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fairmindedShade219
3,714 M Seeking Light 3
PathStep 48 Compassion hearts154 Forum posts41 Forum upvotes53 Current upvotes53 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 31, 2021
Bio
Hi, I'm Shade and I'm new to the 7cups platform. I decided to join because I had a hard time opening up to people about my emotions and being anxious quite often.

Here are a few fun facts about me:

1. My favorite things to do are singing, writing lyrics, composing music sometimes, taking walks while listening to music, taking pictures, sketching, cuddling with my dog, and feeding my parakeets.

2. I enjoy reading mainly mystery, realistic fiction, historical fiction, and sometimes really good fantasy or sci-fi books.

3. A place that I would love to visit is Egypt and be able to see the pyramids in person.

4. I think that personality wise, I am sensitive, quiet and talkative, and often lost in my thoughts.

5. Finally, some things that I want to work on is to be more confident in myself, make more friends, achieve more goals that I want to work towards, and be a better person overall.

I think it's cool that a platform like this exists and I look forward to using it more often!
Recent forum posts
Life....
General Support / by fairmindedShade219
Last post
 August 13th, 2023
...See more Life feels like it sucks for me at the moment. I haven't managed to find a ounce of happiness living with my parents at 20. I am planning to move out for sure, but don't know when, because well, I was dealing with the cost of college, and i dont have that much money to rent an apartment. I am also lazy, I admit that. I lost my motivation to even put in half the effort to become more independent. I constantly compare myself to my family friends, because they are hustling honestly. I know nothing comes out of comparing myself, but i cant help it. Im that type of person. Im not willing to try over and over again if i dont see results immediately, and i have no energy to deal with more failure in my life. I have no direction in what i should do. Im so lost honestly, and i cant tell anyone about it because ive tried and they dont really understand. Todays world is just too much for me sometimes, but I also dont want to give up immediately. Im really struggling, and I just want to keep venting about it lol.
Dealing with the consequences
General Support / by fairmindedShade219
Last post
 August 7th, 2023
...See more Today was another day of fighting and living with an abusive family. My parents fought over something trivial, and as I was eating breakfast looking at my phone, my mom suddenly showed her anger towards me for looking at my phone. One of the reasons I did that was because I wanted to distract myself from my parents' fighting and shouting. She then picked a fight with me, and took away my phone. I was fed up with it all and argued with her, spoke back and she got angry and went away. I took my younger sister, who's 11, (I'm 20), to go walk the dog. I was feeling frustrated from it all, since I had been dealing with anxiety and compulsive behaviors as well (like fearing the worst things that could happen everytime I went out or did something). I was so frustrated that no one in my family truly cared about what I was dealing with. My mom had found out that I was paying for therapy to deal with these things, and made a whole speech about how she would have helped me if i had come to her in the first place. Well back to walking the dog, I was being stupid and thought my sister would understand what I was going through at the moment, and I proceeded to try and talk about what happened with her. She showed no reaction to what I was trying to say, and acted like it was another ordinary day. I got even more frustrated with that because normally if she was going through something then I tried to talk it out with her. She also likes to ask questions about everything, even with simple things, and normally i would tell her to not ask because my mind would be too full with dealing with my own problems. Today I lashed out at her for asking questions like that because i thought she was ignoring what i had just went through. Like she asked me if the dog had peed, and I wasnt paying attention because I had just fought with my parents, and she knew that. I snapped back at her, saying, "I don't know, don't you have eyes to see?" I know i am the older sister and she's just a kid, but sometimes i think i depend on her too much to actually understand what my problems are. Anyways, i understand that I was being mean to her, and she proceeded to tell my mom and ran upstairs. I guess that's what a toxic family does to you, you slowly start to become toxic as well. My mom found this as the perfect oppotunity to point out all my flaws, and called me crazy like she always did. She then told my sister to not talk to me because she should know that I am crazy. It hurt. It stung. I thought back to when my sister was crying coming back from a class the other day, and I asked her multiple times what happened. She ignored me and just talked about it to my parents. I still dont know what happened. But I tried to understand her situation. I know that I am not a great sister, but I was trying to be better. But somehow i am always the culprit in every situation that i am in with my parents, or my sister. Like I told my mom my problems because she told me to share whenever i was going through a rough time, and now she calls me crazy whenever she has the chance.
i guess im just letting things out
General Support / by fairmindedShade219
Last post
 August 5th, 2023
...See more i currently live with my parents, and theyre both physically and mentally abusive. Growing up with emotionally immature parents who dont really care about your emotional well being and always fought inappropriately in front of you. as well as taking out their anger on you when you did nothing wrong, that is something that i still have to deal with today. i have a lot of anxiety, and i cant seem to let my guard down to do things i truly want. Obviously i want to leave my parents and live my own life, but i dont have the money yet. I havent experienced strong friendships, relationships, havent even held a persons hand. my feelings and thoughts dont matter to anyone. Comparing my life to others lives constantly, knowing that their life could be hard as well behind the screens. But they always seem so easygoing compared to me. I literally dont have someone to support me when Im falling deep into my anxiety or into depression. Im so mad at the world right now because im alone and confused with my future as well, and the path that im taking. I dont know if I ll ever be able to find happiness and live for myself. Thats my biggest fear right now.
Decided to live for myself
Journals & Diaries / by fairmindedShade219
Last post
 June 28th, 2022
