I'm Venting...

TW- anger issues, s*lf h*rm, mention of s**cide threat

Aaah I hate this...I am a mess again. This is my first time venting here, I have no clue if anyone sees this or not. I don't care at this point.
My mom is shouting again- she has anger management issues (diagnosed by a therapist) and she didn't get them treated. You know why? Because guess what- she got angry at the therapist. I mean seriously. I wish she cared about what her anger issues put me and my brother through. I am so tired of dealing with her.
Like I'll tell you what- I have to know exactly what she's feeling so that I can predict every single reaction so that I don't end up making a mess. Constant monitoring of the situation so I know when to avoid her. And that monitoring itself has become so bad I almost panic whenever I see her.
She used to hug me all the time. After she got angry at either me or my brother, she'd come back to us with a hug and an apology. "I didn't mean to say all that, it slipped out of my mouth. I am sorry, I love you". It was a big lie. I should have known. I knew it but I should have known better. I hated to go to her with any problems since first she shouted and then said that. Anytime she is angry she has 2 punching bags (me and my brother). She shouts at us, lets her anger out, says stuff so mean I don't want to say it here. More like it is so extreme I don't want to think about it (ok it involves- s**cide threats and that she regrets having us). And then she'll come back and hug and apologise as if that will make everything alright.
But she does this all the time. I don't believe any of it. She forcefully hugs me sometimes, and I hate it. I go and cut. Anyone else hugs me online or otherwise, I think of everything mentioned above, I get triggered. I hate it. I can't avoid this.
Sometimes I think about how everyone loves hugs, they are so warm, nice and cozy. I wish I could enjoy them without thinking of all the bad stuff. But my mom took that
Now I'll go for some "family time" (as if you can call this mess a family) and probably get triggered. I hope I am able to calm down without having to resort to sh.
And then the neglect she put me through. I am good at studies so apparently I did not need any time from a parent. I get good grades so that means I don't need emotional support. Even at school with the bullying, and no one cared me at home.
I came to a very low point, and I am trying to recover and get better. But in this environment where I get triggered all the time, be it home, friend circles or chatrooms (with mentions of hugs), I can't get better. I wish it was easier, I've been through way more than what I can handle.
After all this, I doubt anyone can blame me for not wanting to talk to my mom. But no, my mom calls me ungrateful and other amazing words that I am unwilling to translate. As I said, I am a punching bag here.
I've started feeling very lonely in friend circles too (like if I'm talking to a best friend all of a sudden the bad things hit me and I feel lonely). Same story here again. I wish ....(well no need to repeat it)


Anyways,
I don't know if anyone is seeing this, or read this, or was it an interesting or fun thread...(are all threads meant to be fun?) If you want to, you can reply to this. I don't mind either way.

I'll take your leave here, take care y'all