GregariousAcai247's Journal

I'm currently dealing with these things in my life. Maybe I should talk more about them:

1) I miss my old listener terribly. It's been four months but I cannot get over this loss, no matter what anyone says. I've tried so many different listeners and a therapist (one with amazing reviews too). I just cannot get over it. I'm trying to find a way to deal with it.

2) Why I'm feeling constantly exhausted these days. I understand that it might be work related. Or is it about being around people whom I'd rather not be around? But if I have so much to do, then I should give up worrying about it as well. It's completely pointless. I even made a rule for myself that whenever I'm worrying about these people, I'm going to spend 5 minutes learning Latin. If I'm going to do something unpleasant, might as well be learning Latin rather than this.

3) Just truly, where I would like to go in life. It's a complicated point. I grew up never believing I could amount to anything much. Now I'm just confused whether it's due to my lack of preperation during childhood or just my own limited abilities that I don't seem to get anywhere in life.

I think just one post per day is sufficient. I shouldn't overdo this as I have things to do as well.

Regarding #2, actually the 5 minutes Latin trick works amazingly well! It actually takes my mind off obsessing over negative memories and feelings, AND it makes Latin a whole lot more enjoyable because I'm actively achieving something else in my life while learning Latin. Otherwise, I would have zero motivation for Latin. I need to pass a Latin exam before I can graduate from my phd. I still have years to go and the Latin exam is offered every semester and I keep delaying it. I HATE LEARNING LATIN! It is so hard! But this, maybe this will help me learn. It takes my mind off obsessing over people who have more than me, and feeling down on myself.

I had a dream last night that it was conference day and I hadn't had my presentation at all done. I read that one dream theory says that dreams are way for you to express subconscious feelings/fears. It's like being carthagic. So you're relieved of that fear. Well maybe. Recently I dreamed of coming back to my college and my dear old professors were cold to me because I didn't write them for a long time (I had fears). That was a way of letting go of that fear I guess?

I don't feel too exhausted to move anymore. Probably thanks to the vitamin C pill I've been taking daily. Or the 30 minutes in the gym now? Or maybe I feel like I've got a thesis for my next conference paper so it FEELS like I'm getting this paper done, although I always staggeringly underestimate the amount of time it takes to write a paper until the end.

I'm very down on myself for not having much research output after three years in grad school. I just want to quit and embark on a more practical carreer, like being a tax lawyer. Screw all idealism.

But then when research slightly goes well it makes me happy.

Being an international student in the US restricts me so much ... compared to being a native US student. I should just be grateful for what I have but it's just hard. Alexis de Tocqueville talks about this restless of spirit in the midst of prosperity. It's interesting.

Whenever I sit down to write this darn paper, I just feel so tired. Does that mean that I'm not meant to do research? Being 26 and still not sure what I want to do with my life leaves a sickening and awful feeling in my stomach. I just can't believe that's what my life has come to. I don't want to keep in touch with anyone, for shame about what I have become. I just cannot be 26 and still am not doing anything good with my life. ... But that can't be true, right? How come I'm working so hard, yet I have achieved nothing? Or does it just feel like I'm working hard because I always get so tired whenever it comes to this kind of work.

I feel like this has all been an awful mistake, and my past three years were a throw-away. College was a good time for me, yet I didn't appreciate it enough. I always dreamed of going to grad school and be surrounded by like-minded people. Yet here I am, three years later, without anything to prove for myself. I'm so tired. If only I could drop out, get a job, make some $$$ while rethinking my life, but I can't. I'm restricted because I'm in the US as an international student. I know whatever happens to me here, it's way better than going home. Still...

I guess I need to be easier on myself. And then I still wonder if I'm making excuses for myself to not work hard. But what am I doing? Am I happy?

Feeling so stuck and having no motivation to move on whatsoever. I don't remember being this depressed in college. Or was I ever this depressed? I've learned quite a few productivity tricks since college. College workload seems like a joke at this point for me. Well, I JUST got used to graduate classes LAST semester, which was also, unfortunately, my last semester of coursework.

I'm not going to put my heart into this PhD anymore. But how am I sure that I will like law school any better? I'm still not sure what my problem is. Why am I so tired? Am I just short of introverting time? Am I too alone?

I'm telling myself that I don't need to produce an excellent paper for the upcoming conference. I just need another line on my CV and that is it. This is the smallest conference I will have been to in my entire life. ... Then again, my first conference was rather small too, but people there contributed really good papers. Mine was mediorce. I should rather think of every great and small conferences as a great opportunity to show off my work and make connection.

I really wish I can devote 100% to research, but my life has got to this point. I'm not sure how to get out of it.

Still, I've been feeling much better lately. I guess I'm learning to accept where I am right now and be content with it.

I'm really glad to have met a listener yesterday who really helped. I'm feeling much better about my decision.

Yesterday, I thought I was getting real close to finishing my paper (althought it might have been just an illusion), so I decided to give it a break and work on other things instead. Ah am I deceiving myself?

I'm still not sure what I should do with my life. On the one hand, I really should just focus on fulfilling my daily obligations best as I could. On the other hand, there is still this dreaded feeling that my life is going nowhere. Or really, I so want to just have a real career right now. But grad school. And I know other grad students feel the same, but still they have acheived more than I have.