...See more TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE AND SELF HARM I wasn't planning on posting this, but I guess I am now. I'm 19 and live at home, working a part time job and commuting to college. Currently it's summer and I am trying to save up as much money as I can to pay for college through loans and stuff. I also deal with my parents who are super toxic and have been verbally and physically abusing me since I was little. Yesterday I got into an argument with my mother and the argument soon turned physically violent thanks to my mother. We fought and she bit my wrists (which still pains me as I type this). I scratched her face in retaliation, which did not turn out well. I got thrown to the floor and got kicked hard in the legs by my mother, and also got bit hard in the wrists again. I was angry at her for all she had done - failing to understand me and my feelings, not trying to understand what I was trying to tell her, always resorting to violence when she didn't know how to confront me with words or resolve an argument. I had always been her emotional dumpster or physical punch bag when she couldn't handle the abuse she received from my father or others. I threw harsh words at her because I was sick and tired of her being my mother and having to live with such terrible parents who didn't know how to raise kids. I raised myself to overcome the abuse when no one was there to support me. Coming back to the current situation, after she told in my face that I was going to end up alone and miserable, since I already had a hard time making friends, and my nearby relatives nearly always spoke things about me behind my back to my mother, she used that to tell me that my relatives wouldn't be able to put up with me. It didn't help that my mother's argument with her relatives a few weeks back forced my aunt and grandparents to cut ties with me. I felt this hollow tunnel running deep inside that led me to believe that everyone hated me and my mouth. After my mother left the room, I realized that I didn't want to live this life. I didn't want to be called a monster when I wasn't, I didn't want to be taken for granted by everyone around me, I didn't want to be constantly compared to other sons and daughters, I didn't want to be financially dependent and blackmailed, and I didn't know what I even wanted to do with my life. I went to the bathroom to ponder over how I wanted to let it all go so I could be done with this life. I felt that there was no meaning to myself anymore and dying was easier anyways. But as soon as I was about to do it, I got scared. I tried convincing myself that my life, if I chose to live it, would be ruined by my parents. But then I also thought about the things that I would miss. My job, which I was starting to enjoy, the joy of going to college and working hard, the research course that I was planning to sign up for to get better experience, and the option of seeking a therapist since no one else would help me out. I thought of all that and decided to wait a little bit longer before I decided to end my life. I would no longer care if others thought of me as a bad person, or a rude and outspoken daughter and person overall, because I knew that living for myself would my life worth living for. I am going to try to do the things that I want to do and enjoy my company instead of chasing after other people who wouldn't like me anyway.
My Diary Entry - how i really feel
Journals & Diaries / by fairmindedShade219
Last post
 March 28th, 2022
...See more I am currently living alone with my father after my mom chose to move out of the house for some time. My dad is manipulative, and I think shows the traits of a sociopath. For all my life, he would abuse my mother, gaslight us both, and then apologize turning into a completely different person, pretending that he would care about us and understand our feelings. Recently, I had a falling out with my mom, and she left the house. I was betrayed because she had abused me as well due to her being upset by my dad's actions. She never took my feelings into consideration. No matter how hard I tried, she would always blame me for her misfortunes. This time, I was sick of her toxicity because I couldn't deal with two unsupportive and abusive parents. I was left alone by my mom even though she knew my dad fought with her and gaslighted her on purpose to act this way, and I'm trying to adjust living with my dad. I don't feel comfortable, but I'm staying strong for myself so that I can be independent and move on with my life without my parents. I need to finish college and save up some money in order to do that. I have been motivating myself to work harder and also find a support system so that I don't feel alone when I'm with my family. I'm going to take it day by day and do whatever I can to deal with my dad.
My first Diary Entry - Venting out
Journals & Diaries / by fairmindedShade219
Last post
 January 18th, 2022
...See more Hi, I'm Shade, to anyone who's reading this. I usually write my thoughts and other things in a secret diary that I keep, but I'm writing today's entry down here. I live with my parents while going to college as a freshman. I have a small part time job, soon looking to have a better one. Anyways, I feel exhausted emotionally when having to spend time with my parents, because my father is narcissistic and my mom is sort of unstable in my eyes. During the holidays it is especially tiring and overwhelming for me to be with them because I'm out of college. I do help my parents with chores in the house, and I generally listen to whatever they have to say. But I can't be myself around them. I always feel weirded out or overwhelmed when I'm with them, because they don't treat me like an adult, I guess. I don't know how to put it, but all I know is my parents can be abusive when their mood is down, and I get caught in their insults and fights. I never go to them for emotional support or even help with college related stuff, like academics, or choosing my degree path and courses. I also do not get that much advice really from them on how to be a responsible or independent adult. I am learning through college and the internet really, I guess. I was suicidal a couple of times because I couldn't handle them, and when my mom saw me with a knife held to my stomach she did not even try to get help for me. I can't afford therapy on my own, so I am still struggling to find a sense of support among the people surrounding me. I occasionally get those thoughts, but I'm way too afraid to actually do anything. I am just stuck with my father also, who has lately been trying to insult me and ruin my self esteem on purpose, and it's just really hard. I feel like I'm on my own, and so writing this here gives me a sense of comfort for now. Maybe I'll delete this later on, but for now I needed to get this down because inside I'm really struggling to find my place in life. I don't want to live a life like my parents honestly.
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