I realized Im not alone and not weak

Hi there!

I don't know if I'm in the right section for this, but I feel so happy today I could cry and need to vent for a bit.

For the last 2 years or so I have been struggling with social anxiety and have issues with low self-esteem.

For example, I had a meltdown in front of my whole Geography class today, because I had to do a presentation for a group project and something didn't work as I expected it. I apologized in advance for the weird graphic, and I saw that one of my group partners looked absolutely mad. We spent some time together before, but we never really talked to each other. We were basically strangers and so I felt really scared that I had disappointed her that she would hate me. I felt like a huge failure and believed everyone was laughing at me. During the presentation, I started feeling dizzy and I had trouble breathing after I realized everyone was looking at me. I gripped the teachers desk and tried not to cry.

But then, said group member stood up and came to me while I was standing in front of the class and everyone else was taking notes. I didn't catch completely what she said, but she tried to reassure me and told me that it was not my mistake, the computer was glitchy, she said it's not a big deal because the class has the correct graphic on their handout anyway....

I wouldn't have dreamed of this in my whole life. We were basically strangers, and she was by far the angriest about my mistake. But still, she noticed my discomfort, stood up from her chair, walked up to the front of the classroom (which caused many people too look at her questioningly and throw her odd looks) and talked me out of a complete panic attack.

I'm not sure what I would have done without her. At this moment, when I felt alone and absolutely overwhelmed, she was there for me and showed me that I am not alone. She didn't ask questions later, and when I tried to thank her for what she had done, she just shrugged and said it was no big deal. But for me, it is. I am so thankful to have people like her in my life.

Later I felt ashamed for being so weak and having a breakdown infront of everybody. I felt like I was not strong enough, like I needed to get a better grip on myself. So doing what I always do when I want to distract myself, I watched a few episodes of a tv show, "Suits".

I just started the fifth season, and in the first episode the most self-confident, witty, and brilliant character of the show started having panic attacks and went to a therapist for help. This felt like an emotional punch in the gut, it hit very close to home. But it also made me realize Im not weak.

Do I believe Harvey Specter is a weak person? Of course not, I want to be like him, just as confident, just as brilliant, just as funny as he is. The fact that he is suffering from panic attacks too does not change the fact that I admire him and believe he is a strong person. I do not believe the attacks make him a weak person, so why should I be weak, just because I have panic attacks, too?

I know that he is a fictional character, but for the second time today, I felt reassured. I understood having problems doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. Of course, I knew that before, but today I finally understood it. I am so proud of myself that I finally realized that I am not pathetic for needing help.