Finding My Normal {Trigger Warning}

@FindingNormal *Huggs* I am so proud of you for being able to share this with us. If anyone tries to attack you or not follow guidelines let me know and ill step in lovely. You are so strong and amazing. I have seen your progress since you were a teen and am so proud of all the amazing steps in progress that you have made. Through good and bad times finding ways to push through these times and you do not even know how proud I am of you becca. I hope this thread is a safe place for you and know that my pms are a safe haven for you and will be a safe place to express what is going on.

@FindingNormal

Thank you for sharing you story. I'm honored you chose to share your story with me. I look forward to reading more! It took a lot of courage for you to tell your story and I admire your strength.

So the day is over, I guess. I wasn't really expecting much but I knew kind of what to expect from my day, work and the family dinner. Work honestly got really rough because of having to run, apparently stuff had happened before I got there with my coworkers and so people are mad, and we don't really know how it's going to affect the coming weeks. But it's also the day that the schedule comes out for the coming week, finding out I have 3 days possibly off, though I'm always on call. I noticed I have one of the days requested off so now I have to go in and figure out what the request is for, if I'm missing an appointment on my calendar or something because I'm really forgetful.

Other than the schedule coming out it was a really busy day at work, and it's how it works, the first weekend is always the busiest of the month, especially Sundays which is typically the day I've ended up working 15 hour shifts, which is also one of the days I am actually scheduled off, so I know I'm going to lose one of my days off pretty much. But working today it took the few of us there running around for several hours before we managed to get past the rush and I was able to get off early to get to family dinner.

Family dinner was alright I guess, my sister actually treated me like I'm human which is not something I get very often. I kind of got her and her boyfriend's stories on wisdom teeth removal, something that I have to have done next month and we kind of talked. Had dinner, which a lot of times I refuse to eat or have very little because of having an eating disorder, but after dinner I got really overwhelmed and just really wanted to isolate. I know I could have driven back to moms house where I've been living but then they had been pestering me about why wasn't I playing games with everyone else? And then even when it was getting late and I wanted to leave they still wanted to know why, they acted like it was weird for someone to leave, I don't even know but it stressed me out.

And then of course I got back to mom's house and got comfortable and that's where I'm at now, have some snacks even though I'm not hungry, its comforting to have something to snack on as I type this, I know I'm weird and going between not eating and eating way too much I know it's not the same thing but it's what I keep doing and yes it's a problem but I don't know how else to change things. And going to bed tonight knowing that I probably won't wake up until time to get ready for work tomorrow to start yet another cycle of life, I guess.

I guess that's it of my day, not too much happened so I guess now just time to relax until I can finally go sleep and hopefully not have to fight the nightmares.

Goodnight world.

I don't really especially feel like writing right now because today's been really rough but I made myself kind of like a commitment that I would post something every day. So I guess here we go.

When I woke up this morning I already had a message on my phone saying I was needed early for work, as always. I was going to go back to sleep but at that point I just couldn't so I got up and mom said could you get a few things from the store before you come home tonight, and I was like fine whatever. But going in I was going in for an 11 hour shift and I knew that. So when I get to work all hell has broken loose, everything was going wrong and we had to figure it out and fix it, which we hadn't messed up so bad in months, so it was really stressful, we were way behind and everyone was getting irritated with us for not having everything ready to go. We do orders and we didn't have things ready when people came.

So time going past, we little by little caught up and at some point they ended up bringing us to a party for one of the managers because it was his last day today, and so we were fine enough to all get to go chill for a few minutes and get some cake. But I guess for me it's weird seeing the manager leave because I've already been through the last complete change of management and now they are changing a little again so like I've outlasted some of the management working in my location. And seeing people come and go is kind of stressful, but I guess things change so much you just have to get used to things doing just that and not getting attached to people.

slowly my coworkers shifts ended and they could leave since it wasn't too bad and I was left alone, so still trying to run around and finish the last of everything and having been there for 9 hours already at that point I was exhausted. Finally got everything done and had a chance for a break before I actually looked at the shopping list my mom gave me, and it was like a whole shopping trip which really made me mad. Finally got her stuff checked out and by the time I was able to get out, I had been at work for 11 1/2 hours. So I just got home now kind of flipped at mom over the shopping list, and she apparently thinks its ok to use me as her personal shopper just because i live in her house. She knew how long I was working and she wants me to do everything for her still.

