M

10th September

It's weird how things can go. How you can technically be surrounded by so many people, yet still feel like you are alone. That's basically what happened today. I was intereacting with lots of different people, but I just felt empty. Like noone actually cared? Some good things happened today, and some awful things happened today. I wish I could focus just on the positives - but at the end of the day I feel so out of it right now, i feel like none of the positives are even worth my time.

I felt backed into a corner today. Maybe not physically, but mentally like I couldn't get away from a conversation I was having and people were slowly closing in on me. Like I had no escape. It got me a little anxious and I had a breakdown in the middle of an event I was meant to be doing. Luckily I got one of my friends to take over. I don't know why it got to me so much - maybe its because of my past. I don't like when I feel like i'm not heard, especially when someone is angry at me - because I already feel like I have to justify even if I've done nothing wrong. So when people ignore that it hurts. Anyway it took a couple of moments, than I was able to continue on the event. I realised that I deserve this. I put myself into these situations. Maybe if I wasn't so stupid, I could of seen this coming and watched out for it.

I honestly don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like my best isn't good enough. I spend hours upon hours working hard for the different things i'm involved in yet it just doesn't show. It will never show. Maybe its about time I start seeing that.

My triggers were really bad today - probably not the best that I had planned the day around things that involved my triggers. I didn't feel like I could back out at the last moment. I managed to push through but now I feel worse than I ever have. My urges are super strong and I feel like all the emotions of the day have come back at once. I know tomorrow I have similar plans, and I really hope my triggers aren't as heightened.

I just wish someone cared, that there was somebody I could speak to about all of this. It's when I realise that I have no people left in my life. Everybody has left. That is down to me. I need to change something. Obviously something is making them turn away. I don't even know anymore.

- M

11th September

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life. I question every single action that I do and I wonder why I am the way I am. Why do I constantly make things worse for myself? Let's just say today didn't go any better. I had a freak out this morning - after a terrible night last night, that ended up me being on the phone to a hotline until I was so exhausted I knew I wouldn't be able to follow through with anything. This morning, I woke up feel frustrated at myself, abandoned by those i thought cared and just overall exhausted with the way things turned out. I was upset that everyone was leaving - I realise I do this to myself, but it still hurts. So, as normal I made things worse and in the midst of my breakdown, i cut 3 of my biggest supports out of my life. By this I mean, I deleted numbers, social medias and blocked them on the main messaging sites we used. I realised at how much I had become to rely on them, how much they knew about me, how close they were getting. But also, how far we were being separated - I knew that the further a part we came, the more upsetting it would be for me to slowly lose the individual's who have had the biggest affect on me. So I jumped ahead and cut connections myself before they could do it to me.

It was super hard, and it will continue being hard - the worse part is I have no one left to speak to now. I realise this is my own fault, I shouldn't of jumped ahead. But the fact that they've known me at my weakest point, that they know my darkest thoughts - terrifies me. I realise that I'm in a dark hole that I can't seem to get out of, everyday my thoughts get darker and my urges get stronger. I'm not sure how much more I can take - and I don't want them to see me fall once again.

Conversations happened today as well, conversations about my future, my responsibilities, basically everything. Some good, some not so good. Like I mentioned yesterday - I really don't like when I feel like I'm not heard, like i'm invisible. People question me about things - and than its almost like they don't hear my answer. That is what happened today, and honestly it sucks! I realise that I'm not the best individual, but I really don't like when people speak for me, and than don't listen to what I have to say - it makes me feel like my opinions are worthless. I just hope one day I can have a conversation where somebody truly listens to what I'm saying, rather than taking words from me and twisting them.

- M

Been a while since I've been around anywhere recently. Things have gone south pretty quickly lol. I can't really explain everything that happened but lets just say i've hit my worse point mentally. I had a break down at the end of November, which involved me looking myself in my tiny university room for 5 days straight. I didn't come out for food or to use the bathroom, and I basically was alone with my thoughts. During that time I took a few pills, but thankfully it wasn't enough to do anything. My flatmates got concerned and contacted my family. They actually betrayed my trust whilst doing it. Shortly before my breakdown, I had gotten an official confirmation from my doctor about my low mood and eating disorder being severe enough to get a diagnosis, and calling me back in. The letter came, and it was in my university room as I was reading it, when my flatmate walked in asking me for something. I quickly gave her what she needed, but in the mean time she had caught eye of the letter and was reading it. She found out about some of the things mentioned and we had a bit of a talk - knowing that she had seen it, I wanted to make sure she knew I was getting help, and also that my family aren't involved. We had a huge heart to heart about the fact my parents aren't supportive and the reason i've kept it to myself for the last 7 years. She agreed that it wasn't the right thing to tell my family, and that she wouldn't. That's what frustrated me - not even a week later she had contacted my family telling them everything the letter said which was so personal.

