My heart is broken
I am feeling so very alone. I feel betrayed. I feel unloved, misunderstood and possibly unloveable. I am confused. My sister and my niece have cut me from their lives. It's so sudden but it isn't. I felt the tension. I've asked. I've tried. I feel rejected.
I would have died for them. They mean everything to me. They are my family. I thought they loved me. Not only do they not love me, they don't like me (that is what I thought I was feeling) and now, I think they actually hate me. Maybe not hate but they sure don't want me around. I don't understand. God I swear I don't. Yes mind is spinning. I can't stop crying.
The way I have been treated is so unfair and so disrespectful. Why don't they care? Why won't they hear me? Why don't they ask? What did i do? What did I do?????? I'm distraught. I just am scrabbling with my emotions. I want to call and I want to talk but i know it doesn't help. How many times do I have to expose myself to rejection in an attempt to heal something. It's almost abusive really. It's just horribly unfair. And yet, all I can think is that this is karma hitting me. I've broken hearts. I've been so cold. I've let people down. I'm divorced. I now understand the pain I've caused people. I know now how it feels to have the ones you love the most tell you that who you are is not enough.
The dynamic is unique and dysfunctional and we're all damaged. I've loved as best I could. I gave all I had. From my soul. None of it appreciated. Reciprocated.
@quietAvocado5442 It's hard to feel rejected from people you would've given anything for and who you love dearly. It makes sense why you'd blame yourself for what happened although you're not sure why they cut you off. I'm sorry that they've left you completely unsure and feeling like any attempt at seeking out warmth or love comes with a lot of pain.
It's hard to learn to love people in a healthy way when you're so familiar with abusive dynamics but it doesn't mean it's impossible. It's extremely painful to be rejected but it's important to remember that you have value and are deserving of being loved regardless of other people being unwilling to give you that. They have their own reasons, whether they make sense or not, and there's a good chance you'll find out what those are eventually.
The frustrating thing is learning to give love to oneself, learning to have enough empathy for yourself to know that you don't deserve abuse that's happening to you. It may be a good idea to distract yourself from the situation in the meanwhile as there's a chance that what's happening will be explained to you in the future... What're some things that comfort you? Are there any friends or other family members you could call? Also, journaling in detail about how you feel is a great way to vent out feelings and I'm proud of you for doing that.
I don't know what's going to happen with your family but I wish you the best of luck and hope that things turn out better than you expect. You care, it's so clear you care and that's so powerful in itself because it shows that in the least you've made an effort to repair things. I'm proud of you for at least being brave enough to confront your feelings.
I hope reading this helped a little and things get better eventually. Sending love.
