My Little Public Diary

Guys, wait up! I am like a decade behind! I am not much at all of an internet surfer. I have a few select places I go for entertainment, and everything else I do is work or education. I don't read the news or any "trending" information. Today included a couple of conversations about technology. First, my mom was thinking about finally buying a television, since we can't go to a movie theater much anymore (☹️ I like cheap movie theaters). Except these days they /all/ have mics and cameras and show adds on menues and stuff. They just don't make the simple monitors with maybe some speakers anymore. If we get an old refurbished one, it won't be very good. I will very much miss old tech, like... television monitors. Just monitors. And then my sister had to go and claim that sending people to space is just a normal thing now. What? And that they plan on making a movie in space, with a certain famous actor. Whhat? It's just that casual now, like "ok, you know what, we can trust this thing to not kill this guy ('cept I thought space stuff exploding was still the usual thing) and we can just film some stunts and stuff for a movie up here." Also the whole "we're sending people to Mars soon" thing that I have heard mentioned a couple of times at work. And a vacation space-station, etc... See, /all that/ I would blame on just the media getting excited about made-up stuff every now and then, but I kinda don't know any more. And no, I don't plan on reading a bunch of stuff for hours to try to make sense of it. I just got really disoriented by a time-zip there. Give me a bit for some of the rocket-lag to wear off before we do that again please.

I like remembering the happy memories. Despite being a generally happy person, I very often have trouble remembering the happier moments of my childhood. I will type a few down while I can. For example, I remember the house we lived in, in South Dakota, '06-'07 (also when I was 6-7 years old). I remember Margaret (a modification of her real name), a child just a few months older than me a couple of houses to the left if you were facing the street. I remember biking back and forth across the block in front of our houses. Her dad took the training wheels off of my bike. I remember Ms. Claudia, an elderly neighbor a couple of houses to the right. She had rhubarb in her backyard. She gave me and my sister blankets; mine is still my favorite blanket, and is next to me currently in bed. I remember the playground across the street, where me and Margret used to play, usually while my mom worked on the laptop in the front yard so she could watch me. I remember Margaret had a toy that was similar to one of mine, a wheeled toy dog on a blue cord leash. I was worried about telling them apart, but her toy's leash had many more knots than mine did. I remember us learning from each other what words our households used for "passing gas"; she mentioned someone "farting" and I didn't know what that meant, but once I understand I was like "Oh! Like tooting?" and we both found each other's words funny. I remember one day going up to her door, knocking, and she answers the door wearing the same shirt as I am. We claimed to everyone that day that we were twins. I remember once hearing the ice cream truck when we hadn't heard it in a while, and us synchronously turning to each other and opening our mouths in excitement. I remember she had a pinata at the park for her birthday. I remember that when we were moving, I made her a good-bye card in which I declared that if I could marry her I would, so that we could be together forever. Mom never let me deliver it. I remember pinching my hand in the chain at the swings once, tearing off a piece of skin. It hurt, but I didn't cry until I saw the small prickle spots of blood on the pale background growing and joining to make the wound a "big" patch of blood red. (I don't think it was actually big, but little minds and bodies tend to perceive them as bigger.) I remember when biking, we liked to go as fast as we can and slam on our breaks, and see how long of a skid mark we could leave. I remember one time, when doing this without Margaret, I skid all the way into the middle of the side road at the intersection to the right of our house. I was so scared of mom noticing, since I was not allowed to go into the road or around the corner of the block. I quickly turned around and got back on the sidewalk. Thankfully she never noticed. I remember the young "gardener" neighbor on the corner to the left of our house. She had a bare patch where grass didn't grow under under her trees, and I remember her planting grass seeds there. She was often taking care of her yard when I saw her. I remember once falling off my bike bad in front of her house. I sat there crying for a few minutes until mom ran up. I scraped the skin from both knees, both palms, a bit on the elbows and one hip prominence (maybe the other one a little as well, but the bigger hip scar lasted years). Mom had to patch me up with pieces of cloth or guaze bandaid-taped over the wounds. I remember that was the house in which I discovered the teeny-tiny red spiders (is that what they are?), and where I best learned/cemented in memory mom's phobia of spiders. I remember Ms. Claudia once left Easter eggs on our porch with McDonald's coupons/gift certificates in them. I have so many memories. Too many to type in one go. I am glad when I can access so many, without only remembering the bad or scary parts. I am also kind of glad that I don't wear them out very much; anything has it's pros and cons. I am also super-glad that I got to type out this whole thing without accidentally messing it up. Yay!

Deep Ocean of Sounds on YouTube makes absolutely amazing sound environments. I absolutely recommend listening to them with your best headphones/earpieces in a quiet place. It's amazing. Also I am not supposed to be up this late. I have work tomorrow lol.

The song on my head current is labeled "Unlike Pluto, Mike Taylor - Everything Black". Doesn't have any meaning to me or anything, I just like the sound.

Tonight is one of those nights when it's late (10:00) and I don't even feel ready to sleep yet. These just happen every now and then, but they're inconvenient.

I still cry at least a bit when there is yelling. Doesn't even have to be directed at me, just at someone. Mother yelling? Hide and try to minimize the tearing up. Sister yelling? Sit there and try to not tear up. Excuse myself later. The yelling doesn't happen very often anymore (well, perhaps that doesn't apply to the second one), thankfully. I hope I don't get yelled at bad at work anytime soon. Supposedly it is bound to happen sometimes in my position, but I should be able to brush it off and move on with my workday. I probably could. I guess it sort of depends on the day. Random rambling. Please excuse me.

I don't know yet whether I am apothisexual or demisexual. 🤷😐 Will have to figure it out over time, I guess. (I am just glad that I got around to looking up the proper words, but boy are they little-known ones. Not going to be able to through that in without explaining anyway.)

It's hard not to zone out easily and repeatedly when there was just a fire drill during lunch. "Emergency! Lights, sirens, fire! JK go sit down."

Opened the toilet, found unidentified material without toilet paper. On closer inspection appears to be a lot of scab material. Too much to be just that scrape on her knee. We already know she practices self-injury. Where is it? What part of her body did she hurt this time, and how? My sister, my favorite person in the entire world, is hurting herself, and I don't know how to get her to stop. I have tried; Mom sometimes tries too. Since I got a job, I have sometimes been forgetting how fragile everything always is...

This is probably the best time of my life right now. I now have a job, and a routine; both have enough changes, inconsistencies and new stuff to keep things interesting, but the pattern itself is predictable. I have my own money, and even some to spare after savings, so I occasionally buy myself a treat at the grocery store or my favorite cafe. I am getting along with my coworkers, and making my work invaluable to them. Some of them are even inviting me out as part of a group of friends! (New territory, working on it) Snyder (that guy who hurts my family) has not caused much trouble lately. My mother is making a great income. We are even hoping to be able to take a big vacation in a few months! (Don't jinx it, please...) I am even having some time to have some fun, watching a television show that I chose and like after work while I'm on the bus! Or sometimes I will do some writing for my stories, or just listen to music and think. I am happier than I have ever been, and I am very healthy - I have even been putting on a few pounds (I have always been underweight). My life is currently easy outside of work, thanks to my family's support. I am so glad that I get to experience this. It's amazing. But sadly, it's just as fragile as everything we've ever had. It's going to really suck when something (or someone) happens to disrupt it.