Anyway, my flatmates also went to my university support team, and I got called in for a meeting - which meant I had to leave my room. I went and told them about what was going on, we arranged some further support options which was good but I was still feeling awful. The flatmate who originally knew everything, then stopped speaking to me - she hasn't spoken to me since the start of decemeber and ignores everytime i try and reach out.

the weekend after, i was feeling super down and alone. My closest flatmate wasn't speaking to me, i felt guilty for worrying my sister, i was making so many mistakes and had so many thoughts going round my head. I then attempted to take my own life. I was crying down the phone waiting for it to work, when I was told paramedics were coming to my accomodation, as a result of my actions. One of my other flatmates, who knew a bit about the situation returned from a night out at this point, and saw my distressed state so stayed with me until the paramedics arrived. They did a bunch of tests, asked me a bunch of questions - most of which i lied to. They decided to give all my medication to the flatmate who had stayed with me, and basically searched my room for anything I could harm myself with, I felt embarrassed and I renember that I was so frantic that night - crying and trying to make sure nobody else in my university accomodation found out what happened.

My eating disorder has also got pretty bad - its not unusual for me to go days without eating - and I exercise at least 3 hours daily, whether it be full on workouts or just a 3 hour walk. My Mental Health Advisor at University has referred me to a treatment facility, I've been recommended to fully commit to a programme but i'm not sure if I could ever volunteer myself into the position. I'm not sick enough for it. I weighed myself for the first time since returning from univeristy a week ago, today. I was surprised. I was sure with christmas, and the need to present to my family everything was okay, that I would of put on weight but turns out i've lost quite a bit, more than I did in a week at univeristy. I know my BMI is unhealthy - but I can't help but think I'm fat. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will change that I am fat. It's frustrating and I'm feeling pretty disheartned even though I ended up losing weight.

Overall been a pretty difficult few months - and I'm just hoping things will go up.

Hey I too face similar situation where I keep losing Friends. I understand how when It happens again and again, we can think it's our fault and yet when we think of the situation we realize we did everything right and still lost them. Then I wonder that is it because of my situation that these people can't stay . I guess it's very difficult sometimes to be honest when it comes to our own situation .we often try to take the blame and try to wrap our mind around why this happens .But there's no necessity for it .just trust yourself and believe in yourself when you did everything yet you lost the friends. Because it's not just you losing them but also them losing you .Loss is on both sides and seems greater on their side considering they lost someone so caring.

New day. New Screw Up. I'm getting exhausted with all of the mistakes i'm making. I try so hard to do everything right, to remain supportive, to be perfect. I hate the fact that i'm not. I hate the fact I make everything worse. Right now the only thing I want to do is cry and cry. I don't think i'll ever be okay again. I don't know why I try anymore. I really think i'm coming to the end of my road.

I'm starting to realise that i should give up on trying to get better. It's been a steady downfall these past couple of months. My eating disorder has gotten worse and worse, to the point i'm on an urgent referral due to my weight and the restriction i have going on. In the past 3 weeks, I have attempted to take my own life 3 times - each one of them failing. I have been eagerly waiting on the appointments, knowing that I want to get better but I can't do it by myself. I'm not strong enough.

I've suffered with my Eating Disorder for 7 years now, and about 1.5 years ago, I thought I had recovered - little did I know that as soon as I reached June, I would fall deep into it again. It's been getting worse and worse since then. On one hand i'm glad I'm losing weight, but the other hand I know that I am worrying everyone around me and it is not normal to faint at the gym. I restrict my diet to 500 calories a day now, and go to the gym twice a day for two hours each - spending four hours a day doing cardio, and trying to burn enough calories. I make myself sick a couple of times a week, to help make me feel better. But nothing ever makes me feel better and at night, I am still left to deal with my horrible thoughts.

I keep being referred onto other people. It started by me speaking to my university team (because my flatmates told them they were concerned about me) and my GP, for headaches I was having. I then got referred to a talking therapy, who referred me on to a service that deals with all mental health services in the area I live in. My University team, also referred me to this service. I then got referred to an Eating Disorder team, had to do loads of tests to get my referral completed, and finally it was complete. Whilst the referral went through they also gave me an appointment face to face, with the team who deals with everything, as well as can help with low mood. It was decided that my Eating Disorder was of urgent concern, and that my referral would be changed to urgent - and that it should be what i focused on at the moment rather than my low mood and self harm. They did say they would prescribe me anti-depressants, something to reduce anxiety and sleep medication but I don't know what came out of that.

Anyway, I just phoned up the ED team to confirm the appointment - and the earliest they can do on an 'urgent referral' is the end of June. I won't even be here in June, and its way too late to start any treatment so I'm at a loss. I know that I can't do this by myself, but I also know it looks like I won't be getting help from others. All other services have discharged me until I complete the ED teams referral - so it means that until June, I will be without support. I feel like I might as well give up now. There's no point in fighting anymore.