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feraljane
234 M Embraced 2
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes26 Current upvotes26 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2020 Member sinceAugust 6, 2020
Bio
Hi there! I'm feraljane, 34, cis woman. I'm here to be part of a supportive community of people who look after one another and support one another in their journey. Personally, I struggle with depression, anxiety, and self-harm. But I'm hopeful. Things can get better. I have seen it. And I know it will happen for all of us, too.
Feel free to message me if you need someone to chat with. También hablo español :)
Recent forum posts
Introduction (TW)
Self-Harm Recovery / by feraljane
Last post
 August 10th, 2020
...See more Hi, I'm feraljane and I'm new to 7cups. I'm recovering from self-harm and have been clean for a bit over a month. However I've hardly ever done in the last couple of years. So a couple of years ago I briefly became the only caregiver for my then boyfriend, who was at the time going through a psychotic episode. In that state he'd sometimes make cruel comments about my self-harm. He's the only person I've ever told about it. Strangely enough, since then I don't feel like self-harm soothes me as much as it used to. I was even angry at him at one point for 'ruining' self-harm for me. I started when I was about 14, and I'm turning 34 this weekend. So, it's a tough habit to break after so long doing it. Ocassionally I still feel the urges, and today is one of those days. I'm not going to do it, though. Instead, I'm just going to go to bed. I'm glad I've found 7cups and hope to be here to help anyone who needs it, just as folks have been kind and helpful to me the couple of days I've been on this site.
Journal
Journals & Diaries / by feraljane
Last post
 August 10th, 2020
...See more Not sure who's going to read this, but here it is. How do you draw the line between taking it easy and being lazy? I want to do things. I had all these plans when I moved overseas a year ago, thinking it wouldn't be too hard to adapt to the new place and leave my baggage behind. Boy, was I wrong. The baggage was too heavy. Even before the pandemic, my mental health took a nose dive. I used to be disciplined, hard-working, the kind of person who sets a goal for herself and achieves it. Now, I let the days pass by without doing anything that'll take me closer to those goals. And, to be honest, it makes me feel worse. I know we all have bad days. But when those bad days turn into months, and then those months into years, I think it's more than just stop being hard on myself and taking it easy. There's something happening there. But even thinking that I'm probably depressed feels like an excuse. And even if I was depressed, it's not like I can go to a doctor because I can't afford mental health treatment. So I feel pretty defeated today. All did today was complete a 4-hour shift in 7 hours because I couldn't concentrate, reply to two emails, and the rest of the day I spend either staring at my screen or playing games on my phone. A part of me hates myself for being lazy, but then deep down I know there must be something happening to make me be this way when I wasn't like this before. I just don't know how to get unstuck. I have tried online therapy recently a few times, and even though the therapists were nice and did their best, they were not what I was looking for. I kind of don't need anyone's sympathy. I just need someone to tell me what's the first step to getting closer to that hard-working, disciplined person I used to be. How do I become her again? Where do I start?
Journal
Journals & Diaries / by feraljane
Last post
 August 14th, 2020
...See more Not sure who's going to read this, but here it is. How do you draw the line between taking it easy and being lazy? I want to do things. I had all these plans when I moved overseas a year ago, thinking it wouldn't be too hard to adapt to the new place and leave my baggage behind. Boy, was I wrong. The baggage was too heavy. Even before the pandemic, my mental health took a nose dive. I used to be disciplined, hard-working, the kind of person who sets a goal for herself and achieves it. Now, I let the days pass by without doing anything that'll take me closer to those goals. And, to be honest, it makes me feel worse. I know we all have bad days. But when those bad days turn into months, and then those months into years, I think it's more than just stop being hard on myself and taking it easy. There's something happening there. But even thinking that I'm probably depressed feels like an excuse. And even if I was depressed, it's not like I can go to a doctor because I can't afford mental health treatment. So I feel pretty defeated today. All did today was complete a 4-hour shift in 7 hours because I couldn't concentrate, reply to two emails, and the rest of the day I spend either staring at my screen or playing games on my phone. A part of me hates myself for being lazy, but then deep down I know there must be something happening to make me be this way when I wasn't like this before. I just don't know how to get unstuck. I have tried online therapy recently a few times, and even though the therapists were nice and did their best, they were not what I was looking for. I kind of don't need anyone's sympathy. I just need someone to tell me what's the first step to getting closer to that hard-working, disciplined person I used to be. How do I become her again? Where do I start?
Pushing people away
Anxiety Support / by feraljane
Last post
 November 3rd, 2020
...See more Hi everyone! I'm new :) Lately I've been thinking about the way I push people away. I've had social anxiety since my teenage years and my progress fluctuates. I was actually making some progress before the pandemic but, as many of you here have also experienced, lockdown has made my anxiety worse. Anyway, lately I've noticed a pattern with my social interactions that maybe have to do with social anxiety in a way, but I think they're also due to impostor syndrome. I moved abroad about a year ago and before the pandemic I was putting myself out there, going to events and meeting people. I wasn't going out every night or staying out too late but I made sure to sign up for events once or twice a week. However, I never managed to make actual friendships. And it's because I feel comfortable keeping all my social interactions at a superficial level. I can manage introductions and small talk, but when people want to hang out again and things start to get closer and personal, I disappear. I even do this with friends and family more often that I'd like to admit. Don't get me wrong, I hate being like this. I feel like I've let a lot of people down and that I'm not there when friends and family need me the most. I think deep down I still see myself the way I did when I was 15: ugly, unlikeable, the girl with no friends who spent recess alone hiding behind cars in the parking lot, reading. I feel like my being pleasant and funny around other people is just a facade, and that when they get to know me they'll see how unlikeable I am. So maybe I push them away before they have the chance to see that. In a way, I feel like all my achievements are just the result of luck. Like the only thing I'm good at is bullshitting. Like I've managed to con everyone into thinking I'm a good person and talented at what I do, and they just need to spend more time with me to see it. So, I don't keep in touch with friends and family. I don't make new friends. I don't network with prospective clients and colleages like I should if I want to achieve my professional goals and one day move out of my mother's couch. Rationally, I know that this isn't true. So many people can't be wrong. I'm not that good of a liar, anyway. If so many people (professors, colleagues, managers, clients, friends and family) have had faith in me, then they can't ALL be wrong, right? I must be doing something well. But why do I still feel like a fake and a liar? Why do compliments and the encouragement I get from people don't feel true? For example, no matter how much my supervisor tells me I'm doing a good job and that I'm an important part of the team, I still feel like I'm terrible at my job and that I'm going to get fired one of these days. Anyway, I was thinking about this because I think it's partly where the social anxiety comes from. If people get close to me, then they will see me the way I see myself. I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way. Has anyone overcome something like this?
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