Diary of a Workaholic...
Dear diary,
I am a Bright Penguin and a workaholic one too. This is my first entry and I was prompted to write this because I need someone to talk to.
My employer has just ordered everyone to start working from office again and I feel sad because of it. Now I have less time to spend around my mother and my dog. Moreover, I have been overworked lately due to lack of staff in my team, so I may have been doing what should have been done by a team of 2-4 people. On top of that, I also have a part-time job, am preparing for a certification, as well as looking for another job.
It's difficult to juggle this all already, but today I felt that I hit my limit. After nearly 12 hours at work (which happens every day), I crashed at home. I was supposed to workout, prepare for an upcoming interview and take a test for my certification. I ended up watching YouTube for 1.5 hour, did not workout, did not prepare for the interview, and did not do well on the test. There were 22 problems, I was only able to reach 18 questions even after skipping a handful of those. Out of the questions I answered, I was pretty sure some of them were wrong.
Tomorrow, everything starts all over again. I am going to wake up at 5, reach the office at 7.30 and crashed at home again at 9pm. I wonder how I can get out of this trap. This is not where I wanted to be at this age.
Sincerely,
Bright (and Workaholic) Penguin
I understand how hard office life is, especially when employers aren't offering flexibility, even after everything we collectively went through and SHOULD HAVE learned from 2020. It's clear that many places did not learn much. Commuting is extra exhuasting and leaves me feeling empty and like I have no energy to do anything else, too. The work/life balance is non-existent when commuting. Workplaces need to wake up and realize if they want to retain employees, they need to do more, so losing workers because they'd rather wfh is important.
Is there a reason you have to work so much? Are you supporting your household alone? Would you be able to find a "remote first", WFH job in your field? It's hard, I feel you.
@cjbxo707 Hi there. Thanks for your response. The reason I work long hours is because my main job requires long hours. It's quite demanding and my employer feels that they can get away by not hiring more people (when they should have had hired more people). It's also a bit of a dead-end job. So I'm really putting myself into work so that I can switch to a better job where the management would care more about the mental health of its workers.
I hope you are well, my friend. I really appreciate your concern.
I see. That's definitely a tough situation. I hope you're able to get out of it, someday your hard work will pay off. I'm feeling burnt out in my job too, and it hasn't even been 3 months yet.
@cjbxo707 I'm so sorry to hear that. Three months is still a short time, maybe you should allow yourself to adapt -- but never ignore warning signs. Some things you should not adapt to.
Do your colleagues feel the same way? If so, have you tried looking for another job
Dear diary,
Bright (and workaholic) penguin here. I feel a bit better today. The work hour is still long, but I was able to get off earlier than usual today. Besides I asked for day off for tomorrow and the day after. Finally! Enough sleep at last!
When I got home today, my dog was waiting at the door. She was really cute in greeting me home. She jumped around, stood on two feet, and played with me briefly. After shower, I ate dinner with mom and had some time to talk to her. I also had some time to work out and prepare for my interview tomorrow.
I had a call with a stranger on Facebook for the mock interview. I had to admit his accent was a bit difficult to understand and the interview did not go smoothly. In the middle, he abruptly left Zoom because of family emergency. I hope nothing bad happens to him or his family.
I can wake up a little later tomorrow, but I am a bit anxious about the interview. Will I do well on it? There's only one way to find out...
Sincerely,
Bright (and Workaholic) Penguin
Dear diary,
It's been a few days since I last wrote to you. Lots of things have happened in the past few days. I went through five job interviews in the span of two days. On the weekend, I also had four mock interviews with friends I met on Facebook. In addition to that, I only slept four hours last night, worked early today and went home pretty late. It feels like I can fall asleep anytime I close my eyes. 😅
But things are good. Yesterday, my father returned from another city and today we were able to have dinner together. I am grateful for the fact that I can still spend some time with my father, my mother, and my dog. (My sister is abroad, so I cannot spend time with her yet but will be grateful for that chance). Today I want to meditate and sleep early. Tomorrow, I want to start applying for jobs again since I don't think I did well in the final round interview last Friday. We'll see though.
Sincerely,
Bright Penguin
Dear diary,
Let's not talk about what I did today. Today has been very typical: just working my *** off like a donkey (though I am still a penguin 😁). As I wrote to you before, I had some time to rest yesterday -- which is also true for today. Having time to rest means having time to think for a bright penguin.
I thought about a lot of things and I realized why I feel I don't belong here: I am surrounded by people who seem complacent. My colleagues do not seem to have ambition to do more than required on the job, my parents (I love them so) also seem to not care about pursuing anything outside of their day-to-day activities. I feel that things have slowed down to a near halt; they are not growing anymore. But I don't want to be like that. I want to be a little better every day; I'm not content in just following the motion. I hope one day I will meet people with this mind set. Maybe at that time I'll feel that I belong?
Sincerely,
Bright (but Lonely) Penguin
Dear diary,
It's been a long time since we talked. I have been busy over the past few days doing practice interviews and preparing for my certification exam. I can't believe it, in two weeks I'll have to take that exam and I don't feel prepared. I hope I will be able to utilize the little time that I have left to prepare well.
I also felt down recently. The company that I applied to did not get back to me; this is probably a sign of rejection. In any case, I am going to move on quickly and apply to other companies. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with these things; so many things to do, so little time.
But, I've been happy too. This weekend has been good. I bought good food for dinner and I ate it with my father and mother. Then I had some time to watch Mystic River yesterday. What a film!