My mom is a complete control freak. Everything must be done her way or no way. She's technically kicked me out when she found out I started smoking but then she still expects me to live in her house, and contribute but she keeps wanting me to do more contribute more, now wanting me to start paying bills to live here when all I want to do is get out. Honestly I'm so sick of living in an abusive home where nobody even knows what they expect of me. I'm tired of acting perfect, I'm tired of not being allowed to not be ok. Because every time one person started trying to force me to be ok, I end up flipping out and going silent on everyone because nobody wants to hear how im actually doing, right?

I'm not really sure what's going through my head anymore I just want it to be quiet. I guess I'll say goodnight, cause honestly I don't really know what else to say.

So I've kind of found myself to be drifting off towards sleep, so I guess it's time to do my journal for today just in case. I am so exhausted and it's weird because I usually don't get hit so hard by a long day but I guess first thing for everything.

So my day started really early because of gaining a shift today, I was expecting it at least but usually we are usually really good and have people called in and it ends up being ok. But throughout the day it was just on the edge where we couldn't justify calling someone else in but it was really overwhelming for the people we had too. So while everyone else was kind of procrastinating and walking off and everything, I kept running, and running, and runnning. I kept going and going and going, and ended up doing most of the work of the day single handedly. Which is very stressful and it's more than I've ever done on my own. And not sure if me moving fast for so long is why my body is now reacting so much worse, but by the end I was so ready to get off my feet.

At the very end I could barely walk, and I still feel bad for leaving before things were completely ok but i think I did good and I was told to leave because I don't really think I would have been very useful anymore anyway. Plus I was there for more than 11 hours once again. I went by and got some food for dinner, sat down and ate it, before going back to my room and getting comfortable in pajamas, and the goal for me is I need to stay up till later so I don't end up napping and waking back up at midnight because that's only going to make things worse. But sadly I've already fallen asleep for a few minutes so not sure if I am going to be able to stay up much longer.

But anywho, not much happened today, it was a stressful day at work but its looking like work will basically be my only waking hours for today. So I guess that's where I will wrap up for now, shorter than usual but I don't really have much to say, and too tired to do much for now.

@Gracey

Time for the journal of the day, and I guess I should probably say now that it's a lot. Probably would have done a separate one this morning but not enough time.

So I guess I should start out with the fact that I woke up from a nightmare this morning. Slept 12 hours, but had nightmares the whole time which really sucks, and I don't even really know what it means. So I dreamed that there were a bunch of people who were sick with I guess some sickness that doesn't really affect anything but like everyone was trying to kill everyone off that had that sickness. Of course I had the sickness in the dream, so I was running from everyone. But at some point there was someone who decided to try to help me get rid of the sickness, and someone found out that he was helping me, so like they also started trying to kill him too. So like everyone that ever really stuck up for me put themselves in danger. And I guess that's how it feels every day, it's like nobody should even bother trying to help me and really nobody does. But there wasn't really any end to the dream, I just woke up confused.

So I went to work after that, I came in it wasn't horrible with how much work, it was enough where we stayed busy and had to hurry, but it was just me and my supervisor and it was manageable for the most part. But it was still stressful amd made for a long day. It was also rainy for the later part of the day which really sucks because we work partially outside and I hate having to go out in the rain because it doesnt feel too good to have to keep working in wet clothes. But have to do what I have to do and kept moving. I was getting to the end of the day, most work was done I was just waiting on specific people to show up so I had a little bit of a break that I was able to spend shopping at work.

