Journey to Peace

@justFarheen

*slides a note*

*note reads*

It is not attention seeking, or empathy seeking, it is seeking support, which is a brave thing to do, on a platform meant for just that, for people to support, tend to, and empathize with one another, you're not asking for anything more than just this, and so it is okay to take any space you need. Writing down things we keep bottled inside otherwise can be really helpful, it may not solve things so to speak, but it helps to have a space for our thoughts and feelings, where we can simply be ourselves, for however long we want to, without having to try to make anyone understand us or like us, a space to be used by us, for us, to try to give the emotions a let out, and the thoughts a good space that's not our mind, in our mind the constant spiral of thoughts creates havoc going around and about making it easier for our brain to trap us inside~ which is ofcourse not ideally a comfortable space to be in, with all the overthinking and stress. Again, this is *your* space, you are allowed to take space, and share whatever you want to, whenever, in whichever way it works for you, always at your pace ofcourse.

It makes me so touched, that you feel okay with a devoid of kindness or praises for you, *yet* you try and make others feel appreciated and valued, yet you don't miss a chance to show kindness to others. Best believe, those that have experienced a lack of something, know the actual value of it, know how it feels to be a certain way, so that others do not feel the same. That amount of selflessness is rare and exceptional, I'm sorry to deviate here, and no, not a praise, mere acknowledgement of something I've observed, and as your *peer* I thought you should know also. ❤

I relate with the comfort that familiarity brings, and makes sense why something "new" no matter how good it is feels uncomfortable, and easy to resist. Always know when we don't know something, it doesn't mean we didn't deserve it, or that we'll never come across, and yes, it still is always okay to take our time and be at our pace to learn something new, be accepting of something new, believe/ start believing in something new for us.

You never have to thank or apologize for using your space here. ❤ I for one, am really proud of you for trying your best, and trying the new stuff too despite not being a fan (like forums here). Sending comfy beams your way.

15th Sep 2022

Today was a pretty good day at school. Everyone was really nice, they helped and guided me around. I enjoy going to school, it makes me forget the things at home. It makes me feel carefree and happy. It was all going well until hometime gets closer. The anxiety of being late in leaving the building to meet my dad is always there. And it’s usually the turning point of my day (from positive to negative). My dad greets me with complaints and threats. How I managed to arrive 1-2 minutes late, and how he had to wait for me, and how he won’t wait again and leave me, or not let me go to school because the petrol is so expensive and the school is far away from home and there’s always traffic. He proceeds to drive the car in the worst possible way he can, drifting across lanes, swerving across the road, taking wrong turns and driving in the wrong lanes. Then swearing at traffic police, signals, and other drivers. Sitting there I just regret my existence. If there was no me, there would be no school pick and drop for him. All the stress of how he’s driving, listening to him shouting and swearing and complaining about everything, just drains everything out. And all the happiness and smiles I had earlier in the day now feel pointless and all the hope I had built up disintegrates away, leaving me emotionless and quiet for the rest of the day. I enter home trying to look as cheery as I can so the others could know that I had fun at school, but they greet me with their problems.

Apparently, I'm the emotional supporter of each family member. I listen to my mum vent every day, how her day went, what’s going on in her workplace, and her problems, then go and sit with my grandmother so she could share her story of how hectic her day went, and how tired she is, and how annoying and messed up everything is. And then I talk to my brother trying to pass positive affirmations to him because everyone in this house is negative and radiates negativity all the time. Usually, I tell them about my day too, leaving all the negative details. But, I’ve learned a life lesson, never get too excited or happy about something and express it to others. Because you’ll eventually fall back down and get disappointed.

