Journal
Not sure who's going to read this, but here it is.
How do you draw the line between taking it easy and being lazy? I want to do things. I had all these plans when I moved overseas a year ago, thinking it wouldn't be too hard to adapt to the new place and leave my baggage behind. Boy, was I wrong. The baggage was too heavy. Even before the pandemic, my mental health took a nose dive. I used to be disciplined, hard-working, the kind of person who sets a goal for herself and achieves it. Now, I let the days pass by without doing anything that'll take me closer to those goals. And, to be honest, it makes me feel worse.
I know we all have bad days. But when those bad days turn into months, and then those months into years, I think it's more than just stop being hard on myself and taking it easy. There's something happening there.
But even thinking that I'm probably depressed feels like an excuse. And even if I was depressed, it's not like I can go to a doctor because I can't afford mental health treatment. So I feel pretty defeated today. All did today was complete a 4-hour shift in 7 hours because I couldn't concentrate, reply to two emails, and the rest of the day I spend either staring at my screen or playing games on my phone.
A part of me hates myself for being lazy, but then deep down I know there must be something happening to make me be this way when I wasn't like this before. I just don't know how to get unstuck.
I have tried online therapy recently a few times, and even though the therapists were nice and did their best, they were not what I was looking for. I kind of don't need anyone's sympathy. I just need someone to tell me what's the first step to getting closer to that hard-working, disciplined person I used to be. How do I become her again? Where do I start?
@feraljane
Hi, at first I wasn't sure if I should share my thoughts since you mentioned that it is a journal entry (which seemed kind of private). However, after reading the post (since it is posted publicly. I hope that's okay), I felt this need to reach out to you. How are you doing? Are you doing alright? Be gentle on yourself. I understand that you have high expectations from yourself (which is very appropriate since that is how one grows) but depending on change in situation, one may change. It is not always possible to maintain the same routine or discipline nor is it possible to keep up the standards one has set for themselves. Sometimes you just need a break - even if everything is exactly the same, yes, you do. And that is also very much okay. Taking a breather is not wrong; it orepares you for the long haul. It is like they say - to jump longer and farther, one has to step back. 
Try not to compare yourself with how you used to be. People change, and so did you. It does more harm than good if you only look at how you used to be and if you use it to push yourself beyond capacity.
Take a deep breath and one bite at a time. Explore all that you wish to achieve but one step at a time. That will help maintain consistency and make you feel good. If you need a break, take it, and jump back stronger.
To address the first question, you are the only one who can decide if you're taking it easy or being lazy. You know yourself the best. One person's lazy might just be what another needs. So, subjectively try to figure out if you're being lazy. Look at your current situation and assess what you could have been doing and whether you're doing it or not. Do not even compare yourself with past self since you're not the same neither is your situation.
I understand you had plans and expectations from yourself when you moved overseas, and it must be disappointing to see things are not going how you thought. But that's alright, isn't it? Chart up a new plan based on your current needs, situation and capacity. If you derive you're not doing enough whilst you can, in that case, too, make a plan that would work for you - a plan which your new mood or mindset can accept. The same goal can be achieved in many different ways, try and discover one that you'd truly accept at the moment.
Often a person burns out if they push themselves excessively. So, try and assess if that's the case with you. Knowing this would make a lot in how you perceive your current situation, and choose to move on.
Sometimes a phase does last longer than a week or a few months, but if you really feel like it is not just that, try and think as to what may have changed or what may have been the cause of it. Try to go to the roots of it and that's how everything else will unravel.
If you can't afford a doctor, resort to 7cups as much as you can, maintain a journal about everyday thoughts as well as moods. Do things that make you happy even if they do not directly contribute towards your goals.
I believe the first step to being the way you were is to first accept yourself the way you are now. Be kind and gentle to your own self. Know that it is okay to not be any other way.
Sending Love and Hugs 