My Thread

The Asking Price

Discussing the cost of relationships. "I got me a dark diamond."

not going to ask him what he meant.

Came up with my own conclusion: a dark diamond takes a long time to shine but when it does it's worth the wait.

(that's the hope)

Sunday August 1, 2021 8:47am

woke with an aching back. fairly certain the mattress actually hurts my back worse than before we turned it.

H said the lightning last night was heat lightning but I think it was just a small storm in the distance.

even now, after the fog (mental fog) has lifted, I feel it's presence. It's never far away. I guess it's name is trauma. Guess it goes by many names.

it's always so cold in this house when H is home. I resent it as I resent him. I love him. But I resent him. God, help me with my resentments.

we were supposed to be in the city by now. getting a later start, I suppose.

H just informed me it's a fast day. starting today until the 15th. I resent that too. I never decided to be orthodox. He's not either. But he wants to adhere to some of their ways.

when we go to the city it will be the first time I've been off the property for several weeks.
In the rain. Better than in the humidity. We have no a/c in truck. Guess I should be happy. Wasn't I just complaining about how cold I get?

these fast days.. sigh. Preparing meals in keeping with them. At least for him, at least the evening meal. Two weeks and one day. Lord, please change my heart. I resent the man. And because I resent the man, I resent the fast.

He decided to screw up his whole world. And now we both pay so that he may feel absolved.

But we all deserve forgiveness. I want to have forgiveness in my heart for him, not bitterness. Would it be better if he didn't try? Better if he were not contrite? No. So help me to find paths to forgiveness or acceptance or whatever I am lacking that is keeping this from seeming an acceptable path forward to and for me.

must our paths be the same? Must I embrace orthodox ways? No. But I need to support him in his chosen path.

do I need to find my own path? Does it even matter? I'm not certain of what matters anymore.

I do know that I'm still very western in my thoughts. Guess it can't be helped. He is too. It's part of our fabric since birth. And westerners are very given to the idea that suffering shouldn't exist and is something to be alleviated or remedied as quickly as possible.

Jesus came to teach us how to endure suffering. But is suffering any greater cause than not wishing to suffer? Part of me truly doubts it if you get down to it. Suffering .. I don't know. We should both just be grateful that we don't know true suffering. I'm sure true sufferers, those who have endured tremendous pains and trauma beyond the realm of most of us, like someone who's family was hacked to death by machetes, would have very different takes on the merits of suffering.

so, driving to the city in the rain, without a/c, beside the man I both love and resent.. this is very small suffering. A small cross I bear. But it is my cross. Shall I bear it well? Shall I lay it down someday and pick up again, or for the first time, my own life?

and what is my life? Is it mine? Is it even supposed to be? Is it supposed to be Christ's and Christ's alone?

and I resent and resent and resent. God, help my resentment.

even his voice. I long for him to be here so I will not be lonely. Then when he is here I wish him only to be quiet, his presence less known. Maybe I just like the idea of him. This isn't his fault. I know he tries. And I know I'm bitter. I have my reasons.

but still I wish for all reasons to melt away. In the face of forgiveness and love. Love for him, love for God. I suppose there should be love for humanity and all of creation thrown in there but that's a bit much when I can't even tackle these other two. Love for myself? I seem to have that one down fairly well. Too well.

So. Just found out (vaguely) what this particular fast is for. And yep, could've guessed - a cause for more resentment. Seems to be the theme of the day. I know I'm not being right. But I also know I don't celebrate the Dormition of the Mother of God.
I grew up Protestant. These things are foreign to my understanding and even at times go against them. I'm not certain what do to. Maybe I was looking for an easy out from this fast at the onset.
originally I said I would fast with him.. maybe a year ago or six months ago? But as the novelty wore off and my own efforts did not increase (to grow my own spiritual life), I have become slack and less willing to see it through.

that this particular fast basically goes against my personal belief that Mary is due some type of high honor... I must examine myself.

I know as a child I thought of the nativity and what it must've meant for Mary to be chosen as the vessel to carry the Messiah. It rarely went much farther than a few prayerful contemplations or meditations as it wasn't part of my spiritual culture (Protestant).

in fact, I'm uncertain how I feel about all of this- icons on the wall. In one way they give me a comfort as if we are trying to establish an order and goodness in our home. In another way they hang on my mind like a drowning stone around my neck. Either way, they are here. N our bedroom wall.

He says he does none of this to impose his will upon me or to have me conform to his spiritual path. But it's my wall too. (And it's his wall too). And he says I do not have to fast. But if I prepare his meals, there isn't much difference.

and so I resent and resent.

the other day I was so distraught, so anxious. Lost in a sadness and very uncomfortable thinking of how he had treated me that last time. He came to me and pressed a prayer bracelet into my hand and said "say the Jesus Prayer."
I know he has found much comfort in it for himself.
I did not pray then but I wore the bracelet the next day and a half while I was in the depths of the mental fog.

just before it lifted, the afternoon before or the early evening, I broke down and repeated the Jesus Prayer several times. It did not comfort as I had hoped. I was stuck on the last part, "a sinner." I know I am a sinner. Need I constant reminder? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I just don't like it because it isn't easy or palatable.

I then tried the Lord's Prayer. I recited it several times. I did begin to calm down. I wanted to allow God to minister to me. Don't even know how that's done any longer. I once thought I sort of knew as a child - how to allow His comfort in.