Today I decided I won’t be telling them any details of anything. I can just go like “oh it’s going great.” and change the topic to them because they always have something to share. Feeling happy feels like a privilege and I prefer keeping it in and not expressing it anywhere, because falling down hard is worse than not being happy at all. Again, I don’t make sense at all with my words, but all I’m trying to do is let things out…

I developed chest pains earlier this year, I guess it’s a response to all the anxiety. My chest pains every time I am in a stressful situation or whenever I get triggered. It hurts bad and I’ve been bearing with it for months. Haven’t told anyone in-person because they’ll make huge deals out of it. I don’t share much with my family, I don’t feel comfortable opening up to them, I also can’t feel okay crying in front of them, because all they’ve done is criticise me for everything and I expect them to do the same if they see me in that state. I feel like they judge me, I can’t meet their gazes at times because they’ve always put me down. Telling them about my chest pains is worse than the pains themselves. I’d rather be in pain than ask them to get me checked. Nevertheless, I’m used to that constant feeling, and I guess I can live with it until things get better.

I usually sleep to stay away from everyone. I was tired today too, so I went and took a nap hoping to wake up with peaceful thoughts. Instead, I woke up to my dad screaming around.

Later found a note in my room from my brother. He had things written on it like [“Nobody likes me. My parents want to k.ill me. They don’t spend time with me. They hate me. :(”] I then spent 2 hours speaking with him, asking him questions and making him reflect on things. I told him how none of that was true and had to give him the support he needed. Nobody gives him time or attention, he deserves it, he’s just a kid.

I just hope things get better because I’m tired of everything now. I don’t know how long I can continue with this.

According to the implicit meanings in his words, It's my fault. because I exist he's having to waste time, money and petrol and drive through traffic. I ordered past paper booklets today because he refused to take me to the store even though we would pass it on our way home. I’m falling behind because I have 0 materials for any subject. And he got upset because too much money is being spent because of me. He wants me to study, make him proud, and go to a good uni, but he doesn't want to spend money or time in the process.

We were fine earlier because we were independent, now we are dependent on him, and he seems to enjoy it.

25th September 2022

Honestly, I feel so lost. My mind seems to wander off to its own world. Studying has become a burden once again. I can’t seem to find the motivation to study, yet I feel stressed about my upcoming tests and assessments. I don’t feel like doing anything. Just sitting here made me realise the new atmosphere I’m in now. I just noticed how empty and huge the room is, how pale the walls are, how streets and cars can be seen from the nearest window, and how trees and gardens can be seen from the other side. How the colour of the sky changes with time, and how now I can see sunset and sunrise from my room. How there are stairs connecting two huge places together, how we have a backyard with trees, flowers, crops and hundreds of insects and birds. How we are surrounded by people with their own homes similar to ours, how the world has so much land and so many people. How the streets expand across the city and travel thousands of miles intersecting numerous villages and other towns. How everything has changed so much in so less time, how it’s been 2 months already in this place, and it’s now starting to feel strange to me.

How my friends back there are living their lives the same way as before, and how my previous school has resumed back to how it was. How a new family has moved into our previous apartment, and how they’re going to create new memories in rooms that have our 12 years-filled memories still fresh and lingering. How we’ve left behind the rooms in which my brother took his first steps, and how we left behind the walls which heard his first words. How far we’ve gotten from the roads I once knew so well. How I still know my way home even though it’s not mine anymore. How time just doesn't stop ticking, how the world doesn't stop moving, I feel like I'm floating watching everything and everyone do their daily tasks in a loop. I want to pause things for a moment, want to feel free of problems and worries for a while. I should be studying, but I’m just in some trance, nothing feels worth it, the world’s too big to be affected. It feels like I'm in a movie, a movie with no ending. It’s just going on and on, and it’s losing its colour(?). Yet it remains to be aesthetic in its own way. I am hardly making any sense with my words, my mind is running so many thoughts at once, and I’m all over the place.

Maybe crying will help? But I’m okay, right? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on. What do I tell someone if they ask if something’s wrong? I don’t know what’s wrong. There isn’t anything wrong. Then how would crying help? Maybe I have things stored up inside. But I don’t remember storing anything inside? Even if I do try though, tears are quite stubborn, they don’t come out well. I’m trying to remember my days back there, but it’s all hazy. Which is weird, because I’ve lived there all my life.

