My Story About Her
Litepanda
May 18th, 2022
Hello There,
Welcome. This is a recreation of my old thread that's not really that old. However, I got to put that one to an end to give birth to this one.
This is basically the same thing with a different way of telling. I realized something while writing that one, and here I am now. So this is a story about someone that doesn't revolve strictly around that person. But also about the impact she has on me and my life later on.
This is a journey to my inner thoughts and feelings that is not always reflected in my behavior and actions. To the deeper and darker side of my heart and mind where thoughts and feelings are floating around freely. Safely and soundly.
I want to sail through the memory and take myself back to the day I first met her to share how my life has been going ever since. So there are other elements and people that are also part of this story. Well, I'm here to tell my story after all. My Story About Her.
I expect no interruption until I finish the story, and I appreciate everyone who can respect that. So, here it is,
My Story About Her
They got a new hire at last. She's standing just a few feet from me as her work buddy, Yellow Bell, introduces her to their colleague who's sitting in front of me. Our division is divided by partitions, and one of them is on my right since I sit in the corner. But there's no partition in front of me so I could get a clear view of her. She's different. From either her colleagues or her predecessor. And that kinda makes her look out of place. 'She's the one they choose?', I thought to myself.
I still remember not too long ago, Ms. Heather, manager of the accounting department, talked to me in the pantry, asking about my study. I was about to finish my study, and though I wasn't specifically searching for a new opportunity, I was open about it.
She was approaching while I was refilling my water bottle. We don't usually meet in the pantry. It was an unusual occurrence. So I think she deliberately approached me. I, of course, felt flattered by the gesture. But it's accounting, and I don't have a good history with accounting. So I didn't try to give her the impression that I was good at it. But I told her, my skills apart, I'm always keen to learn new things. She offered me to have an interview with her. So I had a go at it.
I went to Yellow Bell in the evening. She was the one who encouraged me to do the interview. So before going to Ms. Heather's office, I went to her cubicle. Trying to get an idea of how the interview would go and asking for some tips. She told me to just be relaxed and said she didn't think there'd be any technical questions during the interview.
I went to Ms. Heather's office at 7 p.m. The interview was going well, but at the end, she asked me to complete a simple balance sheet. She told me not to worry about it cause she just wanted to see where my skill level was at.
I only learned accounting for one semester throughout my undergraduate years in computer science and another one while taking my postgraduate degree. Though I was majoring in the economy in my postgraduate program, the study was more about the macroeconomy, banking, and capital market. So the memory of how to complete that simple balance sheet gets lost somewhere in the back of my head.
I pushed the paper back to Ms. Heather gently. In a few seconds, as she looked into my answer, I saw a slight disappointment on her face. That time I thought to myself, 'Oh, the decision is sealed'. She said it was just a small mistake. But I knew, in accounting, you can't afford to make even the slightest mistake.
Ms. Heather said the interview was over, and she would get back to me again. But she never did. And I don't know was it because she really had no intention of hiring me or because I was avoiding her. I felt bad for trying for a job I knew I wasn't qualified for.
That slight disappointment on her face, I couldn't ignore it. I felt like if I kept trying, I could be more of a disappointment. Because first, Mrs. Acacia, my supervisor, would surely be disappointed that I left her team. Second, I just found out that evening that Yellow Bell would leave the company.
She was the nicest person I knew in that division. I thought if I went for the interview and got accepted, there was at least one encouraging and supportive person I could turn to if I needed some help. Third, the accounting department is tough in nature. I rarely saw any of them go home before 8 p.m. Which means, the workload was heavy.
I don't mind a heavy workload. It's pretty much the same here. At times, we even have to work until midnight. But a heavy workload means I got to keep up with their pace. And how would I do that when I was pretty much a beginner? Not a beginner as in I have no work experience, but a beginner as in I have no required skills. So, all in all, I decided to eliminate myself from the candidate list. I don't want her to be disappointed if she decided to hire me and I couldn't perform as expected.
And now here I am. Glancing at the new hire who's moving in a lively manner. The way she walks, talks, and gestures, she has a different vibe. But can she vibe well with her work and colleagues?
I've made my decision. I've been going back and forth thinking about it long enough. And I think it's time. I've been working here for around a year. But what I first thought would be the journey to fulfilling contribution and exciting self-development turned out to be a surprise from the start.
I got employed for a different position from what was offered to me. And I only found out about it on my first day. I realized they decided to hire someone from another team in our department to fill the reporting position, while I ended up replacing that person's job, handling administrative matters.
It felt wrong from the start, and I was ready to walk out the door. It's tough for me to have to do something I didn't sign up for. Especially since the job is monotonous. I didn't find something challenging about it, and it made the job become tedious for me real fast.
But as it turned out, the decision to leave wasn't easy either because I reflected on what happened before. I first worked for my lecturer in a semi-government organization. It was a micro organization consisting only of my boss and me.
There were two organizations residing in the same office space. The organization I worked for and the other organization that was a part of the first one. So, each was an integral part of the other. There were six people in total in that office, including the finance staff and the office boy handling the two organizations. The other four were directors and project officers for each organization.
But the two were very different when it came to the workload. On my first day, I almost had nothing to do. On the other hand, the other project officer seemed quite busy throughout the day. It made me wonder what I was doing there. Because it seemed like there was no difference whether or not I was there.
On that first day, I also received an email from an HR staff of another company saying they would continue my recruitment process. The email that I, at first, determined to ignore because I wanted to be loyal to my lecturer. But the dissatisfaction with my lack of function on that first day led me to reply to that email the following day. I got hired after a month. Luckily, my lecturer was very understanding and supportive. When I came to him to tell him the news, he wished me the best and allowed me to leave with one week's notification.
After my resignation was approved, I once met the director of the other organization in the restroom. When asked about my reason for leaving, I said there was barely anything to do there. But the conversation revealed a lot could have been done had my lecturer and I explored the many possibilities. But we had not gotten there since my lecturer was also new to the organization. He only joined a couple of months before me. So, when I felt the desire to leave my current job, I tried to rethink and give myself time to explore more.
My job isn't that bad. I mean, yeah, it's tedious. But my boss is highly competent and very caring. She's very dedicated to her job with profound knowledge about the job and the organization. She has a high standard about how she expects the job to be done, and yeah, it does give us a headache sometimes. But there's so much to learn from her. She also has a strong character. She pushes us hard but is also protective of us.