On my way around the store, which the goal was mainly to stock my fridge at home because most of my food had gone bad and I was using it as an excuse to not eat, or to only eat when i was able to go out. And that's not really good for me because I already struggle with an eating disorder so excuses are not good. But on my way around the store I met someone I hadn't seen in so long. It was one of the staff members from the hospital where I stayed for 14 ish months a couple years ago. I was on break at the time so didn't have my name tag on but she called me by name and gave me a hug, asked me how things are going, if I'm taking care of myself, and stuff like that. I was trying to be honest but also trying not to just talk about how things are horrible right now, so I said mostly and she tried to get on me about that answer.

It's just so weird because like I don't know how I am that memorable that someone would remember me this long after, and even want to check on me. But she found my workplace, not sure if she knew it was my workplace or not since uniform is casual, so she might think she just happened to run into me, idk. But it was so weird to run into a familiar face and actually get a hug, I never get hugs from anyone so it was kind of nice too. But idk still so weird.

I finally got off work and got to come home, I did end up stopping for dinner on the way home because I wanted a hot meal and I really don't feel like cooking after a long day, especially having to go into work again first thing tomorrow morning. I got home, I was able to eat, I opened up the package that came in today, which was my retainer bars for my industrial piercing, and so I changed out my bar with my retainer, since its supposed to be more comfortable and help the healing process, as well as I can't have the metal bar in when its time for my surgeries. So I finally got them changed out which is leading to my now writing my journal.

I guess the only other thing i have to add for tonight is the reason I have to go in early tomorrow morning on what was supposed to be one of my few days off. The other day apparently my coworker had a temper tantrum over working because she keeps using pregnancy as an excuse, so we've been trying to figure out since then if she was going to show up this week or not. But today I found out she's getting kicked out of the department because we can't rely on her so we are having all of her shifts covered for the week. So I am covering her shift tomorrow, when she still might show up, so if she shows up I get to ignore her and try to just focus on myself. So I'm not really sure how tomorrow will go, if that will cause issues or not. But I at least have a shorter shift because I have to leave to get across town for a doctors appointment.

I haven't been to a doctor in about 3 years probably, and so I finally made an appointment with a new doctor since I'm 18 now i dont need to go to a children's doctor. So I'm really nervous about how tomorrow will go because I dont know what all they will ask or what will happen or anything, So I guess I'm trying to wish myself luck and hope for the best for tomorrow, because I'm so anxious about it.

I guess that's it for tonight, I know it was long but thank you for whoever decides to read this.

@ASilentObserver

I was tempted for a bit to skip my journal for tonight, but I guess that would be a bad idea. Today's been pretty rough between everything and I guess I just want it to end, I'm not really sure how it would end though, because today is just like any other day and its like it just keeps repeating itself.

I guess I should talk about what happened today, but that's kind of a lot of different stuff. I guess starting with the morning, it was very early and I don't really like the whole working night then the next morning, but mornings are my favorite shift for work,. Of course that depends on when or if I get off, because I like to have some time when I get home to do real life stuff, and be able to relax but not sleep. But when I got to work, I could already tell it was going to be a busy morning because of how much I saw, but I wasn't sure how much was normal since usually my former coworker was always the morning person on weekdays. I found out she's being fired which makes for a bit of complications for the department because there are not very many of us. Like this week I've already gained more than 20 hours from the schedule, which I have to say is exhausting.

But back to it being busy, I kind of made it clear early on that it was not a day that one person alone was going to be able to keep up with the days work, which is how things were scheduled. So one person got called in but I was having to leave for my appointment and my supervisor was blowing me off thinking that it's a slow day so things must calm down soon so trying to avoid coming in. She didn't get there until after I had left and when I checked in after my appointment she acknowledged that it was a lot and that she had been needed and I was needed back to work, so I had another split shift which makes for an even longer day. Soon after I got back after my appointment though, she left so it was like I was only needed back so she could leave. She put it on the fact that she wasn't supposed to be there today as was one of her days off but it was my day off too. And this week I've gone from 3 days off now to only one. And I'm questioning whether or not I'll actually get the day off so I swear if I have to work tomorrow I will end up getting to my breaking point, it's too much. I'm working more than 50 hours this week already and it's just so much to deal with.

