I'm angry

This is copied from my bio on my profile, but it is a major source of my anger.

I have a husband that I have a very complicated relationship with. I love him but he's never been one to help around the house and had a difficult time staying employed. in 2019 I had finally reached my limit and told him I was on my way to filing for divorce. A couple of weeks later we found out he had cancer. After cancer, he was hospitalized for cellulitis in his leg that went septic. He was discharged 2 weeks before the world shut down for COVID. When our local hospital finally was opening up for non-emergency surgeries, we were able to get his knee replaced which honestly should have been done years ago but doctors kept putting it off due to his age (he is 18 years older than I am) or his weight. They had to go back in 2 more times in the 3 months after the surgery because he kept getting infections. At this point my mental health started deteriorating and I left my job because I wasn't able to do my job anymore. I did go back to a different job a few months later but after a year I ended up leaving because I was having regular panic attacks. My husband has required a lot of care because his knee didn't heal properly after the last surgery and then we lost insurance when I left my job. He did do some substitute teaching over this past school year but over the summer he had to have his knee opened up again due to another infection. I love him but I hate being in this relationship. I'm angry that I have a husband that isn't a partner. I understand that part of it is his disability, but he also doesn't try to find ways to help. I feel too guilty to leave because I can't tell our 9-year-old daughter that something happened to daddy because mommy wouldn't take care of him anymore. I also can't leave because I am unemployed at the moment. It's hard to find something working for home that won't trigger my anxiety while I am working with my psychiatrist to get stable again.

I don't know what I am looking for in writing about this, but I have to get it out. I try talking to him about it and it just turns into this awkward thing because he reminds me that he is disabled and has a hard time getting around and can't stand for long periods of time. So, everything gets left for me to do. We recently moved and I did most of the packing with the help of my mother. I had was hit with a very hard reality. He spends pretty much all his time at home in bed. I knew his side of the bed needed a deep clean because he had dishes that had fallen between the end table and the bed, his end table was stacked probably 2.5 feet with stuff, and he has taken to peeing in a urinal cup to avoid the struggle of trying to get to the bathroom before his overactive bladder releases. So, there was a layer of urine and tobacco juice everywhere. When our furniture was moved out of the bedroom, I realized just how bad it had gotten and also that I was developing similar slob habits. I am disgusted with myself as well as him. Now that we are in our new apartment, I see it already starting to build up. I don't even go into our bedroom anymore except to get clothes because I sleep on the couch. I haven't unpacked much here. This apartment is significantly smaller than our last apartment so instead of trying to determine what I have room for versus what will have to be put into storage, I just avoid everything.

I'm just so angry at myself for letting everything get this far and get this bad.

That's all I have right now.