She's the type who wouldn't hold back in reprimanding you if you make a mistake. But she also doesn't hold back in giving appreciation and trusting you if she thinks you deserve it. And she makes me feel trusted and very appreciated. I respect her very much. I might not have stayed till this day had she wasn't the one who led my way.
It's just... I feel so stuck. There's barely anything new that allows me to develop my skills and knowledge. I have given more than enough time to think about it. It's been a year, and things have been pretty much the same.
So this evening, talking to my manager, Mr Orpheus is the planning. I have prepared my resignation letter and put it inside an envelope. It shouldn't take long. I just need to give the notification letter and tell him the reason.
This kind of thing makes me feel nervous. I don't normally talk to Mr Orpheus. Also, I don't like being the center of attention. So I wait until the others go back home. It seems that some work overtime since they remain in their cubicles past 6 p.m. But I can't continue waiting. Otherwise, Mr. Orpheus might go back home before I could talk to him. So I walk to his chamber, trying not to think if anyone is watching.
Mr. Orpheus notices me as I stand before his chamber and ask what's happening. I ask for his time, and he allows me to sit. My heart is pounding, and my voice is shaking the moment I begin to talk. It's not exactly because of the topic of that talk. I'm just that awkward when it comes to social interaction. And I swear I'm normally not that sentimental, but when talking about leaving, that emotion hit me. It feels like my heart is about to explode, and I almost tear up.
I don't know why it's happening. I've told myself so many times, 'hey, it's our decision. We're free to make that decision. There's no need to feel bad about it. This is a professional environment. And we're just making a professional decision. It's not something personal'. Also, I submit a three-month notice instead of one month. I want to give them more than enough time to find my replacement. But somehow, I still kinda feel bad about it.
I tried to pull myself together. Fortunately, he doesn't make things even more difficult. He gently asks about my reason for leaving. Once he finds out I can't stand the monotonous day-to-day, he offers to get me into some training and development. He talks about his plan to send me to another division, which I liaise with for a few days so I can learn more beyond my day-to-day job. He also offers to transfer me to another team, where I will be able to contribute differently and learn a new set of skills and widen my knowledge.
That conversation got me excited. But there's something that got me distracted. Somewhere along that conversation, I heard a singing voice. It catches my attention, and suddenly, the topic of my career prospect no longer entices me.
It's my first time hearing someone singing like that in the office. I can't understand a single word. The song is neither in our native language nor English. But somehow, it sounds so heartfelt. It's like the owner of the voice is singing something she deeply feels. And throughout the rest of the conversation, I can't help but wonder who's the one singing.
Once the conversation is over, I walk back to my cubicle. I go to the restroom before preparing to go back home. On my way there, my colleague's sister is sitting in the front room. She likes K-pop, and I thought it was her the one who was singing. So I greeted her.
Me: "Oh, it was you, the one who sang!" 😄
Her: "What? No! It was someone from the other side of the room."
Me: "Oh... really?" 😮
Her: "Yeah... I don't even know any mandarin song."
Me: "Oh, so it was a mandarin song."
Her: "Yeah, it wasn't Korean
Me: " Who was it? The one who was singing?"
Her: "How would I know? It was someone from that side (pointing to the right side of my cubicle)
Me: "That side? You sure? It wasn't the other side?"
Her: "Nope"
Me: "Really? Someone from that side was singing? You sure it wasn't you?" 😝
Her: "Noooo... Why don't you believe me? I can't even sing." 😂
Me: "You're a Kpoper. How can you can't sing?" 😅
Her: "I'm a listener, not a singer." 😜
We continue a little chit-chat before I go to the restroom. Once I get back to my cubicle, I take a look at the side she was pointing to. So there are three divisions on our floor. The sales team and their support on the left, my division - business support in the middle, and the pension fund division on the right.
I look to my right and see the new hire, Water Lily, and a few more people. The singing had already stopped, so I can't figure out who it was. Noone there pegged me as someone who would sing their heart out in a room with more than a few people. Especially Water Lily. She has only been here for a couple of months. Would she really have the courage and comfort to do that?
Well... I made a mistake. I shouldn't have bypassed my supervisor, Mrs. Acacia. I should have talked to her first instead of going straight to Mr. Orpheus. But I have my reason. Do you know that feeling of not wanting to talk to someone because you think they would talk you out of it to make the situation more advantageous to them, and you would only realize that you're in a position you never want to be after it's too late? That's kinda how I feel about her.
When I joined the company, I had not finished my study. From the beginning, I made it clear that I wouldn't overlook my study just because I started working. But I would try to find the balance between the two. At first, there was no problem with it at all. She was very understanding and supportive. But at some point, she started to make me feel bad about my study.
That Saturday, I got to go to work. It was near the end of the month, and the workload began to spike. The day before, I told Mrs. Acacia that I wouldn't be able to stay until the evening since I had a class to attend. She said it's not going to be a problem since the workload didn't seem to be at its peak yet.
As usual, I came early before anyone else arrived and started to work immediately after filling up my water bottle. Around 4 p.m, I asked for her permission to leave. She granted the permission. But when I got up and was about to turn my computer off, she said something that implied I might no longer care about the job since I was about to finish my degree and probably would look for another job after my graduation. It's not the words. It was the way she said it.
I didn't say anything. But I was upset. Well... It's true that this isn't my dream job. But I always dedicate myself to what I do. I never do it half-heartedly. Whatever task assigned to me, I always give my best. Most importantly, while I'm here, I'm here. I never give less than my 100%, nor did I ever try to look for another opportunity.
I don't just stay here until I get a better job. And I don't appreciate my dedication being taken lightly. And it wasn't the only time she made that kind of remark. Maybe she's just feeling insecure about how much longer I will stay here. But that kind of remark is just annoying and upsetting.
Mrs. Acacia seems to think that once I finished my study, I would have more opportunities to grasp, and I would go for it. I wouldn't rule out that possibility altogether. But that's not how I made a decision in my life.
For me, it's not just about grabbing a better opportunity. When other people are involved, I wouldn't solely think of my own needs and wants. I would be happy to stay in a mutually beneficial environment. But if I have needs, and I think the people around me cannot accommodate them, I would do it for myself.
That's why, when I decided that it was time for me to take a leap, I chose to go directly to Mr. Orpheus. I thought a conversation with him would be more fair and square. I didn't want to talk to someone who probably wouldn't care about my concern and try to make me stay by making me feel bad about leaving.
