I'm too lazy to write in my own journal/diary/whatever-thingy, so I decided to make a new one instead (lol) (TW?)

Never mind, can't sleep!

I was literally about to turn off my laptop when I had that stupid thought again. I kept thinking about my ex-best friend, whom I'll call, uh, Halo? Whatever.

Halo meant a lot to me, a lot more than I'll be willing to admit. However, I decided to break things off. I still feel terrible about it. Mainly because all I could think about was the harm it brought her. She wasn't mentally stable, and me leaving would've definitely hurt her as much as it hurt me.

I know it was for the best. I was, like, really terrible. My stupid grudges got in the way, and my jealousy was a huge pain. I know I had to be a better person to deserve to be friends with her.

I don't know if she's reading this, but in the chance that she actually is, I only have one thing to say: I'm sorry.

Yours truly.

@strawberryjamin

I tried taking my mind off the contest by talking to some people on Discord, but whenever I speak, the conversation always dies down. Am I that uninteresting?? Ouch! That's brutal! I'm trying to be a more social person, even if it's through talking to people online, but I don't even know what to talk about! Sometimes I even forget I could talk at all!! It's why I lurk most of the time tbh. If anyone has any tips on not being ignored in a discord server, please comment down below! If anyone even reads this, at least.

I don't have tips on not being ignored, but I do have a reframe a very smart friend shared with me many years ago that I really loved. I'm passing it along in case you like it too!

Someone had complained that the conversation always died down when she commented and she thought that no one liked her. (I'm fairly sure that no one had any problem with her at all. It was really just a coincidence.) My friend's response was that she actually liked it when conversation stopped after she made a comment because she thought of it as proof that she had said something so right, and expressed herself so well, that no one had anything else to add or correct.

[D2] 08/27/2022

I placed 3rd in the contest! I was kind of hoping on landing first, but at least I got a thing!! Did it sting? A little! But did I at least get something out of it? Yes! It kind of soothes the sting.

Anyways, I'm actually very surprised that I got some replies! I was kind of expecting to be talking to the void, but it feels nice to know that the void talks back! I will be responding as best as I can, I just have to write this entry real quick.

About a week ago, I bought a skateboard since I really want to know how to skate. Surprisingly, I didn't give myself a scratch or a concussion! Which is very much a miracle by my standards. But uh, it was not like a "life-long passion" thing, it's more of a spontaneous decision.

Although if I were to talk about something that I actually had a life-long passion for, it'd be playing the piano. Ever since I was a little kid, I really liked the sounds it makes, and I hoped that I would be able to create a melody myself. It died out, obviously. It happened when I did get a piano. Maybe I still want to play, maybe I don't.

I don't mean for this diary to be such a huge bummer, but I guess it happens sometimes.

Aaaaa I'm running out of things to say! It probably means that I should stop writing and just post it because I have nothing else to talk about, but I kind of want to keep writing because I might want to add something else to this but I don't know how to edit it.

Eh.

@confusedraven

Congratulations on placing Third in the art contest 🥳🥳🥳

Apparently YOU HAVE TALENT!!

Do doubt yourself! Hardest thing ever right?!

Just keep using your talent 🧑‍🎨 and enjoying it😍 Everything else is just a BONUS 😇

[D3?] 08/29/2022

Almost forgot to post an update, whoops!

I've been binge-watching cooking/baking videos all day. I'm not sure what kind of crack they inject into my eyes since I've been obsessed with them lately, but I'm not complaining! I really really like those hyper-realistic cake videos, although, it is giving me major trust issues. They look too real!

Anyways, the contest really opened my eyes. Surprisingly, it has inspired me to get better at art. I've always wanted to make comics at some point in my life, but I'm not actually happy with my art right now. I'm kind of focusing on improving my anatomy, backgrounds, and colors since those are my current weaknesses. I just want to make beautiful things.

It's in the middle of the night right now, I really want to sleep. Goodnight!

[D4 - D7] 09/02/2022

So sorry for not updating! Things got a bit busy.