Finishing up with work, another person had gotten there and we were finishing up most of the work. So like I'm about to walk out the door before he asks if I mind waiting for him to use the restroom and get a drink from Starbucks real quick, and its like really? You just got here. But I was like fine ok but then I had to go outside, no big deal. As soon as I got a bit away from the store, a downpour of rain started so I had to finish outside without my rain jacket which I didn't expect to need at the moment, and I was soaking wet by the time I got back inside. I got off work right after that so I was able to get out of the wet clothes but wet hair is not fun to deal with, especially from the rain and I'm just waiting on a chance to get a shower, which probably won't happen until tomorrow.

Anyway back to my appointment I went in, and met with the first nurse and she was hilarious, she was taking my vitals and my heartrate kept increasing and she was getting worried and I was sitting there like promising her it was just anxiety, and she just kept making me laugh, making my heartrate increase more so she just waited on that while we talked about other stuff before I finally calmed down enough for an accurate reading.Once she finished up all my questions and stuff she sent off for the doctor and I got to meet with her. In this talk I got a really bad impression of her. Like she was so judgemental of my age, literally asked if I had family seeing the practice because 18 year olds don't normally go to their practice apparently. So my thoughts went to like well where did she want me to go? I kind of need a doctor and I'm not sure where else to turn.

Then trying to ask about seeing an OBGYN because I've been having issues and she flat out told me no, she won't make a referral and she won't recommend it until I'm 21. So like telling me that I can't get answers that I've been told to look for with that kind of doctor. And it just makes me mad because like once again my age is preventing me from getting the help I need and honestly I can't even deal with how I got treated, like I have one more appointment which is for my physical but if I continue to get discouraged and judged, I'll be looking for another new doctor really soon.

And I guess it leads to my last point about stuff that happened today, when I got home from work finally, I was talking to my mom or trying to because tomorrow is supposed to be my one day off, and the only thing she cares about is im using my day off to clean my room right? Doesn't matter that I have not had a chance to just rest and I'm like crashing from all the hours. No it only matters that I get my room perfect because thats all she cares about. And if I make progress on it she just asks like why didnt you finish it all? Like completely ignoring that I did anything on it to begin with. And then the threat that shes going to clean my room for me which is basically her telling me shes going to throw all my stuff away and find something that shes going to try to kick me out of the house over once again, I really hate it. Honestly I just want to get away from it all but I don't know where to turn.

And tomorrow I go back for my meds check where I was supposed to start a new med that they were supposed to call me about instructions for like 3 weeks ago, but they never did so I'm still not on my meds, and so now I get to talk to him tomorrow which is good at least because I know I can mostly trust him, but I'm scared to tell him how much worse things have gotten over the last couple months. Like last time I had to report one relapse, now I have to report like 7 more? And I can't even tell him I attempted either, that's too much, he would freak out and I don't really feel like being in another facility again. So I'm not really sure what to do for tomorrow to be honest or partially or whatever, I just don't know.

But I guess that's actually it for tonight, it's been a long day and I know it's another long post.

Goodnight

So I guess I can say it's been an eventful day. I don't think this journal will be as long as the last couple though. So my morning started early again because of my appointment this morning.

I got to my appointment and was able to talk to the doctor about the more recent relapses, as well as mentioning the thoughts that I've had but I didn't end up mentioning the attempt. He didn't ask so I was too scared to tell. But he put me on a new sleep medicine which I just realized I intended to go pick up today but I forgot and now it's too late. I guess I'm picking it up tomorrow then. But I also had to reapply for the treatment that he really wanted me to get into, and we've been fighting for me to get it for about 5 months now. So I had to make some phone calls and I start this new treatment next week.

This kind of scares me because the medicine is one thats supposed to like really get to your head, like enough to make someone under the influence so I'm nervous about the first treatment and how I might react and stuff like that, but the first treatment is on Tuesday. I had to make phone calls to like the drug company and back to my doctor afterwards to schedule my appointments and like trying to make a profile for the drugs I'm getting perscribed was a pain in the behind. I had to figure out insurance information as well as the savings card and like I didn't know all the numbers and the lady on the phone was getting so irritated with me. The guy I talked to when I called back was so much more understanding and tried to help more. So I'm hoping it's gotten fixed correctly now.