But now, I got to bear the consequence of my decision. Mr. Orpheus called Mrs. Acacia to his office this morning. And she's been acting weird since she got back to her cubicle. Like literally pretending that I'm not sitting beside her. She doesn't even get that much to do. It's an early month, and our workload is far from heavy.
She went somewhere long enough after returning to her cubicle and didn't say anything to me. Usually, she always tells me when she's leaving somewhere in case someone is looking for her. But now, she hasn't said a word since this morning. Well, she did say something.
"Mr. Orpheus told me this morning. He told me everything. It's okay. I understand. You need something new. I told him to let you stay on my team. Don't worry about the challenge you wish for. I have talked to Bletilla, and she agreed to grant us a part of her team's job. But you will need to talk to Camelia later about the handover. I've already talked to her too. She's good at handling the job. Ask her to teach you everything about it. You will learn something new in the process. It will excite you.", Mrs. Acacia told me once she got back to her cubicle.
I kinda felt bad when she said she knew from Mr. Orpheus. But her facial expression didn't show any sign of disappointment. And I thought she just treated this as a professional matter. But her behavior doesn't corroborate that thought. And I've been feeling unsettled since this morning.
I know I made a mistake. I wasn't supposed to bypass her. But I didn't mean to disrespect her. I just wasn't sure if I could trust her. And the talk about my resignation. It's not a small matter to me. I wanted to talk to someone I could trust.
And now it causes some misunderstanding. Not that I wasn't aware this would happen. But I didn't think I would be retained. I thought Mr. Orpheus would accept my resignation. And even if the situation gets uncomfortable after that, I only need to bear with it for three months.
I wouldn't mind if Mrs. Acacia said upsetting things or made things hard for me during those three months. It actually would make it easier for me to focus only on work and clean my conscience from feeling bad about leaving. If I'm not treated well for putting myself first when I'm struggling, it shows that I'm making a good decision. But this... Oh, this isn't good. And I get a feeling that it's only the start of more to come.
In the afternoon, Mrs. Acacia sends an email blast to the sales team about the PIC change for the new task I'm about to handle. And for the first time, I see my name in an email, capitalized, bold, underlined, and highlighted.
I don't usually receive emails sent directly to my email address. All work-related communication is done using group email. And I don't like being the center of attention. Let alone drawing all those attention. But somehow, Mrs. Acacia seems to think it's necessary to do.
Seeing my name there gives me a lot of discomforts. It's not just because that shocking announcement was released in such a way to draw so much attention to me. But also because the handover hasn't even happened. Meanwhile, the email says the change is effective immediately.
My heart is pounding, and I get anxious when I find that email in my mailbox. I quickly open other unread emails. Trying to take my mind away from the anxiety. I sip quite a lot of water, which I sometimes do when I feel uneasy. But the heartbeat doesn't get slow down. So I go to the restroom to calm myself down a bit. Mrs. Acacia left her cubicle again some moments after sending the email. She's been disappearing quite often since this morning. Only coming back for a short time or when someone is looking for her.
Not long after that, I overheard Camelia confiding to Moraea, two cubicles away from me. She's expressing how upset she is about how the job was being taken away. She tells her it's disappointing to receive the email where her name was in it, talking about the job she's handling, without anyone telling her in advance.
"Can you imagine my surprise? I knew it all from an email", she tells Moraea. She seems unhappy about it. I feel bad for her. I want to say, "Me too. This is surprising for me too. Mrs. Acacia didn't tell me about the announcement either. She just made the decision on her own. I don't wish for any of this to happen.". But I feel like I enable it to happen. And I feel so bad about it I couldn't say a thing.
When Mrs. Acacia returns to her cubicle and notices that Camelia is around, she says, "Oh Camelia, you're here. Don't forget to teach Athen". "Yeah, sure, Mrs. Acacia. I will do it this evening", Camelia respond. Looking somber. Unable to even let out a forcing smile.
Camelia turns to me. "Let's do it after office hours. Are you free at 6 p.m?" she asks. "Yes, I am", I reply to her. "Okay, until then", she said. Then she goes back to her cubicle.
I begin to get very upset with Mrs. Acacia. Not just because of the anxiety and distress her decision and action cause me. But also because now I feel bad for the impact it has on a colleague who's not supposed to be a part of all these troubles.
In the early evening, Camelia comes to my cubicle and puts a stack of paper on my desk. "Oh, so this is the documents?" I ask her. "A small part of them. If you can help me. There are some more." she requested a hand. "Yeah, sure", I'm while following her to her cubicle.
At the end, I have two piles of paper on my desk, each nearly half a meter in height. "So... this is all?" I asked Camelia. "There still some more. But still in the envelopes. I need to sort them out first. I'll give it to you later.", said Camelia. "Oh.... uh.. okay", I said. Earlier, when I asked if there was a lot to be done, she kept saying not that much. This is what she meant by not that much?? I'm literally buried in paperwork.
Around 6 p.m, the handover begins. My only consolation for the day is when Camelia says some kind words about my ability to grasp the explanation well. "I like teaching you. You're absorbing everything so quickly", she said. She seems happier than this afternoon, and I'm hoping what happened earlier no longer bothers her.
She also shares how she usually handles the job. "I usually spare a day or two focusing only on doing this every week", she said. 'a day or two? I'm not even sure I can spare an hour or two each day, I thought to myself. The nature of our jobs is very different. She's mainly handling projects. So the workload isn't that heavy unless there's an ongoing project. While I deal with the day-to-day administrative and, new tasks arrive in my email every minute.
"When I'm busy with projects, I sometimes put this job on hold until I have time to do it. The important thing is to finish them all before the monitoring report is out. The report is once a month in the first week. I usually remind the sales team to send the documents a week before I send the report. Anything that comes after that will be reflected on the following month's report", she added. Once the handover finished, we both headed back to our cubicles.
I finish my main job before 7 p.m and begin to do my new task work. While I'm trying to focus, Ms. Heather approaches and talks from the cubicle on my front.
Ms. Heather: "You're not going back home yet?"
Me: "Not yet. Still got few things to do."
Ms. Heather: "But your teammate and boss have gone home."
Me: "Yeah, their job for the day is done."
Ms. Heather: "All those are your job? Noone helps you with that?" (referring to the piling paperwork beside me)
Me: "This is not a team job. This is my job."
