No way to prevent a bad reaction
My mother is very anxious. I have a lot of anxiety too, but our experiences are not always the same. I feel like conversations are often a minefield. Not always. Sometimes it's just relaxed and fun. But it's often the minefield situation.
Today's example: she told me something that happened and I had a thought about it(not about her, but something about the situation that could be worried about). I didn't think it was helpful, so I didn't offer it, but I did think it. She continued to bring it up and I think actually asked me what I thought about it, so I had to say the thing or lie.
We separated and during that time, I worried about what hours of conversation about the concern I was going to cause by saying it. Turns out that this time, we did talk about it a little more and it seems to be okay. But that is not always the case. We can get in bad arguments about things like this and have long crises of worry about things like this. And I feel like there's no way to prevent it. She brings up a topic and I'm at the mercy of her reaction to it. I wonder what is this and is it unusual?
If it seems odd that I'm bringing this up after an incident that didn't turn out badly, it's because I've been thinking a lot about things like this lately and I've been waiting for both a clear thought and enough time to write freely to come together. I want to start using this journal thing more.
@YellowComfort
Hi! Good to hear it turns out OK sometimes. I think it is good you are aware and reflecting on these things. That is the first step to working them out. Is she taking things personally, getting offended at your response? It can take some effort to change how we communicate with parents, because we are in patterns that they started when we were born and when we try to change it can be a shock to them. It helps me if my children are as honest and gentle as possible, and say something like "I really love you and want to talk honestly but don't want to cause an argument or upset you. Would now be a good time for you to hear me?" But we are all different. She might have issues that make it hard for her to hear you. 💛
@VioletSpringGlade Thank you for your input. It is very emotional reactions to things, getting upset about me or me saying something that starts an anxious thought. Sometimes it is talking about the upsetting thing and the same arguments about the thing over and over which puts me in painful or awkward positions trying to think of something useful and honest to say without causing a problem. I have tried some new and I think more supportive ways of approaching things lately. And today something like this happened and it seemed hairy, but we finally figured something out because new things actually got said and everything came together for me to say why I had the thoughts about it that I did.
@YellowComfort
It sure takes practise! And it can be harder with family, as we have a history of experiences we might not have recovered from. And sometimes the other person will never change and we have to accept that and not blame ourselves. I don't know if you are doing that or not, but sometimes we can go too far with perfectionism and feeling over-responsible for how the other person reacts. I have found NVC principles helpful (nonviolent communication, there is a book by Rosenberg), and also limiting contact in some circumstances, and encouraging them to find someone else to talk to. But it sounds like you both want to continue the relationship and it isn't actually abusive or harming you?
It sounds like you are approaching this with care and thought. Family counselling/therapy can also be really helpful with things like this, if she would be willing to go?
@VioletSpringGlade Thank you. I will look into that book. I honestly don't know what's going on, whether this is an abusive relationship or there's just a lot going on here with both of us. I'm trying to find some help, but I don't have much money, so I keep getting turned down. I just made another call to try to get some help and I'm waiting on a call back.
@YellowComfort
It can be really hard to recognise abuse when it has been present since birth. There are some good articles online about emotional abuse, with lists of signs. It can be anywhere from severe to mild, and doesn't have to be intentional or even conscious. But yes sometimes there is just a lot going on! Definitely keep trying to find help, sometimes there is excellent free support/counsellors around, but finding the right person for you can take time/persistence.
