My usual life

I wake up in the morning.

I get ready asap and run to reach there.

I get at least 5-10 min late every day.

I ask may I come in, sir?

He nods his face vertically. I hope thats an approval.

He didnt look at me though. He never looks at me, as if I dont exist at all.

I sit in my place and follow what hes saying. I do have concentration problems. I cant concentrate more than 30 min, but I always try my best to stay attentive.

I cant see the blackboard. The guys in front of me are so tall. I kept jumping from my place; its weird that he didnt notice me.

However I got distracted. I daydream of a better happy life. Its so beautiful; I cant believe Im happy at least in my dream life.

Suddenly I SMILE UNKNOWINGLY.

Suddenly he calls out my name and he asks me to stand up.

Everyones looking at me. My heart is racing, I think. My hands are cold, so are my feet. My legs are shivering. I managed to stand up though.

He asks me if I did homework. Why is this happening all of a sudden? i thought he didnt even notice me. Okay, but i didnt do homework. Everyone else did. If I tell him that, hed ask me why I didnt do it. I have no answer for that.

I told him that I did the homework but I forgot to bring my homework notebook. He said that I gave him the same answer when he asked me same question previously. Right! I forgot.

I chose to stay quiet now. He checked if I brought the textbook from which the homework was given. I did bring the textbook. He asked me show that book. Everyone in my class tick off the bullets in textbook after answering/solving it. I didnt. As soon as he saw my textbook, he threw it away and he said that it was never used before. I still didnt say anything. Hes looking at me like how people look at something they hate. Like how a person who hates lizards says eww, lizards. Like how a person looks at another whom he thinks is worthless. Like how racists looks at ugly people. Like how a rich person treats a poor one.

He continued, What the hell do you think you are doing? Do you think you can make a fool out of me? You are making a fool of yourself. If you dont want the classes, why do you even come here? To sit here and keep smiling? Why dont you just get out of here? What can you even do other than sitting and smiling here? You are such a disgrace to this place. Sit down now. Its such a waste of time to talk to you.

Oh my god! I wish Id done the homework. Everyones still looking at me. I noticed a guy is laughing at me. At me? No, I think Im overthinking this, but why would he laugh when everyones expressions are so serious?

Everyone turned their heads away when I sat down. I didnt notice my heart raced too fast that it relaxed when i sat down but I dont know why my head is kind of heavy.

Should I say whatever he just said to me is hurtful? Its okay, i didnt feel anything anyway. I faced these kinds of situations earlier. Every time, I dont feel anything. Its just that my body disapproves of it by showing signs like heart racing, me feeling colder, brain getting heavier etc.

The class ends. Time to attend another class. What just happened was kind of serious, I think. All of them are behaving as if nothing happened. Am I overthinking it again? I better forget it.

Everyones talking. Not to me. They are talking to their friends. Suddenly, one of them shouts, the worst part is this lady doesnt even care no matter how many times that guy screws her up. Other shouts back, the best part is she doesnt care.

Umm, is feeling numb means not caring about it? I think so. After all, they all feel something when they get screwed. I didnt feel anything. What kind of human, am I?

Next class starts, this guy ignores me too. Every teacher ignores me. Stop it. Enough. Im not the only student in here to get noticed all the time. As the class goes on, I lose my concentration again and this time I didnt daydream. Instead, I replaying what happened in the first class, in front of me.

What am I doing? Concentrate dude. Whats done is done. Its hard. Im trying.

Stop stop stop. Why am I not able to convince my brain to stop replaying his words? What happened is actually not a big deal!

All classes ended. Time to go home. Ah, I reached. Let me fresh up.

Whats going on? Im so hungry all of a sudden. But i ate over there. Whatever, let me eat something. I finished a bowl of pasta and a pizza. Crap, Im still hungry. Nothing else was cooked. Do we have bread? Ah, thanks to my dad, he already bought one loaf and left it for me since he knew Ill ask for it. Wohoo, I have nutella too. I started eating the loaf of bread. I am still eating it. This will end my hunger. I reach for another slice, and its already done. What? How is that possible? Usually 4 slices are a lot for me. Now I ate the whole loaf? And yet, Im still hungry? What is wrong with me?

Okay, let dad come home. Ill ask him to make something for me.

Hey dad! You came home. Can you get me something? Im really hungry.

Ah! He got five chocolates. These are actually too much dad. One is enough. Anyway, thanks.

Woah, i ate all five. Yet, Im still hungry. I should see a doctor. This is not normal.

Anyway, lets do homework. I started. Hours are passing away but the homework is just not finishing. Concentration is ditching me but not what happened in the class. Google must have some solution to this.

Im so hungry today and also feeling kinda numb. What do I do?

The search results have one common word--- Psychology.

Okay, lets go with the first one. So much is written in this. Scroll down. I read that people who feel numb often self-harm.

Thats right! So this is what Im missing. Its been a long time since I made cuts. I discontinued not because I didnt enjoy self-harm but because i lost my favourite knife. Its short and really sharp. It makes a lot of blood come out and that made me feel so better. But now what?

Let dad fall asleep, I can grab a vegetable knife. Thank gosh, he is sleeping peacefully. Ah-hah! The vegetable knife is quite big. Lets go make some amazing cuts. Okay, so here i am. Apply pressure and then slide the sharp side on skin to see some blood. Done. What? Wheres blood?

Maybe I didnt do it well. Let me do it again. Again. Again. Again. FUCK MY LIFE! This knife is not sharp at all. But his words came back to my mind. They are still playing in my head.

SHUT THE HELL UP DUDE. JUST GO SLEEP.

I cant sleep. Just try. Mom says you will eventually fall into sleep if you close your eyes. Mhmm, eyes closed. Its not happening at all. Hours are passing away. Its early morning already. Okay, now at least I feel drowsy. Oh yes, way to go. Im finally sleeping. Hes back into my dreams again. Hes saying the same words again. Okay, okay, I know how to take a diversion. Look around. Oh, thats where my crush is sitting. Hes not looking at me. I guess he knows how I behave when everyone looks at me. Anyway, I remember talking to him on the other day. He was so sweet, nice, kind..........

I wake up in the morning.

I get ready asap to reach there.

I get at least 5-10 minutes late every day................