually suchhhh an amazing day! I felt like I had more energy than usual, and I was more optimistic about everythinggggg. It was a total transformation, and I can't even believe it. That explains why I wasn't on too much today - I was able to catch up on just about all of my schoolwork, and I even exercised more than I usually do. The motivation level was over the top, and it was absolutely fantastic!

Even though there were a lot of arguments between my parents, I was able to block them out! I didn't let anything stop me from feeling so positive, and just so happy. I hope that this behavior lasts longer than it usually tends to last, because that would mean that I can get my schoolwork done for once, and make myself time to do my more important work for the university robotics group! I didn't get to do any of that yet, but if this lasts, I'll be able to definitely do it. 😌✨

I feel more confident than I've felt in sooooooo long, omg, and I'm so proud of myself for not letting the little things bother me. I feel more mindful of the present, and didn't worry about the future as I normally would. Things were peaceful, and I want them to stay that way (even though it's not typically possible, but I won't bring down the mood 😀).

----

Since I don't have really much to talk about, I'll stop here. Take good care everyone, and love you all soooooo much 🤗 ❤️❤️❤️