I hate making eye contact, which I just realized. When someones talking to me, looking at them makes me feel weird. Like Im either not looking at them soon enough or Im looking away to quickly. And when they look back at me, it feels like theyre staring at me. And when people started at me, it feel like theyre judging me. Like everything I say is wrong but I dont realize it so I keep talking, and they just think Im oblivious to how stupid what Im saying is. And then they think Im stupid but honestly who doesnt? Because everyone in the room is thinking about you. Everyone secretly hates you and theyre just your friend because they feel bad for you. They feel bad and they dont want other people to be mean to you because your so stupid, so theyre youre friend. But they dont like what youre saying and they think its stupid. They believe its stupid. And so I started to believe Im stupid too. Majority rules, after all. And then I hate myself and I truly believe everyone hates me too. And they would hate me even more if they knew the truth.
So I was at a dinner thing tonight with two other families and it was so bad. I was super anxious going into it because I don't know these people, so they're bound to ask me a lot of questions. At first the adults were all talking to me and I was not doing a very good job, and then a kid came out (older than me by 2 years) and asked me stuff about my teachers, which was also awkward because I don't know who my teachers were. Then I was invited inside to watch a movie so I went inside and that was all fine because nobody talked to me because they were watching the movie. But then there was food, and I don't like to accept food when I'm at someone else's house because it makes me feel like I'm a burden, so I just said I wasn't hungry and that I didn't need anything to drink. Then there was the whole 'are you sure?' thing, which was also awkward. Ah, this was short and rushed but I have to go more on this tomorrow!!
Ew, school. I don't like it for many reasons. One of them is this: I'm always afraid I'm going to the wrong class. Also, I don't like being the first one in a classroom. So, for the past few days I've been walking to whatever stairwell is closest to the classroom I'm in and then walking to the next class. It's really stupid. I don't know why I don't want to be the first in a classroom, because I was fine with it last year. S much is different this year. When I walk around to avoid being the first in a classroom, I can't let anybody see me, or else they'll think I'm weird. So sometimes I have to go up the stairs when my class is downstairs. And sometimes I'll see someone who's in the class I'm going to (or not going to) and then have to make up some reason I'm going upstairs. I still have the old fear from last year, that whenever the classroom phone rings it's for me and I'm in trouble, even though it's only been for me ONE TIME and I wasn't even in trouble, so I don't know where that came from. Also I hate changing in gym, but probably because there's some people I don't like very much in my gym class. AND just generally having butterflies in my stomach and feeling like I want to throw up, which is a whole heck of a fun time. Good stuff: some of my classes aren't horrible, and in one of them whenever we're doing independent work we get to listen to music, also one of my teachers is awesome and on the first day he had us write on an index card 1-10, 10 was he could call on us even if our hand wasn't raised, and 1 was we'd start bawling if he looked at us. I put 4, because I didn't want to do any lower in case it looked weird (even though I know he wouldn't care) and I didn't want to do any higher because I didn't want to be called on. It was really nice that he did that, though. I just started listening to In The Heights and also started listening to an old band I used to love, and I realized I had a good taste in music in 4th grade. Well, this was pretty unorganized but I'll try and pick a thing from here and 'write long' about it, as teachers say.
I haven't done this in WAAAYYY too long. Because of school. Yeah, school sucks. So, what's up with me these days? Well, nothing new. But I do have some updates. I'm in this club, (I was in it last year, too) and whenever I go there I get nervous. One time I had french and we were doing a speaking activity and I had a meeting with the club right after and I almost cried because a) I was so nervous about the club and b) I hate doing speaking activities. In french next week we have ANOTHER thing but it's a presentation with is going to be a hecking good time (yeah no). I've started doing this thing where I don't raise my hand in class but I say the answer in my head? I guess I want to participate but I can't? Welp, gotta go. (sorry for the shortness)
