My Lovely Ranting Corner

Choke.

Take a breath before you choke

Lose the air and lose the blood and

Lose the thoughts rushing through your head

Don’t let go until you’re nearly dead

I love to be unconscious

Sleep is my escape but even dreams

Are littered with problems

Even my subconscious knows something is off

That something is wrong

This head of mine is not where I belong

And yet

It’s home.

I want to go back home

Take be back to when things were normal

Take me back to feeling good

Not misunderstood or overwhelmed

Take me back to before I was used.

I’ve had it all

I’ve had the world

I’ve been a gem

I’ve been a blessing,

Been a light

But I’ve lost it all

That is to say I’ve

Lost myself

Where did she go

If not six feet under?

Where is she now

If not in my grave?

Where can I find her

Dead or alive?

Look in the mirror and

I don’t see her

Who is she now?

Pent up and

Bent to twist and fit into

Someone else’s narrative

Because i failed to make my own

Mine was messy

And it hurt you

I live to love you

And I’m pent up and

Spent up

Used and adored

But then i get bored

Then i go numb

When id like to dumb and

Happy

But instead im

Pent up.

Fighting the tears but

They always win

World champion

If the world is my own twisted mind

But crying’s got a sidekick

We call her obsession

Hyperfixation

I'd rather bash my head

Into a wall

But i choose an alternative

Bash my skin with fingertip blades

And claw my arms to stinging blaze

Claw my legs to red and scars

Hit.

Hit until it bruises

Until my thighs are pretty and purple

I can be my own punching bag.

Get out of my head

Get out of my head

Perfectly imperfect

Leave or talk to me in bed

Or talk to him on his couch

I know that you would love to

You’re me and

She’s inside of you.

Get out of my head.

I say words that you don’t understand

I wish people understood looks or

Silence

I wish they understood these abstract poems

That don’t mean anything

I wish it clicked

I wish they didn’t make me say it out loud

I bounce between self-hatred and

Feeling proud

But what is pride if not confident narcissism

I wish I wasn’t so incompetent

I wish I was more secure

I wish safe was more ensured

Nothing feels safe

No one is sacred

No place is home like hell

I’ve earned this fate

I guess I might as well

Choke.