My online diary (trigger warning)
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Monday, 7 December, 2020
written from 12:45 am - 1:38 am
Things have sucked. But I think they're getting better? I don't know...
I've been a bit more productive sometimes i guess. Like, I've been trying to get my schoolwork done more on time and I've been writing music and singing more. I haven't been dancing as much as I should be, but I'm trying. I don't have a lot of energy for it at the moment. I feel bad though because even though I don't have the energy and I'm exhausted I should still be practicing, right? I'm almost 15 and I can barely dance and I wanna be an idol. Ironic huh? Idk. I started dancing almost a year ago and had to stop when covid started because my studio was small and had to completely close. So there went dance lessons. And I can't really learn much from the internet because I have limited space, a lot of other things I have to do, and it's not as interactive for me. I need to be able to have real time instruction and correction and stuff, too. So yeah, dance has been really hard. I am almost finished learning the choreography for "Don't Know What To Do" by BlackPink for my auditions though, so that's good. Now I just need to figure out a song to sing and likely something to rap as well. I have it narrowed down to a few songs:
"Way I Am" - Anna Blue & Damien Dawn
"Perfect Places" - Lorde
"Dear Society" - Madison Beer
Those are really some of the only songs I can decently sing and can use for an audition. I'm probably just going to do "Way I Am" and do a few things from Hamilton of English versions of a few kpop raps for the rap portion of things. Idk, at least I'm getting things finalized and stuff for this, I have to send these in soon. Like, by soon I mean in two weeks lmao. I gotta practice everything, record everything and do headshots and stuff either this weekend or next weekend. I hope one of my friends is available and able to, considering the state of the world.
I really hope things go as planned
I also really hope that I'll be more okay soon. I can't stand hating myself and I can't stand being so lonely and anxious and depressed and tired. I need energy. I need happy. I need nice. I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying as hard as I can to try as hard as I can. I really hope things all turn out happy soon. I hope that my dreams start being realized soon.
I need this to happen. I need to be happier. I need to heal. I need to pass. I need to go to Seoul. I need this. This is what I'm living for. It most likely won't be first try, but I'll keep trying and I'll keep trying and I'll keep trying until I do make it.
That's all for now. Until next time, with love
Blessed Be
-Akira
Monday, 7 December, 2020
written from 4:11 pm - 4:15 pm
I'm so tired. Like, my entire being is just
T I R E D *cue jazz hands*
I've been working basically all day to try and get my missing work done and to work on music and stuff and I'm so tireeeeeeeeeddddddd I can't work anymore but i have tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I hate it.
Honestly, I wish people were more understanding of the fact that I have mental illnesses and a million responsibilities
That's all
-Akira
Sunday, 13 December, 2020
written from 11:07 pm - 11:13 pm
I ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's dairy free chocolate fudge brownie ice cream so I feel sick. Why can't I seem to get my eating habits under control?? I guess it's been getting kind of better though. Idk
Atm I'm working on music for my band. Honestly I should also be working on schoolwork but honestly it's not a lot and I can get it done relatively quickly later
I also got myself into Christmas Crisis™. Why do I have to be such a people pleaser?????????????????????????? At least the cookies and lumpia part of everything will be easy to do, since I can actually bake/cook. The presents though... I don't exactly have the money or skills for them.... and I promised gifts to like 20 people..................................
That's all for right now
With love
-Akira
31 December 2020
written from 10:47 pm - 10:49 pm
I AM SO HAPPY THIS GODFORSAKEN S***HOLE OF A YEAR IS OVER WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll write out my new years resolutions either later or tomorrow.
That's all for right now lol
With love, blessed be
-Akira
2 March 2021
written 10:53 pm - 11:19 pm
tw: sex, dieting (sort of)
Sorry for not writing for a while. Not a lot has been going on in my life lately.
Things are starting to look kind of up again, so that's good! I'm trying to get my sleep schedule back on track (go to sleep at a decent time and wake up at 5:00 am), get a lot of schoolwork done, study, meditate & do tarot every morning... I'm basically trying to develop a better routine and to get school stuff done.
I've started journaling sort of. Like, I have a monthly bullet journal thing now, I have one of those 5 year memory journals, and I'm starting my manifesting/shifting journey. I've also been researching paganism & witchcraft, the laws of the Universe, and other things like that. It's really nice when I do get the chance to journal or to research.
I've also started dieting again, as well as doing workout challenges. Currently, I'm just trying to get my body used to smaller portions and little-no snacks again, which has been kinda hard but also kinda easy. I'm also on day 3 of Chloe Ting's 2019 (2) week shred challenge as of tomorrow. It's surprisingly easier than I remember.. May just be the fact that the first time I did it I had just started working out and stuff so... it's kinda been on and off since, but I'm going to do my best to actually stay committed to working out and dancing and eating healthy
Speaking of dance, I'm currently trying to learn Soyeon's parts for (G)I-DLE's "Oh My God." It's difficult to dance in general seeing as I don't have a ton of space in my room to work with, and I don't have a big mirror or anything to see what I need to correct. I hate recording myself dancing, especially because my room's so small and I have so little experience, so that's usually out of the question. My dancing is better than my singing, though, and people tell me I have a natural gift for it, so... idk. It's easy but kinda hard cause I don't have a ton of space or experience or anything...
Oh, my birthday was on Saturday (the 27th). I'm 15 now!!
My birthday was kinda interesting tbh. I won't go into full detail cause most of the time we were a chaotic mess and stuff. However, two of the people I had over (both of which I've dated before. The other friend I had over and I don't have any history like that lol), at some point decided it would be funny to make my bottom ass extremely flustered by pinning me to the wall, grabbing my neck and butt, pulling me into my closet to kiss me, etc.. I was very flustered but it was pretty funny looking back. (friend that wasn't doing this was just enjoying the show and laughing their ass off with my other two friends)
I honestly probably shouldn't even be writing this bit but whatever. So one of the friends I have been with and then the friend I haven't been with had a sleepover (other friend went home cause parents). I think it was around one in the morning and L (friend i've been with) and I were still awake and they were kinda upset cause of some personal issues so we were cuddling and one thing led to another and yeah... it was nice, we had fun, we both felt a little better (cause I had been pretty upset with something too)
I honestly don't know what else to say. It's late, I'm tired, not much besides all that stuff has happened since I've last written...
With love, blessed be
-Akira
