Mental state

it has been a while i shared anything on this forum.

i came to a realization right now and that is.. i dont remember a time when i was actually happy on a supposed 'happy occasion' be it a birthday, a holiday or even my graduation.

i just feel ...sorta empty, sorta sad.

i am not happy.

i dont love myself

deep down i just really really hope that i am just broken, depressed or traumatized. just some kind of any excuse that says im not just a trashy, lazy piece of shit that is delusional.

my biggest fear is that i am imagining my pain and sadness and that one day i will realize i wasted my best years over nothing.

i am exhausted of fighting myself, of hiding from myself, of hiding myself.

i am tired of me,

as you can see my mental state is not in a good place right now.