It was 8:45 pm the last time I checked, and now it’s 9:40 pm already. Time just flew an hour in a few seconds, and I never knew. Don’t know how it happened. I want to stare at nothingness for hours and think about something, but what do I think about? How do I think? What do I focus on? If I think, I think of everything at once or nothing at all. Am I forgetting something? I might be forgetting something, maybe it’s a task due tomorrow, maybe it's something important, or not that important. I don’t know. My thoughts are scattered and incoherent. I’m sorry I’m not making any sense. I have no idea why. I might be watching myself fall apart again, and not know. Before it was like I was watching everything burn down, but even with a fire extinguisher in my hand, I was frozen and too paralyzed to do anything about it. It was painful. I hope it doesn’t happen again, but I don’t know if things are leading to everything catching flames again.

6th October 2022

Earlier my lips could force a smile, but now it’s just too hard to keep giving out yellow vibes around me. Or maybe I was wearing my face mask and that would help hide everything, but now I’m in a country where it’s unusual to wear masks. People are noticing my dullness and they're telling me to stop being so negative and think positive. Even though I didn't share anything with anyone… I don’t think I’m doing anything on purpose, I just feel so drained out. I just want to stay in bed all day, or just have a break and do nothing for a while. I practice smiling in front of the mirror like an idiot, telling myself everything’s okay. I guess If I can keep telling myself that I’m alright, I’ll be alright for as long as possible. I don’t think I’m as strong as before to go through everything again and still stand head high. It’s way different now. And I’m just tired.

I’ve lost my appetite and I'm feeling really weak these days. I can't keep my eyes freshly open after 8:30 pm every night, how am I supposed to study properly? Studying has become another challenge, I’ve lost motivation, and it gets difficult for me to study with 100% concentration. I’m zoning out randomly. I don’t feel motivated to open my mouth and speak to people. It’s like I’ve been drained of energy and it sucks. I can’t do anything right. They’re judging me for being too quiet and staring around. Nobody understands, and nobody ever will.

To make things worse, my father refuses to take us to school on Fridays, after requesting him, he says he won’t take us to school on Monday if he has to on Friday. He hates taking us to school. He blames us for the petrol expenses, the traffic and his time that we waste. He says he’ll take us to school 4 days a week instead of 5, and he doesn’t really care about the classes because petrol, traffic and time are more important. He even drives as horribly as he can, swearing, screaming and swerving as much as he can. Screaming all the violent things he could do to people around us on the road who are driving too slow for him. At the same time, my entire family expects me to get straight A*s and get admitted to one of the prestigious unis in the country with a scholarship bc we can never afford it. I don’t know how I’ll be even close to their expectations if I can’t even go to school regularly. Though their expectations are too high for anyone to reach in general, I’m just an ordinary person who is expected to do things God-Gifted Students do.

16th October 2022

I feel like a failure at the moment, and I don’t know what to do. So I thought I'd write my thoughts down because it sometimes helps. I am trying to study, I made a to-do list and promised myself to be productive this weekend. I say this every weekend. But I never do well enough. I was tired and slept through Friday, and on Saturday, I wrote an article and spent the rest of the day reading it over and over and criticising it. Then a friend asked me to chat with her and catch up on things, and 4 hours went by without even knowing how. On Sunday, I started answering past papers and felt productive, until my parents forced me to go to the mall with them. They promised to return in a few hours, yet we came back after 5 long hours. I appreciate that we went to the mall since we never go out. But it just wasn’t the right time. Now, the weekend’s over and all I’ve done is made a to-do list, write an article, and answer 5-7 past paper questions. My pace is so slow, it’s embarrassing. I am now getting exhausted easily which is frustrating. I can’t seem to do anything right. There’s so much to do, I just can’t do it. Time keeps ticking by, I keep wasting it. In the end, I’ll be panicking. I feel frozen. I keep drowning in waves of self-criticism. And they’re weighing me down. And I’m believing in them. It’s hard to ignore it. It makes sense to me. Which is embarrassing.