"Mmmmm.... ", she makes a sound. Staring at me and the piling paperwork for a few seconds before walking to her team.
That late evening I got a severe headache. It feels like my head is about to explode. I can't imagine how things would go if this situation continues. I've been working on the new task work for around an hour, and I haven't even finished a ten of them. Camelia said she receives new envelopes every day. So there will be more work to come frequently. And I don't know if it's possible to finish them all within the SLA.
But of course, what makes the situation much worse is that I feel alone in this. Mrs. Acacia was still in her cubicle when Camelia came to put the stack of papers on my desk. She only glanced and didn't express the slightest surprise about the workload or sympathy on how I was gonna do all those work.
There's no sign of work rearrangement. It means I will still have to do all my current responsibilities. Our work is mainly handling email queries. There's another person on the team other than me and Mrs. Acacia. Glaucus. The two of us usually divide the email handling hours into two in the first week of the month, when the workload is at its lowest. Before and after the lunch break. We're alternating every three or two hours in the following weeks, depending on the workload. And in the last week, when we receive more than a thousand email queries a day, we're alternating every hour, and Mrs. Acacia would also help take a turn.
Other than that, I also handle the documents sent or given by the sales team. Record them on the logbook before sending them to the other department. There are also pending and returned documents from the other department to be sent back to the sales team. The documents and reports got to be maintained daily. Glaucus also occasionally receive documents and makes a monthly report based on them.
"You got to do all those??" Glaucus said with his mouth open at the end of the sentence when he saw the piles of paper on my desk. "Yeah", I responded to him while checking on the paper and seeing each of the documents consist of a single piece of paper. Then he shifted his gaze back to his monitor. Both he and Mrs. Acacia acted like it was perfectly normal to see two piles of paperwork that high on my desk waiting to be worked on. Somehow, they managed to separate themselves completely from my difficulty.
Both of them have gone back home before six. Mrs. Acacia just came back again to her cubicle a few minutes before five. Tidying up her desk and went out with her bag 10 minutes after. Still not saying a word to me. Doesn't seem to care about my struggle. Leaving me here, bottling up all kinds of thoughts and intense emotions I try to run away from. At this point, I'm not even sure if she's really trying to accommodate my wish or just wants to punish me.
I'm upset, mad, hopeless, helpless, disheartened, dispirited, sad, miserable, and depressed. But I don't know how to express them all or if I have the right to do that. I feel like all that happens is on me, and I deserve that. But I didn't ask for this. This isn't what I meant with a challenge. I was talking about the kind of work where my analytic and problem-solving skills can find good use and have an environment to develop. All the paperwork that's just coming. They're just another tedious work in a different form.
When I talked to Mr. Orpheus the other night, he asked what caused me to submit the resignation letter. I told him, "My job. It's monotonous. It feels dull. I'm after something different. Something that involves analytic skill or where I can learn other new skills". That's when he offered me a position on Mrs. Bletilla's team.
Mrs. Bletilla has two team members. Camelia who's focusing on project-based work. And Paris, who's handling the administrative matter.
Mr. Orpheus said he would do a minor restructuring for the two teams. Switching between Paris and me. So then, all the administrative jobs will be under Mrs. Acacia's supervision. While Mrs. Bletilla's team will be focusing on projects. And I would be working in tandem with Camelia until I develop the required skill and knowledge to handle projects on my own.
But now, here I am. Has just been gifted with a whole bunch of paperwork. Did I not say my expectation clearly, or do they not care enough about my concern?
How did my clear message get lost in translation? What do I do now? How will I survive this when none of my team seems to care about my adversity? Not even Mrs. Acacia, who always gives me an impression as someone who would put work responsibility above personal feelings.
Now she seems to be more interested in giving me lessons. It's as if she's waiting for me to surrender and admit I was wrong for trying to look for another opportunity. My heart gets hardened when I think about it. And I think to myself, I will not give her the satisfaction of seeing me give up.
My heart is pounding, and I can't think straight. But I still try to focus on finishing some more of the paperwork. Minimizing the amount I got to do for days after as much as I could. After a while, my eyes get strained, so I look away from the computer screen.
I see Ms. Heather, who's already back in her office and now seems to be focused on her work, and think about what happened earlier. Apparently, I'm not that alone here. Someone does care about how I'm doing.
I go to the restroom to separate myself from the stressful environment. When I get back to my cubicle, I look at the piles of paperwork standing tall beside me and sigh. Staying here and doing some more work may not be effective under this circumstance. I decide to go back home. Trying to find some clarity on how to navigate through this situation.
I'm now in some kind of "cold war" with Mrs. Acacia. She hasn't said a thing to me, and neither do I to her. If this is the way she wants to do it, then let's do it. Whatever. I'm here to do my responsibility. Why does it bother me if she doesn't care about my struggle? She wants to punish me? Wants me to regret trying to take a step? I'll show her I'm not easily bent.
Aaarrrggh... thiiss... Yes, I wasn't supposed to bypass her. But do I deserve this? I didn't say a single bad word about her. When Mr. Orpheus asked if I had complaints about her, I said nothing but good things. I'm very dedicated to my job. And she acknowledged that. She knows I always go above and beyond. But this is the way it goes now? Fine. Whatever. I should just focus on what I got to do.
I have lunch in the front meeting room with some friends during lunch break. Mrs. Bletilla curiously joins us in the room that noon. It's very uncommon. She usually would eat her lunch in her cubicle. Camelia and friends who usually eat in the room go out to eat that lunch break. I suppose they find somewhere away because Camelia wants to have a private conversation.
We all sit surrounding the round table. Mrs. Bletilla sits near the door, and I sit across her. Nemesia sits on my right while Edelweiss and Rose are on my left. The three of them have the regular chit-chat as they have meals while I'm just eating and watching them interact as usual. Mrs. Bletilla also not talking. When we all have finished our meals, Mrs. Bletilla begins to speak, and the conversation gets a little different.
"You got to talk to Mrs. Acacia. It's impossible for you to do all those works yourself". Mrs. Bletilla says gently but firmly while staring at me. Her thoughtfulness touches me. But I only smile, not sure of what to say. "I've talked to Orpheus, and he agreed that you're not supposed to handle all that". I only listen. Staring at her, then at the table. "Mrs. Acacia shouldn't have done that to you. That's rough. Seriously, you got to talk", she said. "Hmmm... yeah", I make some sound, still not sure how to respond to the conversation. I know she's right. But talking to Mrs. Acacia when she gives me the cold shoulder? Admit defeat and look incapable? Aaahhh... I'd rather not.
