The BPD, Drugs and Love

So it’s been a while since I was on here and I think since I’ve been dating who I am some of my symptoms are getting worse. Along with who this mysterious person is, they treat me so nicely and I’m not used to this by any means. They also smoke weed on the occasion, well a lot, few times a week, and I’ve recently asked them if I can try it too, which I did and I hate to admit the years I talked trash about this stuff, because it feels amazing being in that high. I feel like I can live and breathe and the next few days after it I feel good too! Some of my friends don’t like them because of this and my friends all say that they’re making me worse, but I swear they’re helping! I don’t like most of my friends, they’re all snobby and rude, I just want my little group of four, my double dates (as I call two of them). They’re all so funny and cool and they actually care and they understand how I am and do their best to help out even when I feel that I can’t trust anyone. It sucks because my best friend hates my boyfriend and they hate her too. Recently their ex walked in the school bathroom right after I got high in there too and told the office they were smoking pot, which yes and no, but they also had a vape on themselves so they got suspended. I thought them just turning 18 will be a good thing but it’s been nothing but misery for them this whole week. They’re still being really sweet with me even though I keep messing up. But because of this, their father took their phone so we can’t talk or see each other for days and it’s really messing with me. I want to learn how to cope on my own without needing them here, but I can’t help but to mirror and feel the need of my FP and they feel like my one and only purpose in my life. It’s not healthy and I know, I want to get better, I really do but I’ve been like this for years upon years and I can’t see my life being different and the only time when I’m okay is when I’m high on their bedroom floor with them.