cafedaydreams Member Profile

Speaking Impulsively

ADHD Support / by cafedaydreams

November 6th

New Relationship Anxieties

Anxiety Support / by cafedaydreams

May 11th

...See more Hello all, just felt like rambling here about some new anxieties. So I recently got into a new romantic relationship with a man and while I am over the moon about it, I've been struggling keeping my overanxious and insecure thoughts in check. I do have plenty of positives to report though. Like the fact that I told him a bit about my anxiety very early on, and about how I sometimes get catastrophic thoughts such as him thinking me annoying and all of a sudden never wanting to speak to me again (he then seemed to assure me that wouldn't be the case). What's most encouraging is the fact that we've had a few honest conversations already, like the fact that it's been a long time that either one of us has been in a relationship, so he has said he may fumble and be a bit awkward at times. I said something similar and that we can figure it out together. I even went so far to apologize to him about how awkward I can be and that eventually I'll get over that, but he said something along the lines of he knows what he's getting into. I think that the biggest anxiety I have right now is figuring out our texting habits together. See, he's not really that big of a texter, and even his best friend and family have said so. When we first started texting, there would often be long stretches of time between texts, and sometimes he'd send maybe a few words here and there. He's also not one for good morning/good night texts either, but he does send some texts asking how my day is going if he knows I am at some event or training for work. I am also completely fine that he's not a texter. Actually, it makes me feel more comfortable because now I don't feel as much pressure to "keep the conversation going" or try to say the "perfect" thing. He has also admitted to me that he's glad that I don't seem bothered by him not responding right away or texting very frequently. It can sometimes even come down to him not hearing the notification in his pocket, or his phone being in another room or far away when he's working at home. The problem is that my anxious brain seems to not like that at all...and that can be frustrating for me to handle. Like earlier today I sent him a picture of something low key and random and he responded in one of his usual shorter texts, which he has done several times before. My anxious brain KNOWS this. It KNOWS that he's completely different when we interact in other ways that is not texting. It KNOWS that when we talk face to face we joke and blabber on and on together like a couple of nerds (LOL ). It KNOWS that he's very affectionate towards me. But still, my anxious brain still wants to nudge me into thinking that his response meant something else, that maybe he's actually irritated that I sent him a picture. My anxiety latches onto that and creates even more catastrophes, like saying he's finally had enough of me and I need to be on edge because any second he's gonna send a text saying that we're done and he never wants to speak to me again! It's quite frankly super exhausting, but I feel like I'm getting a little better at handling it now than I was in the beginning (I was a complete mess in the beginning and would be near hyperventilation before somehow mentally slapping some sense into myself). Not only that, but the anxiety feeds my overthinking brain with questions. Have I been texting enough? Is it too much? Am I saying the right things? It seems to all come down with me thinking that I'm not "saying the right things". Does he know I care about him? How do I show him more? *sigh* Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest somewhere so why not here? There really isn't any problem here, it's just my anxiety thinking that everything is a problem apparently. 😒 Any advice on cultivating a healthy relationship is appreciated, because this relationship is definitely a lot different than my past ones (which is a whole other thread topic itself lol)!