"I'm not gonna be here much longer. Please do it while I'm still here.". Mrs. Bletilla's parting announcements surprise me.
"You're leaving? When? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? I thought you enjoy working here" I unintentionally bombarded her with questions in the midst of my surprise.
Mrs. Bletilla is different than other supervisors. She tends to be modest. Neither bossy nor boastful about her position. She likes to keep a low profile. And unlike almost everyone else in the department who express their wish to leave their position every now and then, she seems to be in her zone when she's at work. Also, as far as I know, she's close with Mr. Orpheus. They seem to be on the same vibe and get each other well. So this news really comes as a surprise to me.
"Yes. I'm not gonna be here much longer. I'm going somewhere. That's why you got to talk to Mrs. Acacia. I talked to Orpheus this morning. About you. Yesterday I teared up because of my team member. This morning because of someone else's team member. I know how Acacia is. What she does to you isn't right. I don't like it." Mrs. Bletilla begins to get emotional.
I switch my gaze between her and the table. I never thought she put that much concerned about my situation. I only stare at her. Trying to find words to express what I feel. Suddenly the corner of my eyes catches Nemesia wiping her eyes.
Nemesia just recently joined the department. She's not a part of any team but works independently on a project-based task. She's a close friend of Edelweiss and usually joins us during lunchtime.
"Why are you crying? Oh, don't cry, please." I turn to Nemesia with a tear running down my face.
Nemesia chuckled with teary eyes. "I can't... Mrs. Bletilla is crying. You're crying too" she says while wiping her tears.
"I can't... If I see someone I know crying...". We look at each other and laugh.
"Oh, you, seriously... I've been trying to hold it back". I look at her while laughing. Trying to stop the tears that are still flowing down my cheeks.
"Seriously... don't cry anymore", I request her.
"You stop first", she said.
"How do I do that when you're still crying? Ahh.. I can't be here."
I look at Mrs. Bletilla. She has already gotten herself back together. "Talk to Acacia. Do you want me to talk to her?".
I only smile. "When are you leaving? Who am I gonna ask about the new task later if you're no longer here?" I ask her.
I still can't believe she's really going to leave. Other than a part of Camelia's job, I also need to handle a task that was previously handled by Mrs. Bletilla. It's similar to the one handled by Camelia, just a different business line.
"I'm gonna submit my notice within this week. You'll be alright. I'm sure you can do it."
It's not the task that occupies my mind right now. "You haven't submitted the letter yet? It's a one-month notice?"
"Mmm... yeah... pretty much."
"Hmmm.. What's going on? Why suddenly think about leaving".
"It's not sudden. The talk was already there. Orpheus knew. I just want to be sure of something before submitting my letter."
"Hmmm.... really?"
"Yes. Talk to Acacia" Mrs. Bletilla try to convince me once again.
I only smile. Lunchtime is about to end, and we all go back to our cubicles.
The conversation this noon makes my heart feels warm and a little lighter. I'm touched by Mrs. Bletilla's thoughtfulness. But I also don't want her to continue worrying. It narrows down my choices to two. Either I talk to Mrs. Acacia with the hope she will make some work arrangements, or I figure out a way to deal with this situation effectively.
I log in to my computer and begin to work. There are not too many emails that day, so I can work on the new task. Mrs. Acacia returns from lunch before lunchtime end, while I'm busy with the documents. She looks at me for a while before staring back at her monitor. Unlike yesterday, she spent most of her time today in front of the computer.
In the late afternoon, while sorting the document, I hear Mrs. Acacia speaking to me.
"How are you doing, Athen? All work is good?"
"Yeah, Mrs. Acacia," I answer her while turning my head to her before going back to sort the document.
She asks me to come closer and tell me Mr. Orpheus has given her a new responsibility. She told me about Mrs. Bletilla's upcoming resignation and that she will be overseeing Paris and a new team member, Edelweiss. Camelia will be under Mrs. Evanthe's supervision.
Mrs. Acacia also says she wants to rearrange my job desk. The part of my new tasks that were previously handled by Camelia will be given to Edelweiss. So I will only need to handle the one that Mrs. Bletilla does, which is a whole lot less compared to the other one.
"Really?" I ask Mrs. Acacia with a big smile on my face.
"Oh, you're happy. You're so happy, arent' you?" Mrs. Acacia teases me while playfully putting her open palm on my face.
I laugh. "I am! When will it start?"
"Soon. I'm drafting the announcement of the PIC change now. When can you teach Edelweiss about it?"
"Anytime. I can do it this evening if she wants."
"hahaha.. let's give her time to relax today. She will have a lot to do starting tomorrow. So, tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure." I'm still wearing the big grin on my face. Feeling so relieved about what I've just heard.
"So, here's the draft I just said". Mrs. Acacia shows an email draft on her computer. I read through it all.
"Okay, all good"
"Look at that enthusiasm on your face. You're ecstatic, aren't you?"
"😅 I am!"
"Don't forget you still have to handle the other business line."
"Oh, don't worry about that."
"Oh, what a smug." 😄
"hahahaa''' 😝
Mrs. Acacia sent the email to the sales team of the related business line in the evening. Signifying that tomorrow will come the day when I no longer have to worry about having a workload that is impossible to be finished.
Mrs. Acacia goes home around six. I stay for three hours more. Working on the new task as much as possible. Despite staying at the office longer than yesterday, my heart feels lighter. I'm stirred to reduce the number of paperwork that needs to be handed over to Edelweiss tomorrow so she wouldn't be so shocked.
It was Water Lily. The girl who sang the other night when I was in Mr. Orpheus's office. I asked around, and her team member said it was her. I also heard her singing again after that night. She comfortably sings since the evening nowadays. I like listening to her singing. It's refreshing. Though I don't understand most of the songs she sings.
Water Lily is... different. She radiated that atmosphere from the start. And I notice it. Well.. who wouldn't? It was somewhere in May. The first time she stepped into the office. The fourth week of the month. The time when hundreds of emails from the sales team would start flooding my mailbox. But her presence on the floor is not something you would fail to notice.
That morning I got an email from the HR department about a new employee joining the company. Oh yeah, I still remember that day. Cause she caught my attention even before I first saw her. I opened the email and saw the picture of a girl wearing red, smiling at the camera. Her name was written next to her photo.
