My Journal

I'm mad. I'm mad at my husband for retiring toooo soon !!! He screwed my life up.

I wasn't ready. The decision should have been ours but he initiated it and I didn't speak up like I should have. I'm mad at him and I'm mad at me. If he had hated his job, I wouldn't have wanted him to work there, but he didn't hate his job. He had it set in his mind what HE wanted not what WE wanted. I suggested, working part-time, minimizing his workload. KEEPING OUR INSURANCE. I don't like him for that selfish decision. He had years to contemplate it, to accept it as reality. I got months...maybe a year but even throughout that time, I didn't think he would seriously do it. I HATE him for it and I know hate is a very powerful word. Now, he screwed up our daughter's financial life- well, she's young enough to recover but he screwed her life up and once again, I said my peace and walked away. I can't do this anymore!!!! I've got to stand up for what I believe in. Compromise- sure, accept - of course but continue to give in and regret and be made and REGRET!!!!- no, I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of living this way. He's ruined my dreams. I shouldn't have counted on him to fulfull them and I'm ever so sorry that I did.

Well I finally think I've pinpointed the source of my anxiety. REGRET. A mistake can be regretful, but in the end it's a mistake. A mistake can be fixed or justified. This was not a mistake, this was lack of good judgement, lack of care and concern. This is and will always be REGRET. Unlike mistakes, there is no hindsight with regret. There is no thinking that I should have done this or that. Because regret is something you know that you're committing when you're doing it . You recognize it as regret because you know what you're doing isn't right. Now, I have to live with that and hope that over these next 3- 5 years I can learn how to cope with it. Not quite what I had hoped for at 56 years of age. I realize that my trigger is my conscience and that, regardless of whether it is right or wrong even at 56, that voice inside my head is my dad's. My dad has guided me through life with love and care...sometimes inadvertantly keeping me from living life to the fullest because I wasn't taught how to cope with challenges or how to fix my own mistakes. My dad is that voice inside my head because he was the fixer of my mistakes and this time, this bed is mine and mine alone to lay in. On August 4th I have to face that music; I have to let him down. That's why I can't sleep. Yippee for a whole month I either get sleepless nights or groggy days because I've chosen to take meds to help me sleep. But maybe then after the 4th, after I've thoroughly disappointed him, humilated myself- brought to what is sure to be my lowest point...maybe then and only then can I begin to build myself up. Then and only then can I try to let this go and accept the consequences of my actions. Maybe it's bankrupcy and maybe it's never getting our money back . Regardless, I'll have to live with this until it's done. But maybe after August 4, I'll be able to sleep better because I've faced the enemy within- my conscience. Even though I shat on my charmed life all in one evening of regret, screwed up my kid's future and I disappointed my dad and discredited my future credibitlity with anyone as far as I'm concerned, on August 4th I can begin to heal.

There was a really great discussion today in a positve thinking popup room and it made me realize that I haven't ever really lived intentionally. I may initiate with intension, but I don't follow thru. I let the cards land where they may and then I hope for some miracle to happen. I NEED TO LIVE MORE INTENTIONALLY! I think that's been my problem forever! It's not that I don't take responsibility for my own fate, it's that the responibility I take on is that of bystander in my own life. NOW.... now I get it! NOW...now I understand! NOW WHAT? That's the million dollar question!

I think my biggest fear is disappointing my father and my biggest regret is not walking away from my marriage years ago. But because I am filled with anxiety over decisions, it's also very possible that some of the best decisions I have made in my life are to listen to my father's advice and to stay married. Who the fu** knows. I just know that this has been boiling inside of me for a very long time and for whatever reason it has surfaced, it can no longer and will no longer be buried. It would make life easier if it could, but it can't and I have to move forward.

ANYONE CAN REPLY! :)

Can you do anything at this point to take some control back and maybe get the things you were looking for in a different way?

What was I looking for? I suppose I need to start there.
I wanted to be able to continue to at least maintain the finacial lifestyle we had grown accustomed to living. If I wanted to take my grown kids out for a meal, I did that because it brought me joy. He wants to regulate my spending because he thinks that I went out several times a week...which isn't true. But now he has me so self-conscious about how I spend my money that I'm stressed over any decision I make, or wish to make! I hate him for that! Does he continue to spend money as he sees fit- you bet your butt he does. So, I can't even maintain the financial lifestyle I was used to living, let alone dream of something new like a new refrigerator or a trip. I hate him for that. As he sits around doing NOTHING!!!! I hate him for his selfish decision! He's extremely capable and still young enough to work. SHAME ON HIM!