Mattering to others

Trauma Support / by cafedaydreams

September 26th, 2023

All the rage, and not wanting to be around people

Depression Support / by cafedaydreams

July 2nd, 2023

...See more Hey everyone. So this is something that has been bothering me for a while. I am very aware that I might not find much help on this site and I just need to go to an actual professional, but until I do, I'd just like to rant about it some. So I think this started around summer of 2020. I was working a seasonal job. The job was cool, and my boss was a really cool guy. However, my co-worker was not. She was obnoxious and rude to me pretty much the entire time we were working (and living) together for the season. What's worse about all this is that since I lacked a lot of confidence in myself at that time, and I was a people pleaser, I let her get away with her bad behavior and was always afraid to tell her off even if she was clearly in the wrong. But that began a major shift. I feel like that was the point where my mind couldn't take it anymore not standing up for myself. After all, I never stood up for myself in school. I was always afraid to. After the job ended and I went back home, I felt all of these feelings of rage just pour out of me. Some of this rage was at the co-worker but most of it was actually aimed at myself. At my inability to stand up for myself, at my lack of confidence. And although the pandemic starting that year wasn't necessarily a 'cause' of my continued feelings of rage, it definitely didn't help. I began to notice just how awful other people can be to others. I hated hearing about bad behavior in the news. I hated how some people had the actual nerve to use "pandemic stress" as an excuse for their bad behavior towards others. I was just supposed to sit there at take it? Absolutely not. So that just made me MORE angry, which of course fueled my automatic negative thinking patterns. None of this of course was good for my periodic depression. Anyway, fast forward to now, and although the rage has stopped pouring out of me and I've grown a bit more in standing up for myself and others, It's still been difficult for me to go out in public and not be a little grumpy when I'm around other people. I don't want to make eye contact, don't want to talk to anyone else. I just want to run my errands and leave. I still expect the absolute worst in other people, constantly on the defensive if someone even tries talking to me. It's even affected my ability to look for romantic relationships because I am constantly thinking that the men I meet are going to make fun of me if I let them know they're attractive (listen I KNOW this is a very silly thing to think but for some reason my mind keeps bringing that up and won't stop) so I just don't even bother trying to meet them. It's not all hopeless, though. There have been many good exceptions. The job I have now is very nice. I like my co-workers, and have even gone to a few events in the new town that I live in. I have had a few pleasant conversations with strangers in stores (with them always being the one to reach out first because like I'd actually dare lol). However, I still feel like I am continuing to withdraw a little from society. I feel like my heart has gotten colder these last couple of years and I really don't like it. I do have medication to take for depression, but that only helps so much you know? Anyway, if you've read all the way to the bottom thanks! Like I said I just need to rant so you don't need to respond or anything unless you want to.

A different way of thinking

ADHD Support / by cafedaydreams

June 8th, 2023

The opposite of hustle culture

Mindfulness Center / by cafedaydreams

November 13th, 2021

GRE Preparation Help Wanted

Student Support / by cafedaydreams

March 10th, 2021

Residue Diaries

Journals & Diaries / by cafedaydreams

November 26th, 2022

...See more Entry one Hello. I wanted a space where I could share my deeper thoughts. This entry is part reflection, part bitter, dark rant, so read at your own risk. ^^ You can respond if you wish but please be respectful. -- I actually used to go by another name on here, but left for a while since this place wasn't doing me any good. At that time I was an angry, resentful person that just wanted to snap at anyone who even tried reaching out to me. I still have that part of me inside, but it's fighting the "better" parts of me that are trying to break through. I think the biggest reasons why I was getting irritated at others was because I was getting so tired of people telling me that they understood me. That they understood my depression, my anxiety, the situation I was going through, my feelings. But the truth is that nobody is ever going to be able to truly understand another person's pain or experiences. They can only come close to understanding. For many people it is a comfort and joy to hear other people say they understand, but to me, it just made me more angry and resentful. It had the opposite effect. After all, weren't they just spouting empty platitudes that people like to repost with a pretty picture on Facebook? Upon reflecting, I am still unsure as to why I have such a bad reaction. After all, people are only trying to connect with me, show empathy. Isn't that a good thing? Perhaps the real reason is my lack of trust in others. I have had so few examples in my life of truly good people. I've seen betrayal way too many times run through my family, friends one minute, enemies the next. Anger, yelling, arguments, misunderstandings, hatred. That's the environment I grew up in. I've watched hopelessly as both my mother and sister let terrible men treat them like trash. Men they thought were good. I've watched my mother get walked all over and stolen from by people she was truly kind to. All of this has caused me to wonder what is there to trust in someone else? Why should I trust people that I don't know over the internet if I can't even trust people I see in the flesh? Why should I trust you? What have you to say? I've talked to a therapist about this and they suggested that this type of 'rejection' behavior may stem from my low self-esteem and past depression. My mind is so hard-wired to see bad, to see people as a threat. It cannot fathom the possibility that things can be good, that people can be truly good to me. If they're too good, then it will ultimately turn bad. Because to my mind, most things are bad, good things don't last. I'm so used to seeing in a negative lens, that whenever I try to see through to the light, that positive lens, my brain resists, it rejects. Because it doesn't have an alternative pathway to follow. It only knows the negative. Perhaps one day that will change. I can't really give a full explanation as to why I decided to come back to this site. Perhaps it's that sliver of "positive me" that nudged me to do it. Or perhaps I remembered it was a good place to rant and throw words out into the void. Either way, let's see where I go from here.

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