Not long after, I heard one of her peers introduce her to everyone in her division. The three divisions on our floor are separated by partitions. I sat next to the partition that separated our division. And there was one of her division members sitting right in front of me without any partition between us. So when she got introduced to that employee, I could get a clear view of her.
She was wearing red on her first day at work. That's pretty bold, isn't it? And she's just as feisty as the impression she didn't mind proclaiming. I had been there for around a year and had seen some employees being introduced. But she's just different.
Her smile, her attitude, the expression on her face. She greeted everyone cheerfully yet looked so collected. She was standing there with a smile on her face, greeted her colleague kindly, paying attention to what was said to her.
When she was being introduced to the one colleague sitting in front of me, her peer took some moment to direct her attention to our division and gave her a brief idea about us. I took a glance, and for a moment, I thought she would call me, try to say or ask something.
The thing is, most of the time, I don't feel comfortable with social interaction. Unless with people I know well. So when that thought crossed my mind, I just wanted to hide behind the monitor in front of me. But since I couldn't, I just became super focused on what I did.
But though I tried not to pay attention, that girl radiated an energy that was so one of a kind. She was cheerful and vibrant. At first, I wasn't even aware that she belonged to the accounting department.
Maybe that's also why it was memorable. Because it was confusing. I remember thinking to myself, 'Why does someone from the accounting department introduce a new employee from the CS department? Is her peer too busy to do that for her?'.
And, of course, there was some kind of disbelief. Her? The one who got hired for the position I didn't even have the confidence to proceed? I mean, yeah... We can't judge a book by its cover. But her? Isn't she... too cheerful? I'm not saying accountants are supposed to be gloomy. It's not like me to stereotype people, and I'm not doing it. But, you get what I mean, don't you? They don't usually look that lively.
When I first joined the company, so many colleagues said, "Welcome to the jungle". Almost everyone said that phrase to me like it was a normal greeting for a new employee. As a greeting when they first met me, during lunch break, when we met in the pantry, and some even when they saw me at the restroom.
I was wondering, was I entering a lion dent or something? The look in their eyes, the way they said it, it's just so suspicious. When I asked why they said it, they responded, "you'll see". And yeah, I saw it.
It was only a week after I joined the company I felt I was entering a lion dent. I got scolded by the head of the sales team. The way he got angry... you would feel like you were ruining the whole company. Luckily, my boss jumped to my defense, so I didn't get eaten. But as I walked back to my cubicle, I felt like my soul was being taken. Like I just met a dementor.
At a later time, I knew that it wasn't just me. Even someone who'd been there for more than five years would look soul-less coming back from his office. Over time, I started to get used to the situation. No such thing happened again. Maybe I'd learned to be some kind of a Tarzan.
Every now and then, when I see a new employee, they usually display similar behavior, especially the fresh graduate ones. They tended to be more careful with their words and action. It's like when you just know someone or a group of people, and you still try to get an idea of what kind of person they are.
Apart from your personality, you tend to be more careful. You don't want to slip into saying something people find unacceptable. Because you don't know them yet, and they don't know you yet. And in a work environment, I suppose some people find it even more important not to let others get the wrong idea about them.
Social interaction is never my strong suit. Regular interaction with people I don't know well usually makes me feel overwhelmed. So I never care enough about what impression I make on others. Most of the time, I just wish I'm invisible.
For me, as long as I do nobody wrong, that should have been fine. But I know that building rapport is a common thing people do. So when a person doesn't care about making a good impression either, I find it intriguing.
I usually meet Water Lily in the pantry in the morning when we fill our water bottles. Usually, I go there with a friend. But this morning, I went there alone. She stepped out of the pantry when I was about to enter. She asked me a question that I first thought was merely done out of politeness. So I answered it lightly.
But then she made a remark that I found surprising. It wasn't a clear-cut thing. But the way she said it, the expression on her face, I could tell what she was trying to say. And it's something that I bet many people I knew had ever thought about. But none of them had ever had the courage, or maybe, the audacity to say that to my face, even just subtly.
And there she was. Someone who just recently joined the company. Someone I never even had a conversation with. Had the guts to say something like that. You know, the look she had on her face, it was as if she was saying, '...I knew...!'. That was intense. And yet, was done effortlessly. Somehow, she managed to look innocent.
The other day when I first saw her, she looked so benign. To the point that I, for some moment, was wondering if they hired the right person to deal with the tough nature of the accounting department. Her predecessor didn't even pass the probation period. But then they replaced her with someone who was looking out of place. She just seemed too bright and cheerful to deal with what might come.
But I guess first impression couldn't say it all. Time revealed that she's also feisty and tough. Not just in appearance but also in attitude. It's not just the way she interacts with others. But also the dedication she put into her job. She always comes very early in the morning. And one of the last to go back home. Whenever she's in front of the computer, she's always so focused.
When the evening comes, when it's almost time for the great and fiery sun to set, she's rising to a new level. She begins to sing heartfeltly. And she does it while continuously maintaining focus on her job. A jungle? She makes the workplace looks like an amusement park! A place where you'd spend a lot of time having some fun.
Are we experiencing the same rides and attractions here? Cause it seems to me that many of us look like they just got out of the haunted house. Troubled, drained in energy, and ready to go home before the workhour even ended. But she seems like she can spend the whole day here and still look energized at the end of it all.
And even if... even if the work environment really is a jungle, she must be on top of the food chain. Not in the way she's a predator out there looking for prey. Not in the way she's on top of the company hierarchy or likes to boss people around. But she has strong energy and always looks so carefree.
And there's this thing. It's not the snobbish attitude of walking around the place as if she owns it. Or bragging about things as if she's of higher importance or better than others. But she's very confident, and she doesn't try to hold back her words. And as annoying as it can be at times, it also established a sense of her authenticity, which is a quality I value in a person.
As much as I like being around people, I favor my solitude. I usually don't talk much, but I enjoy the moment when I'm surrounded by other people. When I want to have a moment with myself only, I will detach myself from the crowd.
Coming early to the office before anyone else arrived or taking the stairs instead of the elevator are some of the ways. But ever since Water Lily came, I no longer had those moments as much as I had before.
