I'M MORE SCREWED UP THAN YOU (CONTEST) LOL
Im trapped in my thinking, im a prisoner of my puzzled life. im unable to trust, im a little paranoid. Addiction has taken away everything and everybody I love the most leaving me unable to want to take another breath.
Addiction has left me looking like an able person but im unable to care for myself and i cannot get the help i need because although im a very good communicator, im unable to explain or even understand why ive become unable to funtion with even my basic life duties.
I have a daily life full of suffering and i try hard to be a nice person and i am, but people see me as lazy, which im not and i spend amost all my time researching for help and direction and a purpose while struggle being disabled without any help.
When im in public struggling and somebody offers to help me, im so self conscience and frustrated that i can only say "thanks for offering, im ok", but im not ok. I cant get help because i cant trust anybody getting close because i cant even trust myself.
I put in countless hours trying to solve this puzzle while in constan mental and physical pain and i dont want to continue.
Im stuck unable to end it, unable to solve it, and unable to describe how im damaged to anybody.
Ive tried to get help but they cant see the problem im trying to describe so i get abandoned each time, so its becoming painfully apparent to me its all going to colapse soon. Im not ready to explain it all again, it took all u have to finally make lunch so i'll eat and then sleep as long as possible just like all my yesterdays.
Ok, what do ya got?
Being alone with terrible ptsd on gaurd at all times on high alert in fear of fear itself stuck in mediocroty instead of fighting because i cannot control that part of my emotions and in order to remain free ive had to imprison myself and destroy my own abilities for potential retrobution. So my self inflicted mind bending misery is of my own design of a lock for which i have lost the key to allow my life to live, so i dont want to due to my consience telling me i should quit to end the pain and potential. My self esteem is so low that i know not to get back in the ring of life, so i might as well build my own box since ive dug my own hole as i dishonor my own soul.
@TartRipeApples
So my self inflicted mind bending misery is of my own design of a lock for which i have lost the key to allow my life to live, so i dont want to due to my conscience telling me i should quit to end the pain and potential. My self esteem is so low that i know not to get back in the ring of life, so i might as well build my own box since ive dug my own hole as i dishonor my own soul.
those are powerful words apples .... the awareness that youve dug your own hole and make your own box and lost your own key (but name the key in the very next sentence - your self esteem being so low and so the solution is of course to research and learn ways to strengthen your self esteem) the answer is there and known and the self awareness that you have power to affect your life build a box and destroy the box if you choose and have the will to and the only frail mystery is how to get the will to do it - addiction its not something easy to overcome it takes a lot of will to overcome it but that will can be found you can find it dont give up <3
I want to sit back up from the cadaver ive created like frankenstein reborn but if i allow this i may not be in control of the damages earned by those who used and abused me. So trust is hard when I cannot trust myself.
TELL US HOW MESSED UP YOU ARE
I feel a very deep disapointment when i look around at all the evil things going on in our world, and it sounds like a great many of you also see it, and are very saddened very much too. But the fact that so many people see it, and feel depressed by it tells me "we" are all the people that care so much because we can see in our hearts how we wish things were.
How the should be
How they could be
We have such big hearts so we feel let down the most. Our love for, and caring of unfortunite beings makes bearing witness to the chaos that much harder to except.
We know what love and caring really is and we feel that power pumping on every beat of our hearts. This love in our hearts is so powerful and emotionally energized that if we can learn to focus this amazing strength, we could over come anything. We are united by love and caring even if we never meet which is prooved by every heart with each beat.
Pounding hearts full of love and life, tells us all we must fight to improve our lives and set good examples and huddle together and lift eachother up with all we are, and all we want to be. I feel you there, and i know you care, so thank you for all the love we all dare to share. We are not the weak as we find the strength to carry on under some harsh circumstances.
@TartRipeApples I know this was a dumb thread to create. The reason I did though was because I've stopped hiding my problems and spent a year and a half trying to understand myself better. Like firs how do i really feel, then why, and i looked back all the way to my first memories. But now in an attempt to speed up this process, i think trying to find somethings im good at, it occured to me that Ive been through a lot, saw a lot, was ready to give up often; but im still here trying. So i endure well. So no more hiding how i feel, or my pain, guilt, faults, ignorances, so that i can figure out what makes me who i am.
What makes you, who you are?
Let's all heal together!
@TartRipeApples
I don't think it is "dumb" at all, in fact I think it is essential in the process of healing. Introspection is the first thing in first trying to understand ourselves though lingering into introspection may lead to a dead end of madness and no progress. The next obvious step is expore, tell others about your feelings, thoughts, experiences etc. So that they can give their opinion and view angle on who you are, smth you've missed or a different point of view or just sharing similar griefs and feelings and experiences and like you said tmaybe trying to figure out together how to reach the shore...ty...
@waterunderthebridge
Erata: meant "exposure" not expore...
@waterunderthebridge thanks!
Good to see ya
Retrospection - nice description to looking at our conditions thouroly through fluition by mu own admission, this life can seem vicious like a well with no wish left. But through it all, when we share our pain, we feel half as bad, and when we share our joy we feel 10x better deep down in our bones
(trigger warning: high)(remember having issues is not a contest for all matter, but if you wish to contest issues here we go, i hope this will help at least one of us) (this is per btw)
in my mind im a civil war vererin from a different dimension however that dimension only exists in ym head and nowhere else and i still cant get that through my head, not only that but htis head isnt mine, it belongs to someone who is for all accounts dead, not only that but like 7 other people share this body. im not even human to be honest back home i would only be considered half human, more like 1 quarter if we are beings cientific, i had to scarifice my boyfriend for the sake of my troop and we all died anyways because the sacrifice got carried out but nothing could be done with the power gained i mean how fucked up is that!
im not even dead over there, time stopped somehow as i got shot in the head, so im pretty much existing at two places and once and every once in a while i go back to that bubble of violence.
i rarely even exist, only about 1/14th of the time im even existant.