Speaking of which, I went to my first therapy session. I had my expectations very low since my last one was kind of bad, but think I could get along with my current therapist. We talked about stuff, and I think I learned a thing or two. I have another appointment with her the next Friday. I hope it goes well.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I'm not sure if my bed is uncomfortable or if it's just me. I don't think I even sleep, I think it's more like passing out. I've been having sleeping problems forever, but it's happening three nights in a row. When was the last time I got a good night's rest?

It's getting late.

[D8 - D11] 09/06/2022

Guess who has two thumbs and is entering another art contest? This guy! I really don't like losing, so you bet I am bringing my A game on this one.

Did I mention that I took a break from school? I was getting too distracted on... stuff to focus on my academics, enough to get a therapist, anyways. Apparently, I've been away for too long, since the school wanted to send someone to talk to me. I told them not to since I don't like visitors, but it hit me that I need to at least be a little better quickly.

The school I really want is hard to get in. You need to have a grade of 90-95 on both Science and Math, AND pass their entrance exam. The thing is, that school could be my early ticket to getting out of here. I'm not saying that my home life is like hell or anything. It's just that, it sucks having to interact with people that have hurt you because you need a roof over your head.

But if I could get in, I could live a life outside here, on my own. They have, like, a dorm and everything. They even give out allowance to their students. I have to get in.

I have no idea how badly my break affected my grades, I just hope it's not too bad. I wanted to talk to my therapist about this, but there's no harm than posting this, I guess.

I slept well last night.

[D12 - D13] 09/08/2022

God, I've been working on my entry for two days. I'm extremely confident about this one though. It's around 2 AM right now, and I just feel really tired. I was supposed to finish it earlier, but I just watched the new Bee and Puppycat season on Netflix instead. ((Spoilers down below by the way!!))

I still don't understand that show, though. I have no idea what's going on most of the time. But at the same time, I love it so much. Especially the world-building, and I love the colors so much too, and gosh, the art style. What I also really like is the characters. Although if you ask me to pick a favorite, I'd go with Moully. He's really nice, and he looks like a fun guy.

When I watched the first season on YouTube, I didn't really fully expect Bee to be like a robot-thingy. But when they revealed that, it made so much sense. I always thought "Haha, this girl talks like a bot." And she was!! My mind wasn't exactly blown, but I was surprised for sure.

I'm always kind of curious about Bee's dad. Where'd he go? Why'd he make her?? The new season didn't offer many answers, but hey, at least I can see what he looked like. I also found it funny how an infant made a very complex device. When I was an infant, I was still eating candy off the ground and hitting my head on things. Maybe I was just programmed dumb?

I want to go to bed. I'll finish my entry tomorrow. Goodnight!

[D14] 09/09/2022

Alright. I'm officially done with my entry. I think I did well.

I'm kind of nervous about my appointment, I don't know what to expect. We talked about my friendships in the first session, and it went well. However, I have a feeling that we'd be talking about my home life for this one.

I still don't know what to feel about my parents. I'm kind of angry, and kind of sad, but also kind of confused. Very confused. It's complicated. I mean, they did hurt me, a lot actually, whether they meant to or not. I can't exactly show anyone some proof, although I wish I could.

I'm going to bed now, goodnight.

[D?] 10/26/2022

Oh lord, I forgot about this one.

I'm awfully sorry for not updating for a very long time. To catch you up to speed:

My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist, and I've been taking antidepressants for about 2-3 weeks now. I also went back to school after being away for a month. I'm doing quite well, I think.

I took antidepressants before, but I couldn't get past 2 weeks. Had a meltdown and stopped.

Anyways, I'm not sure if I should keep posting here anymore. I think I'll make a new (and hopefully better) forum. However, this will be kept up as some sort of archive.
I would like to personally thank the people who took the time to leave a comment or read through this. I appreciate the support that you have given me, as well as the pieces of advice I have received.

I hope that you can continue this journey with me. And if you can't, I'll miss you.