Well.. you know... the retention doesn't go the way I thought it'd be. The implementation of the plan doesn't go like what was said. It was surely a challenge, but not the kind I thought it'd be. They had me busy with a loaded task. Honestly, it made me wonder if they were trying to make me stay or trying to punish me. >,<
Even so, I kinda have a mixed feeling about being here. On one side, I feel disappointed because it's pretty much the same kind of job as what I have in hand. But on another side, somehow, I'm pretty impressed by what Mrs. Acacia is willing and capable of doing to make me stay. I appreciate efforts of any kind. So even though things are getting more burdening than before, I stay.
I don't feel good about my situation, but I never talk about it to anyone at the office. Maybe I'm gonna talk about my problem once I've overcome it, but I don't like talking about something that bothers me while I'm still struggling.
I'm basically not an emotional person, but even for someone like me, when I feel like I have to deal with a difficult situation because of someone, I may not be able to be objective when talking about it. And if I talked to anyone at the office when I'm in this state, they could get it wrong.
At this point in time, I see Mrs. Acacia as a workaholic kind of person. There's a lot of pressure to be on her team. But it's satisfactory, too, since she always gets the job done and makes sure her team does the same. She's tough. Maybe too tough.
Perhaps because of that, some of her peers are not really fond of her. Or maybe it's because she's the one every sales team would go to whenever they have some problems. Whatever the reason is, she's not very likable on the floor. I don't want to give anyone a reason to dislike her or validate their biased perception of her. So I keep my struggle to myself.
Actually, I ever tried to talk about it. But then I realized that the result was pretty much what I said before. You know, when I talk about my problem with someone, I'd be glad if the person I talk to show some support. But the kind of support that I need is not the one where they would take sides.
I don't need them to take sides. And as much as I would appreciate it, I don't need their advice in such circumstances. If I need advice, I would ask. I don't need someone telling me what to do.
All I need is for them to understand. I just need them to listen and understand that I'm in a very unpleasant situation and what decision it possibly would lead me to. At that time, they can be supportive.
But if I talked to someone about something that bothers me, and they go like, "Yeah, yeah, I know.. she's a bad person, isn't she?". It wouldn't make me feel better. It would make me feel worse.
Because I don't want to turn someone against another. Nobody should do something like that. If we do that, we might live in a world full of cynical people who feel negatively toward each other. Life's not going to be beautiful that way.
If I talk to someone about a difficult situation I got to go through, I don't do that to make people think negatively about those involved or those that put me in that situation. I hate the situation, I hate the fact that her action put me in adversity, but I don't hate her. I just don't like what she does.
However, under such a strong negative emotion, it's possible that I would think negatively about her. But I don't need anyone to validate that thought. If I'm astray, I would expect someone to get me back on the right track, not to let me stay on the wrong path.
When I'm going through a difficult situation, basically, what I need is someone who's willing to understand what I'm going through and the action or decision that I am possibly gonna take in my attempt to overcome that situation without letting me be consumed by negative thoughts. And yeah, I know that maybe it's too much to ask, so I never ask for it. Anyhow, me talking about it, isn't going to do any good to either me or Mrs. Acacia.
So, to keep my spirit up, I come up with a very simple morning routine. Looking out the window. I come very early to the office before others arrive to enjoy the serene atmosphere of the office. Then I go to the pantry, fill up my water bottle, walk to the corner, and start to stare out the window.
I always try to come very early in the morning to enjoy the serene and peaceful atmosphere of the office before everyone else comes and the hustle-bustle begins. Freeing myself up from any thought that could make working becomes heavy. That way, I can always perform very well despite how I feel about the situation.
Sometimes, while I'm doing my morning routine, Water Lily enters the pantry. At first, since I didn't know her, I didn't even turn back to look at her. I noticed she entered the pantry, she didn't say any greeting, so I just let her do whatever her business was while I continued my morning routine.
Actually, the first time we met in the panty, it wasn't just the two of us. It was when I was going there with my friend, Rose. She was the one who had a chit-chat with little Water Lily while I was only watching them in silence.
Unlike me, Rose is good at socializing. She could converse with just anyone. It was only after that I started to have direct interaction with Water Lily. Though I wouldn't say, it was a pleasant one. Yeah, it was when she made a bold comment the other morning.
That morning, I came early as always. But unlike usual, I didn't wait for Rose. I went straight to the pantry to fill my water bottle. It was a busy day, and I wanted to start working as soon as possible.
We happened to stumble across each other just out of the pantry. Water Lily noticed my presence and asked, "Where's Rose?". "I don't know. Seems like she hasn't come yet", I replied. Then she said, "Oh.. Usually where there's you, there's Rose". I found it surprising. It's not what she said. It's the way she said it. She said it as if there was "something" between Rose and me. Then she just left. I was stunned for a moment before I entered the pantry.
I know I'm not full of feminine attributes, and I'm already used to being treated less like a girl. Eerr.. not really, actually. No one ever treats me less like a girl. But I'm already used to some strangers mistaking me as a boy when they only took a glance. I'm already used to people commenting on my appearance and such.
When I was in college, I even overheard a friend whispering to another friend, "is she straight?". I didn't look at them, but I could guess who they talked about.
Perhaps, almost everyone who knew me ever questioned the same thing at least once. Well... Can't blame them, considering the way I look. Though I guess that perception changes once they get to know me better.
They usually would start to realize that I'm just someone who cuts my hair the way it feels more comfortable for me and uses the clothes I'm comfortable wearing. It's usually when they start to be aware that I speak rather softly and am more of a quiet person. Especially when they knew that I do cooking and can even crochet.
It's usually surprising to them. Suddenly they would feel like I'm more of a woman inside than they are because many of my friends wouldn't cook unless they really have to. That's kinda funny, you know. Seeing how their perception of me slowly changed after they first stereotyped me.
Well... I guess I'm not really the kind of person anyone can stereotype. I normally speak rather softly and am more of a quiet person, but I can get furious when being treated or seeing some unfair act.
When in groups, I'm the kind who listens. I would let others say their wishes, make the plan, and I would follow them. But when I'm among people who have no idea of where to go or what to do, I'd be the one to make the plan. And as much as I like being around people, I favor my solitude.
I wouldn't have any problem exploring the neighborhood or an area all by myself. When I was a kid, I learned to cook, crochet, and DIY stuff. I also learned martial art, played with toy guns, and climbed the roof. I like playing cards just like I like outdoor activities.
