Finding My Normal {Trigger Warning}
I'm Rebecca, most that know me just refer to me as Becca. I'm 18 now and so have been getting used to being an adult. My journey and life are quite diverse, it never really limits to one topic I'm kind of everywhere and most of the time I make no sense but making no sense in my writing is better than just constantly talking to myself I guess. So I guess this may be my random rambling zone maybe might talk about my day and what's been happening. Please all I ask is I don't care if people read what I have here but don't attack me or anything over what I write this is my safe place.
To start out I guess I'll kind of explain what I go through. I struggle and have struggled with many disorders for several years or my whole life. I have Autism, ADHD, Borderline Personality, Depression, and Idiopathic Hypersomnia, and have some symptoms of Bipolar and PTSD though are not diagnosed. All of these together usually always affect me at the same time, compounding the issues caused so that it's even harder to deal with. And on top of that I only recently turned 18 so I have a lot going on like me trying to learn independent living skills and trying to find a place that I can consider home.
So it's only morning here as I'm writing this now so nothing has really happened yet, I just woke up a little bit ago. The past few days I've been finding that it's really difficult to deal with things when I have nothing to do so been trying to keep myself busy and this journal may be me trying to stay busy I guess. I do have work today so I think mostly I'll be able to stay busy but I have my sister coming to visit for the weekend which is really hard for me because of difficulties in our relationship due to her always calling me attention seeking for my past. Which I get it the stigma is so so strong relating to all mental health especially that it's attention seeking but it still hurts. So kind of between expecting tonight to end badly and also been trying to cope with the urges that have been constant through the past few weeks.
I guess I should mention why the urges have been bad, or maybe like what's been going on the last few weeks, i'm not going to share my whole story yet because that's a lot and I'll probably share it another day, but I guess I'll share a little bit. I've been slowly burning myself out, mostly with work because of how things are ending up seeming to me. At work, I am one of the employees that is the most dependable and I get my work done and never call out sick unless it's absolutely necessary (and even then they just say no to me calling out) because I hate letting people down. When someone else calls out sick or if it's busy, I'm the first one called in the first to increase my hours, which often leads me into overtime, but sometimes causing my days to go from 8 hours up to 16 at the most in a day. Which I think most people know is way too much, and it's been something I've had to pull occasionally even before I turned 18. So I'm the one that always comes in when others need help, but when I ask for help, nobody is available or I can get it done on my own is what I am told. Which yes technically I can get it done on my own if I'm in a panic attack and having to run around work to get it done, and I have asthma, so when that happens, I can't breathe and usually am not the nicest to the customers that I am not directly helping because they get in the way of getting my tasks done.
On top of work, I've been sleeping less and less every day, and I'm exhausted during the day. But even when I have time I keep myself busy, I can't sit down and relax, because as soon as I sit still the urges come back, I just want to get up and keep running. And the more time I have on my hands the worse things get. So I guess that's where I'm stuck.
I'm not really what else to share for right now, but I'm going to tag a few people that might want to keep up with my story I guess. And I'll be back at some point to add to my story as I have time and feel like writing.
@PeaceLoveandPaws @LuLuRings @Karrot @ASilentObserver
So it's the end if the day yet again. I woke up and was ok I guess. I slept pretty good last night and was actually pretty well. But stuff went downhill very quickly and not much even happened. But like all day since, Ive basically felt like a failure and that I do everything wrong since. And the urges have been horrible most of the day. I came really close to acting on them . but homehow I didn't, so I can still say I'm clean. I had work again even though I am still sick. And tomorrow should be great, it's supposed to be the busiest day of the week which typically means my 15 hour day. though I'm only scheduled for 7 hours, I'll see how that goes.
Today since I got to work I was able to mostly calm down and have even been able to talk to my friend ongoing for more than 4 hours now, which has been really fun. But i guess that's it. I don't really have much to share tonight again.
