I will probably abandon this

I hate myself and I hate this website, but I'm trapped in my room so I might as well ramble. I'm not a good person. I invaded a therapy group on a *** virtual reality back in middle school and scoffed at all them, like 'What is this, a Dr. Oz session?' and they rightfully kicked me out, because I was a brat, but even at 28, I am still a brat.

I look around at the website and all the nonsense and needy hands and who gets attention and who is foresaken and I'm just like- yup, I'm still in *** and no amount of pseudo-therapy is going to save me. Or anyone else, for that matter. I asked what my friend wants in therapy and she said she wants validation, that's it and I'm like wow, ok, so that's why you're still scared of driving and still can't graduate college and still can't talk about anything more intense than the latest YouTube drama.

I just fall back on drinking, like now. My family is screaming like monkeys at the TV screen, at some football game. It could be funny, but it's not. I'm really *** tired. I woke up thinking that today would be different and I believed it for a little bit, but then I kept needing to come back to check for updates on this website. Nothing truly meaningful got done today. For all my busywork, my world is still hollow.

I have no real interests. My friends are gone. My family just feels like a bunch of aliens- we don't speak the same language. My parents found a *** bathtub of self-harm evidence and my mom didn't talk to me for days and my dad sat down and checked in with me, but after that night, no one has checked in with me. Since I cleaned the bathtub, all my issues have been out of sight, out of mind- isn't that so convenient?

All us humans have all these feelings, yet literally no one can deal with them in good ways. We're all a mess to some degree or another, yet there are so many people out there who like to still point fingers and judge people for being 'crazy'. This world is crazy. My friend was talking about what she was going to eat today and I was thinking about how I feel like I'm in ***. I hate evenings. I hate where I've ended up in life. I can spew all kinds of 'advice' on this website, but everything just ends up empty. Boo hoo.

Maybe my friend is right and my problem is I am just spoiled. And selfish. I guess I don't know what true hardship is and I've never had to share or play nice with others- they dropped me off at college and I was so lonely I developed an eating disorder that nearly killed me. Then I developed self-harm. Then alcohol abuse. I was walking through a city of people crying and no one helped me. I was sobbing in the college bathroom and no one helped me. I was screaming in the apartment and no one helped me. And when I try to finally get on medication for all my issues years later, the psychiatrist gives me the wrong label while ignoring my protests and puts me on all the wrong medications for months on end that nearly made me not alive myself and then she dropped me because I was 'a bad patient'.

I don't like people. I need people, but I don't like people.

I want to make art or something, but I can only think these thoughts and it clouds my motivation. My friend just texted me that she wants me to binge an anime so we can talk about it tomorrow. I'm suppressing the urge to tell her to *** off. Oh, ha, look at me- I'm whining about being lonely, but here is a friend to the rescue! And yet, it doesn't matter. I'm here, struggling like this, and all she's talked about today and earlier this week is her school, her food, her love for this anime. Her, her, her. I'm so done with these people. This friend talking about herself and then my other friend making her drive her around so that she can go shopping for people I don't even know. I guess I'm just a puppet here to fulfill other people's desires.

And you could say 'No! Your desires matter! What do you want?' and no. I am so *** depressed that I don't have any- so that means other people can just walk all over me. Say that you love me and then abuse me for your own purposes why don't you? No one is helping me, but that's not even it. Obviously, it's ultimately my own fault. I'm not helping myself. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. This life is a joke.