Residue Diaries
Entry one
Hello.
I wanted a space where I could share my deeper thoughts. This entry is part reflection, part bitter, dark rant, so read at your own risk. ^^ You can respond if you wish but please be respectful.
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I actually used to go by another name on here, but left for a while since this place wasn't doing me any good. At that time I was an angry, resentful person that just wanted to snap at anyone who even tried reaching out to me. I still have that part of me inside, but it's fighting the "better" parts of me that are trying to break through.
I think the biggest reasons why I was getting irritated at others was because I was getting so tired of people telling me that they understood me. That they understood my depression, my anxiety, the situation I was going through, my feelings. But the truth is that nobody is ever going to be able to truly understand another person's pain or experiences. They can only come close to understanding. For many people it is a comfort and joy to hear other people say they understand, but to me, it just made me more angry and resentful. It had the opposite effect. After all, weren't they just spouting empty platitudes that people like to repost with a pretty picture on Facebook?
Upon reflecting, I am still unsure as to why I have such a bad reaction. After all, people are only trying to connect with me, show empathy. Isn't that a good thing?
Perhaps the real reason is my lack of trust in others. I have had so few examples in my life of truly good people. I've seen betrayal way too many times run through my family, friends one minute, enemies the next. Anger, yelling, arguments, misunderstandings, hatred. That's the environment I grew up in. I've watched hopelessly as both my mother and sister let terrible men treat them like trash. Men they thought were good. I've watched my mother get walked all over and stolen from by people she was truly kind to.
All of this has caused me to wonder what is there to trust in someone else? Why should I trust people that I don't know over the internet if I can't even trust people I see in the flesh? Why should I trust you? What have you to say?
I've talked to a therapist about this and they suggested that this type of 'rejection' behavior may stem from my low self-esteem and past depression. My mind is so hard-wired to see bad, to see people as a threat. It cannot fathom the possibility that things can be good, that people can be truly good to me. If they're too good, then it will ultimately turn bad. Because to my mind, most things are bad, good things don't last. I'm so used to seeing in a negative lens, that whenever I try to see through to the light, that positive lens, my brain resists, it rejects. Because it doesn't have an alternative pathway to follow. It only knows the negative. Perhaps one day that will change.
I can't really give a full explanation as to why I decided to come back to this site. Perhaps it's that sliver of "positive me" that nudged me to do it. Or perhaps I remembered it was a good place to rant and throw words out into the void. Either way, let's see where I go from here.
Thank you for sharing this with us here.
Entry two
It's currently snowing outside and I guess I didn't get the memo it was going to!
It's kind of nice for a change. I'm one of those weird people who generally like the snow, and I especially like seeing it snow in the actual wintertime, versus being abnormally warm like it had been in previous years here. Although, I am kind of bummed I can't take a nice walk at the nature center. But I'm trying to supplement that with home exercises, which I already did some of this morning.
Today's my day off and I'm trying to get organized. I have a really big problem with organizing and spending my time wisely. I think it's because I want to do things right the first time, and so that makes me overthink things and instead of just going and doing them and not thinking about the "right" outcome, I just hesitate. So many opportunities pass me by that way. It's something that I am making SOME progress in, but it's slow going.
I think my biggest thing is getting myself out of my comfort zone. Because while the comfort zone is "comfortable" (duh), it's not a place I was really meant to be. I'm a person that prefers being out and doing lots of things. I'm NOT a homebody by any means and enjoy travel and doing work outdoors. Despite my love of these kinds of things, my hesitation seems to be keeping me right where I am. My doubts, my fears. I need to get over them.
Entry three
It's been a while, but I've never been much for consistent journaling.
I've been noticing recently that it's such a struggle for me to keep in the present time mindfully. Whenever I try to not do anything in particular, my mind immediately goes and thinks about some random incident that happened in the past, most often a negative thing. It's such an automatic thing, like my mind is addicted to distress and suffering. I'll just have to keep practising.
Anyway, I've been at my new job for about a week. A lot of standing by time right now, but I'm okay with that. Gives me more time to adjust to this very new surrounding. I set up a nice desk and chair space in my room so that my only place to sit is no longer the airbed where I tend to slouch. I mean, I slouch also on chairs, but it's never as bad.
Entry four
It's been a long time but I have some thoughts so here I go.
I've been thinking a bit lately about what it means to have low self-esteem. Of course most of it is very detrimental to my mental health, as well as my social skills. But I've come to realize that at very specific instances...my low self-esteem can be considered an ally of sorts.
For instance, whenever I'm online I see so much nastiness from others. Cruelty has never been anything new. Humans have been cruel to each other since the beginning of our existence, but the biggest difference is that now cruelty has a stage: the internet. Where I'm going with this is that if there is one thing that low-self esteem has helped me with, it's being able to not get (as) hurt by another person's cruel words. Because chances are those rude, hateful comments they've spoken to me were already words I have spoken to myself at one point in time. Like, you think I look ugly? Think I'm stupid? Girl me too! Think I should j*mp off a bridge? I've already contemplated it a time or two, next.
Although I definitely do NOT have ideation anymore, I feel like my low self-esteem is something so ingrained in my being that it's something I don't consciously think about anymore. My brain is trained in the negative, the little hate speeches I give myself after I've come back from a social event, the shame I feel whenever I'm out in public by myself because I think I look like a disgusting human being. The unworthiness that I can't rub off. It's constantly with me in the back of my mind. It strikes so quickly my brain barely has time to register and try to steer it away with a STOP.
But at least it unintentionally makes me not take another person's cruel words too much to heart. Because their words? I've already thought of them before. They're nothing new. At least low self-esteem has given me that. It's twisted, I know. But that's how it is at the moment, and it's my burden to bear.
Entry five
Hello there! 🍂🍁
I can say I am in a much better headspace recently than I have for previous posts, although I have been slipping a bit more into low periods this month. It's mostly when I'm at home, where I am free to ruminate all I want about past mistakes and what not that happened several years ago.
When you're in a case of large emotional distress, I think it's hard for some people to understand just how difficult it is to come out of it. It's not just a matter of yelling STOP in your head (at least not in mine) and orient your mind to something positive and you start to feel better. Oftentimes the only way to get out of emotional distress is to let it continue. Make myself a bit more comfortable, or move around the room, but let it happen all the same. Because eventually it simmers down. Eventually the memories fade back into my mind and the tears of frustration dry.
Of course, when you're around other people it's incredibly awkward. Because of course they're expecting you to get rid of the distress immediately. Well, unfortunately I haven't yet figured out how to do that yet, but I am working on it.