When I got home from my appointment, I took a nap. It felt really good, and I'm still really tired and I haven't done anything much today so I guess it's just one of the higher impact days of idiopathic hypersomnia. And I feel bad because I accidentally fell asleep in the middle of a conversation last night so that was great. I woke up at like 5 am with my phone beside me because I just crashed.

Anyway when my mom got home this afternoon from work, she was like freaking out over the fact that I've stayed in my room. Which is so typical of her, she likes to be mad at me for not staying in public areas like she thinks me sitting in my room means that im in a crisis and it doesn't. I'm just so sick of her trying to control everything I do. Like seriously, am I not allowed to chill in my room to avoid having to see the shows she wants to watch or hear her very loudly talking on the phone? It's not always about mental health sometimes its about i hate her and I just want to get away from people. Especially since she doesn't care about what's going on in the first place.

But other than the couple things I had to do, nothing really happened. I'm not too happy about my only day off work being over though, I really don't especially want to have to wake up in the morning I want another day because like I'm so tired everything hurts, mostly my head. And I meant to take a shower and run to the pharmacy to get my new med but I forgot. But yea mostly I've been chilling, just trying to bide my time. Also starting to freak out cause realized I have 5 appointments next week, one every day oops. Oh well I guess I have a long week again.

Anyway I'm tired so I'm hoping that I can stay up a bit longer but might not happen. I guess I'll try hoping for the best here.

Goodnight world.

I'm going to try to make tonight's journal short because I honestly don't feel too great.

I didn't get much sleep last night because i was just up coughing and today's been going the same way. I'm exhausted and honestly not wanting to keep going to work this week, I just want and need time to rest but I never call out. I'm just frustrated with so much including just being needed all the time and being so tired. I have 5 appointments next week and not really looking forward to any of them and i just want to sleep.

I guess that's all for tonight, like I said keeping it short since I don't feel so great.

Time yet again for the journal of the day.

So I woke up this morning still really sick, like woke up and wanted to go straight back to bed, but of course itwas time to get up and try to eat so I tried to start cooking, and I got far enough in where I couldn't really go lay back down but I got super dizzy and went and grabbed a chair brought it to the stove to try to keep cooking. At this point I tried calling out of work, but I basically got told no because there was nobody else to come in and it was too busy. And keeping in mind too I get called in when one of my other coworkers calls out sick or I get left on my own when someone is supposed to help me calls out. but I was told no, everyone else is able to call out but not me. And honestly I'm sick of that fact like it's just not fair. It's not fair and not right especially considering how many hours ive already worked this week. I'm already in overtime and I still have a whole shift tomorrow to deal with.

Anywho my supervisor just left after a little bit just stopped working because I don't even know why, she just always does that. She likes to just kind of disappear on us even though she gets mad at everyone else for doing the same. But yea I'm still sick I'm feeling slightly better and I finally picked up some cold medicine so hopefully will be feeling better soon, but I'm just so frustrated. With so much, and it's so hard to cope with. But I guess it's something I just have to deal with for now. I'm ready to not have to deal with people trying to use me and honestly at this point I feel like I deserve to be used. Everyone else matters and that just keeps getting proved again and again and I just can't really fight that.

Anyway tonight is about over, just time to think and it's not going so great. But I'll get through it, it's just another day and I guess I just need to get used to things. That's it for tonight.

Goodnight world.

So it's the end if the day yet again. I woke up and was ok I guess. I slept pretty good last night and was actually pretty well. But stuff went downhill very quickly and not much even happened. But like all day since, Ive basically felt like a failure and that I do everything wrong since. And the urges have been horrible most of the day. I came really close to acting on them . but homehow I didn't, so I can still say I'm clean. I had work again even though I am still sick. And tomorrow should be great, it's supposed to be the busiest day of the week which typically means my 15 hour day. though I'm only scheduled for 7 hours, I'll see how that goes.

Today since I got to work I was able to mostly calm down and have even been able to talk to my friend ongoing for more than 4 hours now, which has been really fun. But i guess that's it. I don't really have much to share tonight again.