Journal

Not sure who's going to read this, but here it is.

How do you draw the line between taking it easy and being lazy? I want to do things. I had all these plans when I moved overseas a year ago, thinking it wouldn't be too hard to adapt to the new place and leave my baggage behind. Boy, was I wrong. The baggage was too heavy. Even before the pandemic, my mental health took a nose dive. I used to be disciplined, hard-working, the kind of person who sets a goal for herself and achieves it. Now, I let the days pass by without doing anything that'll take me closer to those goals. And, to be honest, it makes me feel worse.

I know we all have bad days. But when those bad days turn into months, and then those months into years, I think it's more than just stop being hard on myself and taking it easy. There's something happening there.

But even thinking that I'm probably depressed feels like an excuse. And even if I was depressed, it's not like I can go to a doctor because I can't afford mental health treatment. So I feel pretty defeated today. All did today was complete a 4-hour shift in 7 hours because I couldn't concentrate, reply to two emails, and the rest of the day I spend either staring at my screen or playing games on my phone.

A part of me hates myself for being lazy, but then deep down I know there must be something happening to make me be this way when I wasn't like this before. I just don't know how to get unstuck.

I have tried online therapy recently a few times, and even though the therapists were nice and did their best, they were not what I was looking for. I kind of don't need anyone's sympathy. I just need someone to tell me what's the first step to getting closer to that hard-working, disciplined person I used to be. How do I become her again? Where do I start?