My first Diary Entry - Venting out

Hi, I'm Shade, to anyone who's reading this. I usually write my thoughts and other things in a secret diary that I keep, but I'm writing today's entry down here. I live with my parents while going to college as a freshman. I have a small part time job, soon looking to have a better one. Anyways, I feel exhausted emotionally when having to spend time with my parents, because my father is narcissistic and my mom is sort of unstable in my eyes. During the holidays it is especially tiring and overwhelming for me to be with them because I'm out of college. I do help my parents with chores in the house, and I generally listen to whatever they have to say. But I can't be myself around them. I always feel weirded out or overwhelmed when I'm with them, because they don't treat me like an adult, I guess. I don't know how to put it, but all I know is my parents can be abusive when their mood is down, and I get caught in their insults and fights. I never go to them for emotional support or even help with college related stuff, like academics, or choosing my degree path and courses. I also do not get that much advice really from them on how to be a responsible or independent adult. I am learning through college and the internet really, I guess. I was suicidal a couple of times because I couldn't handle them, and when my mom saw me with a knife held to my stomach she did not even try to get help for me. I can't afford therapy on my own, so I am still struggling to find a sense of support among the people surrounding me. I occasionally get those thoughts, but I'm way too afraid to actually do anything. I am just stuck with my father also, who has lately been trying to insult me and ruin my self esteem on purpose, and it's just really hard. I feel like I'm on my own, and so writing this here gives me a sense of comfort for now. Maybe I'll delete this later on, but for now I needed to get this down because inside I'm really struggling to find my place in life. I don't want to live a life like my parents honestly.