So, I guess I'm a bit of this and a bit of that. If people try to stereotype me, I'm not sure that would work well. Oh, btw, I'm not good at cooking. I just don't mind going through all the processes to make some delicious food. What some people find bothersome, I find fun. And it's rewarding for my mouth and stomach too.
Anyway, I'm kinda used to being stereotyped due to my appearance. But that morning was the very first time someone said something like that right to my face.
Perhaps I was just wondering about something that didn't even exist. But if I didn't. If she did try to say something implicitly, she's good at it. It was so subtle. So subtle to the point that made me question myself. You know.. that maybe I was just being overly sensitive.
But that doesn't sound like me. Though it is still possible. But still... And like I said, it wasn't because of the words. It was the way she said it, the look on her face.
As I was filling my water bottle, my mind was occupied with the thought of what just happened. 'What was she up to?', 'Why did she say something like that? We didn't even know each other'.
It wasn't a pleasant experience. But I must say, I'm impressed. Water Lily is surely very bold. But when I saw her this morning, she looked like a totally different person.
I commuted using public transportation this morning. I got off the main road and walked to the building. While I was about to enter the building, a black accord stopped in front of the lobby. Water Lily stepped out of the car. Strangely, instead of entering the building, she took a turn to the other side of the car.
She got off from the left side, briskly walked to the right side, and opened the door. I walk past her and enter the lobby, wishing that she wouldn't catch up.
I wasn't in the mood to allow a stranger to make a conversation with me, especially if it would be an offensive one. But as I walked past her, I was kinda thinking of her weird behavior.
I mean, why didn't she do whatever her business was inside the car instead of taking a turn outside the car like that? That's really uncommon. So strange.
While I was waiting for the lift to open, apparently, she approached from behind. I noticed her reflection approaching the lift. She was wearing a yellow t-shirt and already had her nametag hung around her neck.
Once she stood beside me, I took a look at her and smiled. I thought she would greet me, say something, whatever it would be. But she was just smiling and looked a bit coy. And I got surprised once again.
Where's the girl that courageously asked me a bold question? The girl that stood beside me this morning looked.. reserved and shy. She was only smiling back at me and saying "hello". I felt relieved that she didn't say anything unpleasant.
But that moment when I saw her that morning left an impression on me. It's just.. you know, the other day she made me feel uncomfortable, and suddenly, she looked so harmless.
It's more than just that. Her smile... That's kinda bright my day. Okay, maybe that's an overstatement. But it pretty much changed my perception of her, and it piqued my curiosity.
I'm not sure how to say it, but.. you know, she's kinda fickle. At least that's how it looked to me. Because we both always come early in the morning, the frequency of us stumbling across each other in the pantry when there are only the two of us is pretty high.
But since we didn't know each other at first, we only smiled at each other when we met without even saying a word. And yeah, it was after that moment when she surprised me with her bold question. Kinda odd, but I liked it that way. No surprising words that bothered me in the morning.
One day, she started to greet me. She was already in the pantry that morning. While she was filling up her water bottle, I approached. Seeing her still hadn't finished, I just waited behind. She was looking out the window, so she didn't notice me.
After she was done with her water bottle, she turned back. When she realized I was right behind, she said hello. I smiled at her and replied with a hi. That was sweet. And interesting. She said hello. That's uncommon here. People usually say hi. It feels more casual. But she said hello.
The other time when a similar scenario occurred, it didn't end the same way. I approached her and just stood behind her without saying a word. Once her bottle was full, she turned back, looked surprised, and said, "oh, scare me standing behind me without saying anything".
Seeing her reaction, I was also quite surprised. I didn't expect that. I thought I would hear a hello or a least see her smile. But she looked bothered that morning.
Strangely, it concerned me. That I might bother her. It's strange because usually, I wouldn't easily get affected by a single action or a single event. Let alone when the person involved was someone, I barely know. It's just... She behaved differently than before without any precedent. So once again, she got me thinking.
As I was filling my water bottle, I wondered if I had done something that I shouldn't have done. What was different that morning? Did I really do something? But I couldn't think of any. So I just conclude that maybe she was just not in a good mood. The next time we met, she just greeted me again as usual.
One morning, I saw her in front of the elevator when I was going to the restroom. She sat near the security guard with her teammate, Buttercup. Both of them were buying some food.
As I walked near them, Buttercup told me that Water Lily didn't know what chicken feet were in our native language. Then she laughed. Suddenly, Water Lily looked so embarrassed. She blushed and asked Buttercup to stop it in a tone and expression I'd never seen before.
I was just smiling and then entered the restroom. But some questions popped up in my mind. Was that the same girl that boldly asked me a subtly offending question the other day?
The very same girl that looked bothered when she saw me the other morning? How could she behave so differently? Obviously, she wasn't comfortable with what Buttercup said.
Under such a circumstance, people would usually explain themselves or say something to make them feel less nervous or embarrassed. But that girl...
Even though she looked so red when she was not even wearing red, she merely asked Buttercup to stop and tried to contain the feeling herself. And I don't know why, but it makes her look endearing.
That morning I started the workday with another morning routine. But I wasn't just standing at the corner of the pantry and looking out the window as usual. My phone was in my left hand. I was facing out the window with my gaze steady on the phone. The conversation between a friend and me was displayed on the screen.
Water Lily entered the pantry, but I didn't turn back. I was focused on my phone. Looking at the conversation on the screen. She didn't say anything anyway. So I thought she would just clean her bottle and fill it before going back to her cubicle.
I was so surprised when suddenly, she already stood right beside me. Looking in the direction I was looking at, which was my phone. And said, "What are you looking at?". I was startled. I didn't say a word and quickly took my phone out of sight.
Oh my... that girl... I have a serious problem with her. She's friendly. But way too friendly. So exactly when was it that we became friends? We're just two people working in the same place who often stumble across each other in the pantry. And I'd like to keep it that way unless we have some conversation prior to more surprising occurrences.
But seriously... She knows no border. That subtly offending question. That's already yesterday's story. But then another occurrence happens again. Maybe it wouldn't be a problem had I not had my phone in hand at that time. But the situation made it a whole different story.
What exactly was she trying to do? Did she try to connect with me or something? I wouldn't mind growing my circle at all. But that's not the way. It should be done in a way where both feel comfortable doing that.
I like friendly people, but not that much for overfriendly people. Or maybe she just likes to blurt something out of nothing. Whatever it was, it got me thinking, 'If I don't start to put a wall between us, what would happen next?'.