Dear World:
Yeah, I'm outgoing. Because I need to be loud to hide how I feel. At least I know I'm being judged, instead of always wondering what that sideways glance was about. Sure, I'm crazy, but it's nothing compared to what's going on inside my head. It seems sane, what goes on on the outside compared to the inside. You see, sometimes to cover things up you need to draw attention. Instead of being quiet, I need to be loud, I need to be noticed so some things stay hidden.
Let's learn about my friends! In 3rd grade I was friends with some people, and they were nice. But they were always friends with other people so I never really knew where I belonged. Then, in 4th grade I was 'in' with the popular kids, I don't know why. They were nice to me, and looking back I don't think they were being mean? I don't really know, though, because then they ditched me and in 5th grade I was a loner. There was this one girl who was mean and I had to sit next to her in orchestra, so that was fun. Anyway, 5th grade. I had friends at the end of the year but I had no hopes that they would be stable, seeing my past experiance. At recess I would sit and read my book alone, and I got annoyed when people tried to play with me. People kept annoying me (they were being nice) and my parents kept nagging me about having friends. Finnally I gave in but a lot of times I got annoyed with the people I played with and wanted to just get away from them. I think sometimes I come on too much as an extrovert and people think I'm always supposed to enjoy their company. Back to the people I played with: I would hate them for a day then I'd be fine. In 6th grade I finally had a stable friend group and it's stayed like that ever since, but there are still days where I'm nicer to my 'friends' and some days I won't talk to them. But then I'm okay until it happens again.
️ TRIGGER WARNING ️
Okay, diary entry. Last day of school.
Oof, thats a big one. Starting in the morning: I was happy becau se honestly, who likes school? So there I am, getting on the bus on the last day of school. I don't really remember this part, which means I was fine/happy/socializing and everything. And then I get to school and guess what?! For the first class, we get to go outside and sign yearbooks! I don't really like signing people's yearbooks because I don't like to write H.A.G.S. and so I take a long time and I have to come up with something interesting to say or else I'll look stupid. And they're weird to sign because they're awkward if you're standing up. So I kind of just sat down and looked through it, because I like reading the eighth grade quotes. I didn't really have any friends in that class so people left me alone, which was good. Then next class we watched a movie, and then the next one we did some sort of activity. Simple stuff. Then, the next class we went outside (again)! Yay? No, not yay. I again sat on the curb while everyone signed yearbooks, but this time my friends were there. At first they were talking to other people and leaving me alone, but then they came over to me. They sat with me and asked me how I was and everything and I said fine. Then they asked why I was sitting alone. I said because I want to, and they were cool with that and went off and signed yearbooks for a while. But then they decided that they couldnt leave me alone, so it was all Get up and socialize, Ron! (I replaced my name IRL with my 7 Cups name) I refused, and then it was Why not?. They kept trying to sit next to me and I just wasnt in the mood. So, I kept moving away from them and they kept sitting next to me, and I kept moving away. They continued to ask me what was wrong and I continued to say nothing and to just leave me alone. They finally did, and I just stared at the ground. There were a few pieces of glass there, and I picked one up. It was pretty sharp, then I cut my arm. (Im going to breeze over this part) Blah, blah, blah. So, that happened and then my friend came back over and I was still feeling like sh**, so I kind of just snapped at them and said something along the lines of Stop being a jerk. I mean, it did the trick. And then school was over. Great way to end it, am I right?
My weekly rant
So, if you want to hear me rant, stay. Here we go. I was at a restaurant and it was time to order. If you
I dont know if I can survive camp. I didnt eat very much of the flight food because Im not that hungry. But the flight attendant keeps asking me if I want more food and I dont, Im not hungry. I had some cookies and stuff but Im not hungry and she keeps asking me. I feel like Im dying and I just want the flight to be over. I dont know how I can do this for three weeks. 21 days. 501 hours. 30,240 minutes. 1,814,400 seconds. 2,661,120 heartbeats. All without any support system. No 7 Cups. No friends I can talk to. Nobody. Sometimes I just feel like nothings going to be okay. Like everyone elses lives keep going on. They keep functioning, being okay, and being happy. But Im stuck here. The days keep passing and life keep happening but Im just here and nobody notices. Like everyone only sees one half of me, and the other half is playing hide and seek but nobody else is playing anymore.
I want something. I long for it. My heart hurts for it and it makes it hard to breathe, hard to focus. But I don
How do you want to be remembered?
I want to be remembered as the person who could do anything. Someone who didn
I havent done a diary post in a while, but I have a thing I want to write about. So, I came out to my BESTIE yesterday after finally figuring out my identity. And it felt amazing for her to know who I am. This made me think about coming out to my friends in real life. And my automatic thought was Im never doing that, not because my friends arent accepting. Theyre the last people in the world who would reject me for being part of the LGBTQ+ community. So why not? Maybe its because I dont want them to look at me differently. I just want to be me. But I think its mostly because Im scared. Just like Im afraid of being judged, Im afraid that people will think its not real. Im afraid people will think Im faking it for attention. Im scared that theyll doubt me or reject me. Im scared of things that wont happen, and because of this I wont do something I want to do.
I'm not doing a very good job keeping up with these posts, sorry! (there's probably nobody reading anyway) So, I'm going back to school soon and I'm crazy nervous. Thing have gotten worse over the summer and I'm afraid one of my friends will notice I'm different. Recently, I've been super tired the second I wake up and my eyes are kind of bloodshot which isn't good, also they do that fun thing where they burn when I close them. So yay. And I'm quieter than I was before, which they maybe won't notice, but I'm having a really hard time making (and keeping) eye contact. It sounds weird but looking into someone's eyes just doesn't feel right. And it brings back the fear that they can see through the act I'm giving and tell somethings wrong and they're going to tell someone about it. Also I'm starting to feel the pressure to dress more... I don't know, but not wear a tee-shirt and jeans like I do everyday. So, shopping! Yay. I don't like shopping because I don't like trying on clothes: I'd rather order something online and try it on at home because of this. I also don't like having to shop in the 'womens' section because some of the clothes I like are in the mens section. (and plus the little boys section has some pretty edgy button down shirts)
Two posts in one day?! Wow, Ron must be... something!
So, recently (like the last months) I've been SUPER tired. Like, exhausted at the end of the day. But for me, it's super hard to fall asleep. Things from the day keep running through my brain, and also song lyrics are a big thing that happen. And things that I did when I was in kindergarten that I regret, and worries about the next day. It takes so long for me to be able to focus on one thing, which is how I've been getting to sleep ever since I was young: tell myself a story. When I was little, they were more creative: I was in a magical fairy world and we were being attacked by something or other. The ice princess and I had to stop the evil being. Every night, the same thing. Now, they're less creative but it's still the only way I know. So, getting to the point where my thoughts are only on my story is pretty hard, and by that point I'm wide awake, because it takes work to get there. So now I'm wide awake and my only option is to lie in bed. Then, I finally fall asleep (after an hour or two or three). The next morning, I wake up, and my eyes ache. Like I've been awake for days instead of seconds. I want to go back to sleep but that would take to long. So I continue this cycle. Also, I get really dizzy whenever I stand up so that's fun.
