Journey to Peace

14th September 2022

I don't really like posting in forums... I feel like I would take up space and time when there are other people out there who are going through worse. Also because my brain calls me an attention seeker or an empathy seeker whenever I consider getting support.

I just wanted to write a few things here, hoping I could understand what’s going on better. This might be long, you don’t have to read this, my intentions are to just type down everything that’s running around in my head. Things might not even be linked together, or they just might not make sense.

Everything just feels crazy. I don't know what to do. I’ve struggled with depression for over a year. But back then I was surrounded by friends and teachers I know and love. Even if they had no clue what was going on, their presence was comforting for me. Now, I'm in a new country, in a new school, surrounded by new people. And I’m struggling with things again, don’t know if it’s depression, but I feel so alone. I have to look okay in front of everyone else, but some days I just can't keep up those smiles and happy tones.

When I do feel happy and hopeful, the next day I feel upset and low. It’s like life puts me back in my place. Like I don't deserve those happy moments. Like I’m not supposed to be happy. I’m not complaining though, I don’t ask for happiness, I just want to feel okay. It’s all unstable like I'm in a boat and storms keep coming and going and I’m never going to reach the shore. I get triggered by things, and then I blame myself for it. People might say I go hard on myself, but I don’t deserve the soft side or care. It doesn’t feel right. People being nice to me feels weird and wrong. I’m not the kind of person who’ll do good with care and positive support. I’ve been downgraded and insulted all my life, and I work just fine in that environment.

If I do validate myself, and feel happy and content with myself, I feel like I get too ahead of myself, too overconfident. Don’t know if it’s true. Don’t know who I am, honestly. I might be faking my feelings, I might be faking my words without knowing it. I don't know, and it makes me frustrated with myself. I don’t want anything bad for anyone, yet whenever I’m around people I don't know if I’m being myself or I’m forming an image of myself so people could like me. If someone would ever ask me what my personality is like, I won’t know how to answer them, I don't know who I am, and what I’m like. Sometimes I wish there could be someone who could just know what I’m truly like on the inside and let me know so I don't overthink all the time.

I invalidate my feelings. I don't feel like they are valid, I know people are out there who are going through worse, and I should be grateful that I’m healthy and okay.

We are settling in and so the school I’m going to is still tentative. And I'm entirely dependent on my father to pick and drop me from there. This means I have to request him every day and make sure he agrees. And if he doesn't, I can't go to school that day, since I have no other way. We are new in a country, can’t trust anyone at the moment, I'm underage so I can't drive a car. My parents would never let me go out myself. My dad was busy today and he didn't agree on picking and dropping me so I couldn't go. I missed my chemistry test. I just started A-Levels and I need to take every class. I’m already so behind everyone. And I need to catch up, I feel anxious, like every second going by is wasting my time and I should be studying instead of doing anything else. But when I do sit to study, I feel lost because I don't know where to start, and when I do start something, I get stuck because I don’t understand how to answer it. I don't know who to ask, I can't keep messaging my friends back there, they are busy with their own things, and I don’t want to annoy them.

My family also does not cooperate with me, they just can’t let me study in peace. We have over 5 rooms in this house, and there’s not a single room I can study in. There’s no wifi upstairs so I can’t go upstairs unless I sit near the stairs. Which I have been doing but now I’m not allowed to sit there anymore since “it’s too hot there.” Studying downstairs means being called every 5 minutes for something, being criticised over sitting all day and not helping around in the kitchen, or being troubled by sudden visitors, tasks, or calls. It gets frustrating for me, I can’t go to school, I can’t study in peace.

I had the same problems earlier too, and I used to do family tasks all day so they don't have any complaints, sleep from 10/11 pm to 12 am on the floor in another room because my alarms disturbed them in the bedroom. And then study all night, so I get good grades because they all had high expectations from me at the same time. I did all that for 6 months straight, only having 1 or 2 hours of sleep, and trying 22 hours to meet their expectations and keep them happy, while I was in a dark place. Yet they didn’t see it, and they still complain and criticise. I don’t think I can repeat that again. I can’t break myself further. It was really hard for me to maintain everything and pull myself together to do well in my IGCSEs. And I still think I got lucky because the thresholds were really low. I don’t really deserve those A*s. I know I got lucky. My family doesn't know that, they’re overjoyed and celebrating. They think I’ve pulled off something amazing and expect the same results in A levels. They’ve even decided on what university I’m going to. They want me to go to the university with the most strict acceptance rate in the country with a scholarship. Students with exemplary grades get accepted only if they pass the super hard entry test. And they expect me to get into the uni with a scholarship. It’s almost laughable. I just want them to be happy because then I can be at peace. They decided on my career choice, they decided on my university, they’ll decide where I’ll work and everything else. And I’ve given up, so I’ll just go with whatever they say because if they are happy, I’m happy.

Writing all this down doesn't even make any of it seem like a big deal anymore. I guess it’s okay now. I’ll keep writing here whenever I feel low. It all seemed like bricks in my head weighing me down. I’m sorry for taking up space and your time if you managed to read till here.