I’m hoping to get back on track as soon as possible because I can’t afford falling apart again. This time it’s different, there are new factors, and none of them are in my favour. Can’t risk it. It’ll be way worse. There’s so much more to say, but I’m struggling to put all of it into words. It’s all just circulating in my head. I might use sleep to escape. But I don’t deserve sleep at the moment, because I didn’t do much today. I’ll try and see if I could sleep early and wake up at midnight, when it’s a bit more peaceful, and study until dawn. (A habit I had last year when my house was too chaotic to study in, during daylight hours). But I’m getting exhausted easily now, which wasn’t the case before. I have school tomorrow. Mondays are the worst with 3 different lectures for 4 hours straight. I fear sleeping through them. Let’s see what I end up doing then :/.

*sigh*

*brings cake* 🎂💖

Happppiest Everyday, lovely Farheen. I want you to know that I'm here with you, mentally hugging you and nomming cake with you. 💖

I'd love to hear about your day(s) and how you're doing lately also, if you're comfy sharing ofcourse. 🤗

Alsooo someone had a reminder for you, they insisted:

11/12/2022

Days are going by so fast. It’s getting scary at this point. Time is flying, I can stare at the clock for a while, and hours will fly by.

I feel stuck. Stuck as in stuck in a loop of self-criticism. Stuck as in stuck in quicksand and slowly sinking in. Stuck as in paralysed, watching everything slowly fall apart. Stuck as in, demotivated, drained out, lost, numb, emotionless. Stuck as in frozen, while time ticks by, and everyone continues doing what they usually do. Stuck as in, stuck in a loop of ups and downs - where each down is worse every time.

People kinda notice it too. I’m ‘a dead soul', 'boring' and a 'quiet' person to them. They don't know what's going on. I don't understand it too. I feel like there's an empty dark void inside of me, which is getting deeper as days go by.

My social anxiety doesn’t help. I can’t stop my jumpy leg in public or prevent my hands from shaking if I’m in a room with someone else. My eyes dart around, always paranoid to catch someone staring in my direction. Sometimes my breath gets shaky, and I have to excuse myself, to do some breathing exercises. At times, when someone talks to me, I open my mouth to respond, but no sound comes out. I look at other people in awe, how they blend in so well with each other. How each word they say expresses so much emotion and life. While my sentences, emotionless, and blank, always end up incomplete and pointless.

I wish I could bring my feelings into words, and let out the emotions inside. If only I could pour it all out, understand myself and work on it accordingly. I sit down to write about it; end up staring at an empty screen until finally giving up. I have hope, there’s always hope. I understand that, I'm sorry 💜

@justFarheen ❤

I just realised it's all my fault. everything. the reason why im not close to anyone, the reason why I've always been alone. I never let anyone in, at the same time, longing for a genuine long-term friendship. I fear people, and their thoughts.

"People like you are called loners. and they'll always be alone." Youre right. I agree. Id rather be alone than go through everything again. Im a sensitive weakling, i cant have people around me. though this community is so amazing and kind and sweet and precious. i don't deserve it. because i cant handle it. And so i never reach out. I just read through posts and cheer up. I have a journal, but im not expressive. even in-person me is awkward and quiet. sometimes i ask myself why i cant be like everyone else.

I've read somewhere that "people can only love you as deeply as you love yourself. they can only meet you as deeply as you can meet yourself. They can only understand you as deeply as you understand yourself. It all starts with you." i understand that. I just fail to *deeply* love, understand and meet myself. i grew up feeling worthless, and i want to change that. but i cant.

i can feel the ground slipping beneath me. and im not fighting it anymore.