I guess so on we'll finally leave for the city. Waiting on him. If I asked he'd say he's waiting on me, ha. So guess I could at least get ready. Then I'm sure we'll go.

maybe I can work on bending my will. How I loathe subservience. And all of spirituality is subservience.

Band-Aid

I should eat breakfast.

Before it becomes lunch.

I made a band-aid for my thumb but it’s cumbersome. Still, I need something for it so I may try again. A band-aid would solve it. But I don’t have a band-aid. So I used some vinyl duct-like tape.

Even cut in strips it’s not a good fix. Will have to cut into smaller strips.

I don’t even know exactly what’s wrong with it. May have gotten a splinter or some steel wool in it. Tried to find the culprit and instead made myself a sore there.

These things tend to happen sometimes as I’m not quick to remove splinters. But this one wasn’t healing. That’s why I think the culprit might’ve been steel wool originally. Wood will usually not cause problems, or a sticker, if very small.

It’s not a problem if it weren’t an annoying reminder of my lack of self-care.

So, breakfast. That’s self care. And unload the dishwasher, reload. That’s self care.

Bet it takes me two hours.

Life alone here. And at such a slow pace.

I guess this is just who I am.

Or, who I’ve become in isolation. Prolonged mostly-isolation.

I think it’s both. It’s partly who I am and partly exacerbated by staying isolated.

I need to help what I can. And all of this can be altered. Maybe not who I intrinsically am. But I can make strides towards progress.

It’s better than thinking I won’t or can’t change.

Tuesday August 3, 2021 9:52am

think I'm going to put this cucumber in some vinegar, sugar and lemon juice, salt, pepper.

also need to do something with these two corn that are still in the husk. Thinking southwest corn - skillet corn with peppers, onion, maybe tomato. Looking for ways to pack more nutrients into these non-meat/non-dairy/non-oil days. H does too much physical labor not to have carbs and protein.

lentils and rice came out very well last nite. Was pleased with the dish and will try to replicate. Would like to see it become a staple dish in our home *if* I can replicate it.

still working on climbing back up after the most recent downturn.

***
undecided if I should seek another counselor.

But I am decided that, Godwilling, I can keep the hounds of trauma remembrance at bay today. I know the key will be to keep my environment as serene as possible and keep busy. Both of which should be doable.

Thursday August 5, 2021 1:12am

today I saw a coachwhip. was very close to front steps.
this evening I saw a vinegaroon. couldn't make it out at first - just a small dark shape moving against the caliche so I walked out to it and still couldn't tell for sure if it was a mutated specimen/new breed or if it was eating a grasshopper. Got a flashlight. No such bizarre luck as a new or mutated specimen. Young vinegaroon with a still living grasshopper that seemed half-devoured firmly in its clasp.
the poor grasshopper seemed to look at me as if to help it. But what could I do? Sadly, it was a goner. It would not have lived even if I had "saved" it.
nature is so uncompromising.

quote the other day: "chaos was the law of nature; order was the dream of man."
I'm not certain chaos, or chaos alone, is the law of nature but order is definitely a desire of man and maybe beast alike, I think. We at least all want to survive. We have that in common - all things. There may be a thing out there whose main purpose is not to survive but most things I can think of have instinctual survival drive obviously.

thought a bit about counseling and what kind. CBT might be appropriate for many of my major problem areas. I'm still not sold on it wholly. Also not sold on the idea of getting a counselor. Could always try a book or video on cbt first.
or, maybe I should just implement what I have been trying, stay the course and add to it as go.
medication is another area of indecision. Yes, no, antidepressants, or anti-anxiety.

how much of this could just be healed through obedience to Christ, to God? my answer to this varies by mood and thought.

did do much better with fasting today.

had meant to go to shop to help H. I chickened out, backslid into my old avoidance/procrastination ways.

this evening we watched "All Quiet on the Western Front". I had stumbled across it the other day. Wanted H to see it.
first, he watched a video on Coptic monks and I listened along. I speculated that John the Baptist might have been one of the earliest "Christian" desert fathers. Thinking those before him (in what we consider Christianity) would've been even moreso Judaic. But I really don't know enough to know.

the insects are out tonight in strong numbers. I can hear them pelleting against the glass of the window.

even in the midst of all my moments, I'm somewhat sad, somewhat fearful and regretful. Still need to learn accepting a moment, a day, for what it is and learn peace and gratitude, humility, obedience and discipline.

been so tired. Been sleeping and sleeping. No wonder this mattress hurts my back. One of the reasons at least. Which is partly why I wonder if I wouldn't benefit from an antidepressant.
Lord, be with me, guide me. Teach me your will. Amen

God, please grant to change my heart.

Saturday August 7, 2021 2:52pm

Face Your Fears

One of the key steps is to face your fears. It’s impossible to overcome a challenge if you don’t expose yourself to situations that make you anxious. Avoidance as a tool to cope can be a short-term help, but it is not helping you to continue personal growth.

Gently exposing yourself could prove to be really useful to overcome the challenge.

(taken from a Cup's script)

Wednesday August 11, 2021 1:21pm

I dropped off into a fitful sleep around 3:30am last nite (as is my way after emotional or challenging events).

I don't think I have much to say about the events - only that I want to work on staying closer to God.

The only other immediate take-away I have thus far skirts the edge where fear, expectation (managed expectation), anxious anticipation/worry and dread, acceptance (dare I say peace?.. even if fleeting) and determinism seem to want to meet.

time for a little determinism. It seems to help with everything else. And closer to God, without Him nothing matters anyway perhaps.