What can I do to gain contriol? I can go to work and earn some cash to take my kids out, which I'm sure he'll want to regulate...but less face it, my income would never sustain a lifestyle like that. I HATE HIM FOR MAKING THAT DECISION!!!

Are there other things that maybe you can put into another box that aren't as important and can be let go?

I don't know. My fu***** eye is starting to twitch. It hasn't done that for over 30 years. I'm having trouble here. I'm tired, I'm starting to feel hopless and I can't let despair win, I don't want it to win. Sometimes thinking about this crap makes it even worse but I see how thinking about it can help it go away and potentially stay away. I'm tired. I'm TIRED of him making all of the wrong decisions. I'M TIRED OF HIM MAKING ALL OF THE DECISIONS.

my eye won't stop twitching. so i've got to regain control over this anxietyl today i'm going to make up a routine and stick to it. I need to get and stay healthy for me and for my family.

Journal-what am i grateful for- hourly grounding- exercise- meditate- nap- be with people who make me happy- bed

So, I'm beginning my day with my journal. I need to let go of what has kept me up all night! It's so hot here and she doesn't have central ac. she could have bought a house with central ac if she had just waited like I told her to. she didn't listen and now she has to deal with the consquences, but i am too. she's my kid...i worry about her. she's all alone and then i worry about her even more.

All of the extra costs that she's having to shell out for this mistake of a house is killing me. when will she see that this is a mistake and just bite the bullet and TRY to sell this monstrosity? how much longer do i have to suffer? i won't be right in the head until she sells this house or gets a roommate to help her with the financial burden.

One thing I'm grateful for today? a materialistic thing- our ac an emotional thing- the love of my family maybe even a future thing- i am able to work (even though I don't have a job) I'm still physically able to work and I'm really grateful for that!

It's going to be a great day!

Day 2 of taking control of my life.

Yesterday wasn't a bad day. Maybe I'm an extremely entitled person, or have unrealistic expectations, or maybe I suffer from a bit of depression, because finding gratitude isn't easy for.

I went for a meditation walk- yep, there's a youtube for walking and meditating- it was wonderful. I didn't do any exercising beyond that though and I'd like to actually raise my heart rate so I want to add in exercising today.

My husband and I worked well together yesterday and when I gave him room to realize how rude he was to me, he kind of apologized (he never really apologizes, but acknowledging it is the first step to that I hope) Not letting him hurt me- well at least not as much- made my heart feel better (LITERALLY).

I tried grounding exercises on the hour, not easy to remember to do them so I thought on the hour would be easier to manage. I love how I feel after that!!!

THOUGH I WANTED TO - I didnt try to manage my daughters wish to buy a mattress from Amazon Prime- she could go for one- it was a good price- but the decision had to be hers. (There will always be another sale) :)

So, I journaled, found some gratitude, I meditated, I grounded myself, I didnt interfere, I went to bed and slept pretty much through the night.

I'm grateful for the nature that surrounds me in my neighborhood.

Well, the heat and my tummy had me up in the middle of the night...love to be able to report something normal for a change. Unfortuntely the heat and my tummy didn't stop my brain from screaming at me during the middle of the night. I was up chatting on 7 cups for about 40 min. or so because my head is still so very upset with me for not stopping my daughter from making a terrible financial mistake. When will this end?

Back to trying to have a healthier mind.

I didn't do enough grounding exercises yesterday and didn't start exercise exercise. I know I can do more grounding exercises today. (we'll see about the other)
I went on a meditation walk but my connection kept starting and stopping so I didn't enjoy the walk as much as the day before. But it's a simple fix for the future- I have hope that it will benefit me again for many days to come.

My daughter needed my help today and I see from looking back over the several texts we sent to one another this morning, I have a huge problem- always have- I need to control everything. While she was growing up I should I have told her, " Hey you figure this out. I'm here if you need me, but you've got this". Instead, I always took control. I have inadvertently sent her down the exact same crappy mental path my mother sent me down. I'M SO VERY SORRY MY LOVE!!! Her decisions are not mine to figure out. She's 25, still young but old enough to figure her own stuff out. Even if purchasing this house was a HUGE HUGE financial mistake, the amount of growing that is taking place for both her and I has been well worth every penny lost. I truly think that, but my gut HATES losing money.

My husband and didn't fight yesterday- so that is what I am grateful for.
I have the gift of today to try and make my life better- I am grateful for that too.