Just Venting About The Beautiful/Awful Thing Called Love

tw: mentions of addiction, self harm, alcohol, mental disorders, and themes of manipulation and abuse. read at your own risk, you have been warned.

hey all. callie, host of the blue system here. so...where to start? it seems i have fallen in love with my best friend. she's...the earth and skies to me. just being around her makes me feel like i'm loved, safe, and worthy. she makes me so unreasonably happy. 

I'm not gonna share her name, but let's call her 'Rosaline'. she has the biggest brown eyes, and the most beautiful face. she's got the softest brown hair, and the sweetest, most amazing personality.  she's the only one that i ever miss when i'm not a school. every time she texts me, my heart does a funny little flip, and we feel as if we are floating. 

'Rosaline' has gone through the same bullcrap that we have. she also struggles with depression, anxiety, family issues, and of course...voices in her head. 'Rosaline' may not have all the trauma that i have, but she understands me so well. i can vent to her about how god-awful my parents are, and she can relate. i can come to her and tell her i relapsed, and she'll kiss my hurts. i tell her i'm anxious and dont want to go to class, and she'll take me to the bathroom and we will just talk. 

i know all the above sounds wonderful...but... we also do bad things. 'Rosaline' and i often will sneak out to get drunk and sky high. we will just down booze and pills, and lay there as the sweet concoction numbs the pain. 'Rosaline' shares her knives and blades with me, as my parents lock mine away. i gladly slice myself up and bleed out all the stress. 

'Rosaline' is the only one i've ever had this strong of feelings for. i, callie, want to be by her side, ace wants to obsess and be possessive through me, angel wants us to do more drugs and booze with her. i know it's wrong, but could it be right to feel this good? 

i constantly think about 'Rosaline' and i can hardly sleep, eat, or focus! i'm so helplessly in love that it hurts.

thanks for coming to my ted-talk

love ya, 

callie -💛