Sincerely,
Bright (and Hopeful) Penguin
Dear diary,
Bright penguin in the house! Hfff, today is tough. This morning I was trapped in a traffic for 1.5 hours. There was an accident on the road and it was blocked by all the officials trying to help the unlucky driver. I hope everything was OK.
As soon as I arrived in the office, there was an urgent call which luckily I was able to handle quickly. The lunch break was good though. I managed to slip out from the office and went to a coffee shop I liked. I spent the entire lunch break just reading book and sipping milk tea. You know, if I can spend the rest of my life doing that, I think I wouldn't mind.
Dinner was a bit weird today. I was having nice dinner with my father and mother. My father bought some duck meat which was wrapped in paper. For some reason, he was upset when he looked that the duck meat was not yet moved to a plate. I was baffled by this; sometimes he seemed so eager to be upset that he finds the slightest thing to upset him. Maybe low self-esteem? I don't know.
After dinner and brief workout, I had a call with my job interviewer. She took some time to call me and explain that I was not accepted for the job. What a nice way of telling me. She gave me some feedback too. I am grateful for this -- but, for some unknown reason, the event after dinner seems to stay in the back of my mind.
I guess it reminds me of my freedom when I lived in the US. I was alone back then, but there was no one who gets upset at dinner. I ate my meal peacefully and my mood is preserved. When things like these happen, I always ruminated about my lack of freedom here. I have to admit I was a pampered, sheltered child -- but sometimes it can feel stifling too.
What does the bright penguin want? A gold cage or the blue sky? The blue sky of course! ... and I'm on my way to reach it.
Sincerely,
Bright (and Hopeful) Penguin
Dear diary,
Today I went home through a different route. The traffic was awful, but it gave me time to reflect. I saw a shopping mall I often went to prior to COVID-19. Roughly two years ago, I walked around in that mall and saw a lovely couple in a clothing store. They were telling jokes to each other and they seemed happy.
I don't know for sure why this memory stayed with me after all this time -- but perhaps it's trying to tell me something. It did remind me of my ex from years ago, when I lived in the US. There is warm, fuzzy feeling that comes to you when you're in a good relationship. It is as if suddenly the present is all that matters, the past and the future irrelevant. I haven't felt like that for slightly more than two years now. I do miss that feeling, and yet I responded to girl's interest with indifference. I guess I'm not ready to commit and settle where I am now. This is not where I belong. I have to move somewhere else and then, maybe, I will be ready to commit.
If only I was born in America...
Sincerely,
Bright (and Lonely) Penguin
Dear diary,
Yesterday was pretty fun. My work day was pretty much unremarkable, but I had a mock interview with someone new from Facebook. He seemed to be a nice guy and turned out he was pursuing the same certification as I am. After the mock interview, we chatted a bit and I lost sleep because of that.
As a result, today was exhausting for me. I was able to work without distraction, but because I only slept for 5 hours the day before, I mostly felt sleepy. I accomplished lots of things though and I feel happy because of that. Way to go, Bright and Productive Penguin! Here's a pat on the back for you! ✋
I found good music too while I was coding. When I arrived home, I put it on YouTube and listened to it multiple times. Then I was trapped by YouTube's recommendation engine -- I spent one hour, ONE PRECIOUS HOUR, watching YouTube videos. I vow to myself, never to let myself procrastinate again. I was supposed to workout, read and then sleep. But now I no longer have the time to read. Ironically, the productive penguin sometimes procrastinates too. 😁
Sincerely,
Bright (and Exhausted) Penguin
Dear diary,
I feel happy today. This morning I took a trip to the office of my former manager. I arrived at the train station early this morning, then I took the journey by train. It's funny how things look different from inside the train. You get to see buildings from the back, popping in and out of the screen. In the background, there are tall buildings that seem to stay for long. It reminds me of six years ago, when I used to take Caltrain from Mountain View to San Francisco.
I was planning to walk from the train station to my ex-manager's office, except that I walked in the wrong direction. It took me some time to realize that I was getting further away from my destination! But arrive I did -- tired, sweaty, out-of-breath, complete with my foggy glasses. Then I got to talk to my ex-manager. We caught up with each other and he learned about what had become of his previous project after he left (hint: not good). But he seemed cheerful as always. Afterwards, he took me for a tour around his office and had lunch together.
I read something relevant in LinkedIn today. The actual line escapes my memory, but it says about how a good boss is impossible to forget. I will add to that, that a good boss is also impossible to replace. I am grateful that I was able to work for him. Today made me realize all the precious people around me. I wish every day can be as happy as this one.
Best regards,
Bright (and Happy) Penguin
Dear diary,
I'm sorry for not writing to you for the past 2 weeks; it's been so hectic for me. Lots of things happened in the past two weeks. Last Thursday, I went to the test for my certification. It was difficult, but I think it went well. Oh, and it was Thanksgiving too in the US!
The past few days have been exhausting for me. I was trying to squeeze in lots of activities and got less sleep as a result. Despite routine and vigorous exercise, I've been gaining weight. Maybe it's because the lack of sleep and high stress level. But I promised that I would take better care of my body, by allowing it to rest and sleep more often.
Today I cannot get enough sleep again. I had a call to the US, with my part-time job supervisor. There were new colleagues and I'm happy to see them. But the DST made the time difference so drastic. There was a 15-hour difference with California; the meeting starts at 11pm where I am. I will go to sleep at midnight and wake up tomorrow at 5am. Hopefully I can get better sleep tomorrow.
Best regards,
Bright (and Very Exhausted) Penguin
